Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Loss of self

When becoming a mother you really do lose a piece of yourself, I think a better way to word that is that your sense of self, your definition of self, changes, it has too. I don't mean this in a negative, sad, why-did-I-become-a-mom way. It's something that for me was just part of the transition. In today's world we are taught that kids just have to fit into our lives and if they don't, to bad. To me this creates a lot of conflict in parents, especially mothers.

Having a new baby I notice going through it again. I don't remember this time with Paul, I do know that I struggled with this until Dolores was born. Something clicked in my head when labor began with her. I still feel that the first day of labor was about surrender for me. Realizing that I couldn't control everything at all times. I had to give that up. The house won't be perfect ever again. I'm still trying to really accept that! But the kids are more important than ultra organization. Sometimes a dirty litter box happens or a floor isn't swept, vacuumed or mopped as much as I'd like, but I am NOT a super hero I really can not do everything and keep happy kids (and a happy mom!).

It's not only household things, but also selfishness. The kids come first in so many things. My wants are often put aside, I can't do what I want when I want or even how I want. This is another thing people expect. You live a single life before kids where you can do whatever you want when you want, and how you want, it is something that can't really remain after the kids (and even after marriage really, you have someone else to consider).

Oddly for me, I don't have grief about this loss, it's just a fact, and surrendering to it really seems to help with the conflict I felt in so much with Paul. I do still sometimes long to listen to good music loudly in the car or on the computer, but it's just something that can't really happen right now.

I find it amazing that it has come so easily this time. The first day of labor really taught me something, it was literally when I walked into the kitchen and told Chip that I thought I was in labor. My first desire of the day was to pick up toys or something silly like that and something happened that made me realize there are more important things than that, and giving up that control was necessary for me (in more ways than I can say).

Some of the reason I think this was such an easy concept for me was our marriage prep classes. There is a lot of info in them that is helpful in seeing why it is necessary to give up that mindset. Surrendering to your new vocation in life that comes with not only beginning a new shared life with a spouse, but also and I think, moreso, upon becoming parents. Your needs, desires and wants are no longer first, there is someone else to consider, they matter, but aren't the only ones to think of.

This is not to say I don't have moments that I need to step away for a minute or two to regain sanity, I do, on a daily basis. Also I do have times of being pissy because of the lack of 'me time'. But normally once I let myself think I realize my reason for being right now is to raise the kids. I was usually just throwing a tantrum and I need to grow up. I think there is a lot of built in selfishness in our society, and it's something I am working hard to get past. Surrendering, for me, is a large part of that. I also realize that this is probably a really, really old fashion way to see things, but I'm old fashion, so I guess it fits!

Photography by Paul

These are all pictures Paul has taken recently. I won't put captions, they are all in the living room. I didn't want to post at first because we live in a trailer and sometimes it doesn't look nice, but I figure, it's where we live and it's life, so here they are!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Paul found his Christmas present

Okay, we had it in the back of the car. He only has a few. Anyhow, he won't stop asking for it or asking to see it. I don't know what to do. He doesn't completely understand Christmas yet or the concept of 4 days. He understands 'tomorrow', but not 4 days. He's not getting the waiting aspect at all. Man I could kick myself for not covering it better!

So I have to listen to this for 4 more days, I hope I have the resolve to make it!


Monday, December 21, 2009

I little bit about Dolores

Today she is about 7.5 weeks old. I'm mostly writing this for me, so I remember, as I remember nothing of Paul's early days/weeks. Makes me sad sometimes that I can't recall anything, I don't know if that was the PPD or the meds to help, or normal.

