one year

Paul is 1 today! Can't believe it's been a year. I'll have pictures over the next few days. He's been a handful lately (really needing me a lot) so it's been hard to get on and post.

Year sure did go fast! It's amazing how much he has changed since being born. Just wanted you all to know he's 1! Pretty exciting!

Julie

new schedule

Chip went to days this week (he works Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday). So far it's been hard, but that's expected, switching sleep times is hard! Paul hasn't gotten it yet, but I'm sure in time he will. I'm sure in the end it'll be better.

Sorry to not be posting much lately. It's been harder to get on here and actually type. Paul is going through a rough spot (learning to walk and being extra clingy) so I normally have him in my lap while online, so it's hard to type, unless it's randomness that doesn't require thought!

So for my joy for the last week, it would be that things worked out in some ways with the money. It's not perfect at all. We finally found out what happened to all the money, but they still took some of Chip's paycheck. I don't know how we'll get through next payday, but that's not to worry about now, I'm sure something will come up. We still need to buy food for this pay period, but again, I'm sure something will show up to help with that. But we were able to pay the absolute important bills, so that's good, we have heat and the car is taken car of, so all is well.

Julie

hard work

I have been working very hard to be positive with Paul and patient too! As well as see the small joys in our days. Over all, I'm doing well (I think, I know I have noticed a difference in my attitude and also my bonding with Paul, more in a bit on that). It has been a very hard week though. Just so much going wrong. Today was not a good day. I lost it. Just so much. I'm tired of winter, just go away already, I want spring, I want warm, I want the sun, I NEED the sun. Why is it still so, so, so cold. This is NOT normal. We also live in *the windiest place in the world* there is always a gail force wind whipping by. I just want it to stop. I don't want to sit here INSIDE and feel the wind. I don't want to feel my HOUSE move when the wind blows. I want Spring!!!!!!!!

This has been such a hard winter, I'm just done. Anyhow, it was just the icing on the cake for today. My wonderful baby is going through some phase that makes hims super clingy and he simple has to be hanging onto me at all times. I think I noticed it so much more today because I was just in an off mood.

Okay, enough of why the day sucked, on to why it was good.

All this hard work had been evident to me a lot lately, and I now have the chance to write about it. As you know, I consider myself an AP parent. I try to be respectful of Paul, since he is a human with his own feelings and needs and not just some blog called baby to be treated like an object. I feel like I missed his infanthood because of the post partum depression, I just wasn't present until he was around 5 months old, that's what I mostly remember of him. I never really bonded with him until then, and really until recently. The only thing I had with him was breastfeeding, which truly was a life saver in those early days. It saved me in so many ways.

Recently I have felt totally detached from him. Like I wasn't taking to time to really *get* him or meet his needs. That is part of why I started the joy thing. I don't want to miss more than I feel I already have, they are only little for such a short time. But over the last few weeks I have been really trying to respond to him in the way he needs (well except tonight) and it made a HUGE difference. I can't believe it. I feel very in tune with him and also feel better able to handle his needs and demands. It's pretty neat too me that such a simple (on the outside) change in attitude and thought could have such an impact.

So that is my joy for today, seeing the fruits of some pretty hard work. Of course I know all the complaining at the beginning of this totally negates all that, but nevertheless, it is an amazing step forward for me. So thanks to all those who still read and ask about the joy series. I just need to get here to post it. I always have one, but just don't get here as much as I should, and then by time I do, it's been a week and it's too 'big' for me to think small enough to come up with one.

Off to fix the spelling and go to sleep (one thing I miss about IE is my Ispell, doesn't work with firefox ).

Julie

Joy and Paul updates

First Paul. He's been walking so much more! Every day he crawls less and walks more! I need to get a new video of him walking with more confidence like he does now. There was something else I had wanted to post about him, but I can't remember what it is.

I'm not sure about joy right now, it's been a very rough week so let me think a bit and ramble on! Losing 4 grand can do that to people!

Oh, I know what great thing happened this week, we finally have a phone! I'm very excited about that. Before we had this cheapy prepaid that was horrid and cost a fortune. We got the internet phone, Vonage, and so far, so good. It's a flat rate for unlimited local and long distance, which is good because out here everything is long distance. I think this may have been my joy last week when we bought it, it's here now! I'll try to come up with something better later on. Again, it's been a pretty bummer of a week. Back to the small picture though!

Julie - who needs to cut her nails so she can type fast again! To think I used to do with with nails twice this long, how I don't know!

time

Today I was on a new forum of local AP parents. One of the ladies picture is of a baby hand and an elderly hand. I balled at this. We so wanted a picture of Paul and his grandfather and we never got one. I don' t know that I'll even have that guilt go away. And to think, our phone came just a month and a half to late, just adds more to it. Just so sad for Paul that he'll never meet them, and of course for Chip, that both of his parents are no longer here. It's overwhelming for me to think about it, let alone to think what it must be for him.

Julie

today

I'm trying very hard to not be pessimist today and to find something that is joyful. We had a huge blow today that is just going to really not help us and we have to wait 2 weeks to find out what caused it. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but in the immediate future things are going to be extra hard.

So prayers and good thoughts for us please.

Okay, I think my joy for today is getting to hang out at home with my family. We don't do this a lot, normally keep ourselves busy outside of the house. Also, watching Paul walking, it's just amazing to see him learn and grow. Oh, here is a video of him walking.

Paul movies

Here are two movies of Paul from tonight. In the first, I was trying to get him to walk, no luck. :) The second is just him playing. Our camera doesn't record sound, so you have to pretend you here him giggling :)
Julie