thoughts on faith

It's been awhile since posting about my journey back. I guess it's more about getting my ducks in a row, as my heart is already here.

I have been struggling lately because of many things. My car died, which took away my sense of freedom. I have completely misplaced my prayer life. I think some of that is due to a new baby and that huge adjustment, as well as the postpartum depression, that really sucks the life out of you. Also having a hard time accepting how long it's going to be before we can have a sacramental marriage, that one is hard because I know some of the struggles we have now would be helped by the graces you have in a sacramental marriage, they might not go away, but we'd have the tools to handle them better.

There are also things like not having money to drive to KC for the TLM. Going here is like going to a protestant church (attitude and feel). Chip can't stand it because it's like everything he experienced as a kid, things that made him not like religion. I feel guilty that this will be our sons first impression of our faith.

Anyhow, I have decided to do a few things to make some of these better. First is more prayer, and sticking to it. It'll give us some routine to our day as well. I just need to find something to help keep me on track, or a person, like a prayer buddy. :) I also want to start a spiritual reading, or some to learn more about the faith. Suggestions please!

So that's where I am. Also, any suggestions for reading on being a Catholic mother?

Julie

a first!

We are clean! I took the plunge and tried a shower without some one to hold Paul until time for him to join me. It worked well. It's nice to know that I can shower when I want! Such a nice feeling. :)

crunchy

I knew I was a tad hippyish, but apparently I'm moreso than what I thought! I found this quiz http://www.naturalmotheringutah.org/granolafactorquiz.htm

and scored a "Super Nutty, Ultra-Crunchy Granola Earth Mama". Makes me feel good though, oddly.

In other news, my dad measured Paul today and he's 22 inches! 2 inches in 6 weeks, he's getting so big!. I had a nice visit with my parents today too, they really are the doting grandparents.

Julie

is there even a point??

To cleaning that is, when living with 6 cats, a dog and 2 people? I am beginning to think there is no reason to clean. As soon as the mess is gone, in comes the next tornado! I need a mess fairy! :)

6 weeks

Paul is 6 weeks old. I can't believe that it's been 6 weeks! It has gone by so fast. I miss him when he's sleeping (on the rare occasion I put him in the bedroom instead of holding him). I can't imagine having to go back to work and leaving him. I'd be miserable. So glad I am going to be able to stay home. Glad I has a husband who's goal is for me to be home too, even if it means having to live a frugal life.

I definitely love Paul, very much. There was a time when I wondered if I would, I think a lot of that was the PPD though. Babies really are blessing from God, and I feel truly blessed to have him. I do wish we had the money to drive up to the TLM for mass, hate him not having that at this very impressionable age. But things are looking brighter on that front.

Go hug your blessing from God! :)

Julie

A little bit of everything

Paul seems to have grown overnight. He is so big! I tried to use this really old digital camera I found, but it didn't work. I was hoping to have pictures to share.

My car died, been kind of house bound, kind of bored too. Hopefully soon I'll learn how to drive our other car, it'll be nice to just go as I please then.

I had a few profound things to share, but I have forgotten them! :)

Julie

post partum depression

I should really rename my blog 'stumbling through PPD'. That's what I'm doing, stumbling horribly. Today is a bad day, bad, bad day. Probably worse than the last one. This thing is awful, it steals away the joy you have and want to have in this wonderful blessing that is your child. It makes you want to run away. You desire nothing but for your baby to just sleep. All the while you are feeling horribly guilty because you know you shouldn't be feeling those things. It makes me feel like a bad mom, a really bad mom.

I want to crawl in a hole. I can't even go visit Chip because my car died, the only little thing that got me through a lot of days. I'm stuck in this 500 sq. ft. house forever.

I can not wait for this post partum hell to go away. When will that happen??

Julie