She's somewhere around 11 pounds, probably closer to 11.5. Out of newborn clothes and diapers. Loves looking at faces and is trying so hard to laugh. She likes it when Paul plays next to her, just watches. She's a pretty content baby as long as her tummy is full and there's no burp being trapped in there! While Paul was more sit back and take it all in, serious is what we called him, she seems more active in her taking in. Always looking around to see what's going on, very alert. I think she'll be a jump before looking kind of kid, whereas Paul looks first. :) It's so interesting to me to see the differences between them and seeing her personality grow and bloom. I know I said this a lot with Paul, but babies really ARE people. Somewhere in my up bringing I got the impression that babies were just blobs, but they really aren't. Each is it's own person, with own personality and soul.

Now a little about her physical traits. She has a tiny bit of a cleft chin, not as deep as Paul's. She has the bent pinkies (like me) from my dad's side - the chin comes from there as well. Most interesting is her eyes, they are blue! They look green from the side, but straight one they are very blue! Now to figure out how to get pictures without red eye!

Now a picture, she's about 6 weeks old here and we were trying to get one of her smiles, but the camera has a huge delay!

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I'm not usually big on resolutions, since I tend to never follow through, and also tend to make them too lofty and completely unattainable, at least for me! But I have a lot of time to think in the middle of the night while nursing or waiting for one child to sleep, or just during my own restlessness, and I found that most of what I think about is the people who I lost touch with, usually my own doing because I'm horrid at things like returning phone calls, emails or cards, or even making a call or sending an email to say thanks for a card or call. So I'm working on that. Trying to keep up even is slowly with emails, and getting in contact with those who I have let slip through the cracks.

I know not everyone will reply or maintain contact, but at least I tried, which for some reason puts my mind at ease, at least in thought, we'll see if it actually happens in action!

I also want to be more regular in blogging. Most nights while not sleeping and laying in bed I come up with great posts, I just can't get to the computer to type them. I think I'll try writing them in a notebook (or find a way to get a cordless mouse and keyboard). I really enjoy posting here, even if no one reads. It's like a journal, yes I do have to edit some since I don't know WHO might read it, but mostly it's just nice to have a place to put my thoughts and know that someone might read them and send a prayer or maybe even some advice or a been there, done that.

It is amazing how much life has changed since starting this blog over five years ago. I was young and stupid (how I could even think 27 was young, but it was). I had a lot of growing up to do, and still do in many ways. I really had to find my own way, in my own time. I stepped away from my faith, willingly, but that allowed me to see how wonderful the faith really is, how much sense it does make and how the world just makes so much more sense when you follow it. Not that I'm there yet. I still have a long way to go in daily practice.

I also had to find my voice and not let others always think and lead me. I know for some having someone else always lead them is good, it wasn't for me. I found that I never had my own thoughts and that those people would the voice in my head. Yes, sometimes it is good, especially when my own judgement was lacking, but for the most part I just found that I felt completely lost. I learned a lot from those people though.

Fussing baby, wants to eat, 6 week growth spurt! and who knows what Paul's gotten into. Had hoped to have some pictures, maybe later or tomorrow.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

My children

It is still weird to me to say 'children' or 'kids'. Not a bad weird, but still different. :) I have been wanting to write this for a week or so.

I feel very blessed to have these two people in my life. My favorite time of day is when we go to sleep and I have them both there with me. One cuddling, the other nursing. I often reflect back to this time in Paul's life, which is so muddled by the PPD. I don't really remember much if anything about that time with him. In so many ways I feel new to this life stage with Dolores. The PPD really did take more than I thought it did away. It is such a different infanthood with Dolores, I'm very, very grateful that things are going much better, meaning no PPD this time.

Mostly I'm just glad that I might have a shot at remembering this time. It is so short a time that they are little. The last few days I really have been thinking about that a lot, how short this time is. How much I waste of these special moments because I want to clean this thing or get that done. It's really not as important at all. It's just hard to let go of that control and be more in the moment. Does it really matter that there are toys on the floor? Or that I didn't get ALL the dishes washed? No, not at all.

So glad to have them, I just hope that I can continue to remember the little moments, rather than the distractions that come up!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

never look back

I need to remember this. I stupidly wanted to see how far back my sent mail went in gmail, as I had deleted it at one point and wanted to see if I still had the posts from all the baby questions from Paul. Well the sent mail started right before Paul was born. So what I see is all the emails regarding induction and such. Just makes me sad.

