Thursday, December 08, 2011

Beginning of a new era

Through the awful events of the summer, some good has some, many acts of kindness have been shown and shared with us, it is overwhelming at times. Also, a great deal of personal growth, which might not make sense, but yes, I grew up a lot!

In dealing with all this, and the mental struggles, I realized ,the major problem of the last 2 decades of my life has centered around depression. I know some people knew this, but I didn't. I thought it was just 'a rough patch', or 'I'm just tired'. It was really the anger that gave it away for me. I could not deny that I was angry. Then I realized that I was angry, a lot and had been for a long time. In time I saw all the other signs that have been screaming at me for years, but had pushed them aside.

So today I had a doctor's appointment. Medicine prescribed (and picked up, I can't believe I let myself go this long for $20 a month! all this time I kept saying we couldn't afford it since I don't have medical insurance!). I am very hopeful. I know nothing is foolproof, and yes bad days will happen, but the undercurrent in my life will not be sadness.

It is hard to admit, and that is some of why I am writing this. Some many people have tried to get me to see, and I was blind. So you were right, I am glad I finally see.

Sunday, December 04, 2011


I hate when I use my abs in a way that makes me feel it in my scar. It makes me sad. I don't like that reminder.

I also don't like having to come up with a title for a post that really doesn't need a title! :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

playing detective

I have a site meter thing and it's always fascinating to me. Sometimes disturbing to see what people will use as search words to find this. I just wish it told me WHO, I can figure some out, but not all. Every week when I get the email, I spend a few minutes playing detective! I still haven't figured out Mountain View, California! It is a fun few minutes.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Everything changes in the blink of an eye

Looking back at the last three months, it boggles my mind to even do that. I think of all the silly things I worried about then. Life was suppose to finally be more settled and not tumultuous, the stress of living someplace you aren't wanted was going to be gone, finally being settled. How that can all change, literally in the blink of an eye. I remember my last night in our home, I didn't know it was going to be my last night, I simply thought it was the last night in the town I claim as home, a place I now have no desire to go at all, too many painful memories. If only I had known, that what I had feared would happen a hundred times before (though I thought it would be a fire, Chip thought it would be wind/tornado), our home being gone, would be realized.

There is no preparing for that moment, none at all. A phone call at 6:07 am (I was suppose to be there, but had overslept since I had been up all night for two nights prior packing). I don't know that I will ever forget that call, that time. Of course, I did not know that that call meant the end of our home, he didn't even tell me, I found out when I got there, well before I got there, driving around the corner looking over the field to see my house almost bent all in half, twisted in a way you never thought possible. I didn't even notice the front being folded and pushed through my kitchen floor, until someone motioned to the tongue of the trailer. I can't describe the feeling of realizing that your home is no more, realizing that you have no place to sleep, no place for your kids to play. Then, knowing that I had to go back to our tent and tell Chip, who was sleeping with the kids. I have no desire to live those following weeks again, ever. Losing a home is not just a monetary nightmare, or a logistically issue, it goes to all parts, mind, heart, soul........the soul especially.

Then two weeks later, Chip got fired, and not because he did anything wrong or broke a rule, but simply because some people really are evil. It was salt on a gaping wound. Chip lost most of his friends and his name was tarnished just to cover someones lies. I am still amazed and scared of the fact that there can actually be people who have that much vileness in them, that much anger and hatred.

One of the hardest things is people not giving credit to what this involves, acting as if it's no big deal, it was only a trailer. I lost my faith for awhile, and my compassion. As hard as it is to admit, losing my compassion was more alarming. My faith came back, through prayer, especially the prayers of others. Compassion too, but it wanes. On days when I have had to continually remind people of how hard it is to wake up to a destroyed home (then have your income taken away), my compassion is gone, on others, I try to remember how much worse it could have been, offering my misery for them. Mostly I'm just tired of being kicked to the ground. Tired of being pushed aside by those who should care but don't.

Three months later, life is hard, real hard. It's pretty miserable actually. There's very little to look forward too. Winter is looming. It's going to be cold and long. Plus Christmas, it breaks my heart to even think about that. Paul is old enough to KNOW what goes with that, but not old enough to understand why it won't happen this year.

Today was a rough one. Nothing huge happened, just a bunch of small stuff. Sad news from a friend about her mom was especially troubling. Normally at night, at least I have the feeling of 'we made it through another day', so it's not a sad ending, but today, it's this lonely, empty feeling. I don't know if it was just the events of the day, the foreshadowing of a conversation this morning, or just a melancholy mood. The foreshadowing conversation is scary, though it could be good in the end. I am just ready to be settled, ready to not have a huge mountain to climb, ready to have a home, not just a place that holds a kitchen and a bathroom. Wish I could find the fix for that.