Then the other part was that, well I really, really miss Naturababes, a lot. I know that is probably very silly to most people, but I do seriously miss that group. I wish I could change the moderators minds so I could still be there. Sorry for being a cry baby, I'll stop now.


Monday, November 23, 2009

shower! (and pics, not of the shower, of the kids!)

It was blissful to get a shower today! Paul feel asleep, for what is probably his nap, unless I get him to bed soon, which I plan on doing :), so not only a shower, but more sleep! Yay! Before kids I never thought a shower could be so eventful. And I'm not one of those people who needs a daily or even every other day shower, but it is nice to get to have one every once and awhile. So that and today was also the first real trip out of the house with me and just them, it went well. I wore Dolores in the Mei Tai, she slept and Paul was more calm than normal, got most of the shopping done.

Anyhow, just had to share my joy of getting a shower, now to get both of them in bed so I can sleep :).Sleeping girl. Paul asked me to put her in the swing so he could jump on the couch, and she feel right asleep. I was kind of surprised!

Paul holding Dolores. He was so happy to pose for this, I just couldn't get him to look at the camera, silly boy.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

quick post/good day

Just quickly as I should be in bed and Dolores is letting me know she needs some food.

Today Paul's first real fear came out, monkey's! Don't know where it came from. He's been scared of other things but this was different, more real and yet abstract at the same time. Where as the other things are ones we expected, scary faces (Halloween), things like that. Paul actually LOVED this monkey until today. I actually think it was the monkey on the cookie box yesterday that started it, and it just morphed into all monkeys.

I have had good luck with Dolores and figuring out her gassiness. She just needs to be burped often, way more than what we ever had to do with Paul. Also got her in the Mei Tai today, a little odd with the froggied legs, but she seemed fine. So glad that I got that figured out, it'll really help during her fussy times of the day and when we or rather I go out with both kids. I should be able to wear them both in a few weeks or so. Will make grocery shopping SO easy! I'm sure I'll get tons of stares, but until she's 26 pounds (what I gained in pregnancy), wearing Paul and her won't be any different than when I was wearing just him during the pregnancy (up to the very end).

So it was a good day despite being so very tired and having a horrid headache that would not go away. Hopefully tomorrow is good too and I lose my temper not at all! (twice today - really working on that!)

Oh, also got some good pictures of Paul holding Dolores, I'll try to get them uploaded/posted tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

end of a long day

We lost a cat today, Charcoal, we are pretty sure it's part of the curse of having feline leukemia in your house. It came on very suddenly and then he was gone. It's so hard to have this disease among your cats. You really have to develop this weird tough skin regarding death because you know it's going to be something you have to deal with often. Every time we think that we are done, another kitty gets sick. I don't really know how to explain the feeling really without sounds harsh or even heartless. You love each one, and are just as sad, but you really have to turn it off. To put things in perspective, in the last year and a half we have lost 6 cats, you get numb after a while. I hope today is the last of that.

In more cheerful news, today didn't end up being as hard as I thought, of course, Chip was up by 2, which is early for a work day, and he was able to come help with Paul at the wic appointment, which was great because it was a LONG appointment. Reverification, for all three of us! Dolores has gained 10 ounces since birth, which I think is pretty neat :), she's only 11 days old.

It's been neat this evening to note the differences between Paul and Dolores, she's already starting to show likes and dislikes, mostly in how she sleeps, which I guess makes sense since that is what she does mostly! I think she sleeps more than Paul, maybe she'll be more like her dad, that would be nice and good news to me, since Paul is more like me, a sleep camel, though I'm sure his is not self imposed as I can't imagine that he worries about stuff! It's just neat to me that such a little tiny person has preferences, to see her personality already showing. I guess I won't ever get over that. I think the message in society must be that babies are just blobs that cry or something, because it really never stopped amazing me how truly unique Paul was, and how much of a person he was. Maybe I'm just odd!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

back to 'normal'

Tomorrow Chip goes back to work, so all will have to go back to normal. I'm pretty sad about that. It's been nice being able to rest when needed and spend lots of time with my babies :). Also him going back to work means LOTS of it just being me and the kids, so kind of lonely. Right after the birth, for the first week it was beautiful out, and now that it's going to be all lonely here it's the crummiest weather possible! Cold, damp, raining and dreary, just blah. I'm glad he ended up having more time off than he thought.

Dolores was baptised today, it went very well, though she did cry for a large part of it, she was hungry. Glad she is baptised though, now just to get the other two parts finished up, marriage prep stuff and Chip's conversion stuff. Still need to find out if we have a waiting period or not on the marriage, didn't get a chance to ask Father today.

And for those who may not be on facebook and would like to see some pictures, here are a few :)

Sleeping on her first day.

Paul getting closer and starting to think she's 'okay'.

Finally realizing that Dolores is okay and not scary :).

Me and the kids, still feels weird saying that!

The two of them sleeping the same way, hands over the head, and of course the spot that I would go. It sure is warm between two little kids! They are heaters!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Paulism of the day

My parents got Paul the movie Cars, he LOVES it. This morning while trying to convince daddy to put it in, Chip said that the cars were sleeping, trying to put it off a bit, and Paul replied "cars don't sleep in the daytime". He is too smart! Chip said that it's great that his son knows when he's bs'ing him! :)


Friday, November 06, 2009

wearing me down

Still going. Can't sleep because they are unbearable while laying down. Will try again later when Paul wakes up. Somewhere I need to find it in me to deal with this another day. More organized though and stronger, so I guess that's progress. So glad we didn't tell anyone (besides online people) so that we don't have the phone ringing and people waiting, can't handle that!

I so wanted to enjoy what could have been my last night cuddling with Paul, but it was so hard. I just want to lay down and enjoy him, I'm really, really going to miss having it be just him, giving him the attention he wants/needs when he wants and needs it. Kind of mourning the loss of being able to dedicate myself to just him, not having to split my time. He's my little boy and I just hope he does okay having to share me (and daddy). Maybe no one else really felt this way, or even gets it. I almost feel like I'm losing Paul, I don't know how to explain that better.

Of course on the other hand, I'm just ready for this to be over. Prayers, good thoughts, anything you have, to help me muster up the mental, physical and emotional energy to get through another day, please send. Also to help with this grief that I am feeling very real right now regarding Paul. I am hoping it's not hindering me and labor.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

exciting times

looks like things are starting up. I think. A little early to tell, but I'll try to keep updated :).


Tuesday, November 03, 2009


There is nothing more frustrating than having a ton of cats, and, yes, mice that live in the walls. I guess they must be smart mice or something. We can't get rid of them and now with winter coming and it being colder, I hear them again. Of course both Chip and I have one that lives directly above the head of our beds, lovely. All night long, scratch, scratch scratch. I really think they are going to get shot this year, and I think I'm to the point that I really think a huge hole in the wall is better than an annoying dirty mouse! We have tried so many things, but nothing works, they are still there. I wish the stupid things would just venture out for just a little bit, then the cats could have a snack and the annoying scratching would be gone! Yes, I know that's morbid, forgive me! :)

41 weeks and waiting

So like Paul, this one is staying in as long as possible! I'm just glad that I don't get my hopes on the 'due date'. I'm still not feeling like it's any time soon though. I am hoping it's within the next week just because I'm getting a little worn with the waiting and trying to keep everything in order and neat and tidy, plus I'd kind of like to meet this little person and see how Paul does :). I don't think Chip is handling the waiting as well as I am though, I think he's getting impatient!


Sunday, November 01, 2009

day light savings blahs

I hate the adjustment to the 'new' time. It was dark at 5:30, how depressing is that? I really wish we didn't do this whole switching of time, just messes with people. For us, now the countdown starts to the shortest day so that things can start not getting more depressing with each passing day, and the sun can start shining more :).


revelation regarding Paul

We, well more specifically, I, have been struggling with Paul lately, it has really been a challenge to parent him. He's been, well crazy, especially when Chip first gets up. We are an AP, gentle discipline family, so we handle things a bit differently in regards to behavior than most people. At first I thought it was just because we had not been very consistent with Paul's boundaries, and had also gotten lazy with enforcing things like not throwing stuff at us or hitting the dogs due to me and pregnancy and Chip's new awful schedule. But even being more consistent with those, hasn't seemed to help much, whereas in the past Paul has responded almost instantly to us being more consistent.

Kids are complex little people who can't voice their feelings very well, and I kind of had a revolution when thinking about a reply to a group that I needed to write. Someone said something about kids having big emotions like teenagers, and another asked if there was something else going on. I got to really thinking, and I think it's also to Chip's new work schedule and Paul never seeing him (along with the lack of consistency). It would make a lot of sense that Paul would be crazy excited now when Daddy gets up, some times it is literally days that he doesn't see him. And his time is now so limited with Chip, it's not like before when he'd actually get to spend most of his days with both parents. Now, on work days, he's lucky to see Chip for a few minutes, and non work days just a few hours (somewhere around 4). I'm sure Paul is also aware that something is going on with me, and that he senses something is going to change with this 'baby' we keep talking about.

Paul also isn't nursing anymore, I think if he was, he'd be doing a little better. He has this little dog with silky ears, named Puppa, and when nursing he always had to rub the ears with at least one hand (well between his fingers and his thumb). I have noticed that he has a new habit he does even in his sleep. He rubs Puppa on his face/lips when he stirs, which is a time that he would normally have nursed. I know he, at least at night, was a big comfort nurser. I'm hoping he'll pick back up when the baby comes, maybe that'll help him some. I still have so much sadness and guilt about him not nursing.

Goodness, I still have a lot to say, but he is stirring, so I should go lay down. Hopefully I'll get to come back and finish today. Prayers I can find a way to make this transition better for Paul, both the baby, and to Chip's new work hours/schedule.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

A few days past my due date :)

I thought it was the 26th, but Chip says it was the 27th. I think it'll be after Halloween before a baby shows up :). I am just glad that I didn't focus on the 'due' date as the be all and end all of pregnancy! I still don't have any real feelings about when, except that I think it'll be after Halloween. Getting a little more excited, but at the same time, liking the extra time to get a few last minute things done. And sleep, as much as Paul will let me, and since he sleeps so little, it's not a lot, but better than none!


Monday, October 26, 2009

finally and update after the long break

First a few random musing.

Wic changed everything foodwise, which for the most part is a good thing. The part that really is frustrating me is the juice. We get so little now, and the juice we have to get for Paul is the kind in a plastic bottle. I hate plastic. And I was reading the ingredients and there are things in there to 'maintain color and flavor'. Why can't I just get a nice frozen thing for him? Why does it have to be that crap? I actually think I'm going to write them about it. I can get frozen juice, but not Paul, doesn't really make much sense.

I think I broke my toe this morning too, and also ripped the nail almost all off. It hurts, a lot. I need some flip flops so I can run errands, shoes are NOT happening today! :)

So for updates. Not a lot has really happened in the last few months. Paul has gotten bigger and talks all the time. He's pretty well able to communicate what he wants/needs/likes. I don't think there is a word he hasn't at least attempted to say, he's also starting to have more conversations, which is kind of neat. He said 'I love you' for the first time the other day, of course it was to the cat, Coby. It was said as he was mauling him :).

Pregnancy is almost over. It has been a pretty easy one, not many issues at all. Our midwife is wonderful. I spend all month (or week or whatever time span it is) looking forward to the visits. She is exactly what we needed. I am looking forward to having a homebirth this time, especially as much as we had wanted one last time. Not feeling and labor vibes yet, and today is my due date, I think, maybe it's tomorrow. I never really put much stock in those things, I'd rather have a 'due month' or 'due season'.

Well someone is stirring so I should end this before he jumps on daddy :).


Saturday, October 24, 2009

I love our midwife!

She is wonderful! I wish midwifery in MO was in a better place so I could say more about her :), but she's great.

Had a visit with her today and was wonderful as always. It's so nice to be about to talk about fears and birth and having someone so completely in your corner. There is something so great about having a care giver who really cares, so reassuring and gentle. Paul had a blast too, which is great.


Friday, October 23, 2009

I hate bad news

There were two things I was really, really looking forward to with getting the internet back. Being able to be a part of the women's Traditional Catholic group (which, sadly, as we are still waiting for the marriage stuff, I don't feel right really being much a part of, just doesn't seem like I deserve to be a part of that right now), and mostly, the AP/ natural parenting group I was a part of. I really needed their wisdom during this time, adding another child to our family, and also just having others who I 'knew' and was really comfortable with to talk about issues with raising kids in a way that most of society doesn't embrace (AP, gentle discipline, so on and so forth).

So for the bummer part, found out today that I won't be able to be a part of that group. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what, but, man, it hurts, a lot. It's rejection in a way that I can't even pinpoint. Wish Paul was asleep so I could just crawl into bed and pretend the day was over, or didn't happen, and honestly cry, yes, I know that is probably stupid to say, but, yeah, that's how I feel. It was a family to me, that I had to take an unwanted break from because of money, and now, it's gone forever. I'll get over it, but that doesn't change the feelings now. Anyhow. I don't want to piss anyone off from that group who may read this, so I'll stop my blubbering childishness.


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

late night thoughts

It has been awhile since I have been able to really put my thoughts out there. I tried writing them out, but it didn't really work. Definitely missed having the blog!

It has been a crazy pregnancy. It still seems unreal to me really. I don't know if it has been all the 'stuff' that's been going on or if it's just that I am preoccupied with Paul. I really can't believe there will be another little person here in the next few weeks.

Just now I had laid in bed and looked at Paul sleeping so soundly next to me and it hit me that I only have a few days or weeks to have it be just him. I don't know how I missed that one all this time. I'm really going to miss that I can give him all my attention and time, that he can HAVE all my attention and time. How will he handle being pushed aside, I just hope he doesn't see it like that. How to make the transition easier for him? I just don't know. This revelation is putting a lot of things in perspective for me, like how out of order my priories are. I hope I can find the patience and understanding to help him with this transition.

Falling asleep as I write, so guess that should be my hint to go to bed, and cuddle with my little boy as much as I can, while I can.


Tuesday, October 20, 2009

back online

Well for a little bit anyway, hopefully through winter. We'll see :)

Now to get back in the swing of things and get caught up. I think that task may be not possible!


Friday, July 24, 2009

Why is there never a good week?

We have had some great news this week. It was nice to have things looking up. Of course that can never remain for us. Not much details, still too upsetting and I don't feel like crying at the library. I just get so sick of people thinking they can treat people so poorly and unjustly just because they are too poor to do anything about it.


Saturday, July 18, 2009

annulment granted

just a VERY quick note to let you all know that Chip got the letter today that said they did grant him an annulment. Still have some waiting, but at least we know that we will be able to have a Catholic marriage sometime sooner rather than never!

Thanks for all the prayers during this time, and yay! :)


Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Paul's weaning

Paul has been weaning on his own for a little bit. I guess I should be glad that it was without tears or trial on his part. Makes me so sad though. Something so special and meaningful for me, gone. Something that really helped me through some very rough times as a new mom. I miss my little nursing boy who loved to nurse, all the time! He doesn't even need Puppa anymore (Puppa is his little stuffed dog with silky ears he loved, and had to have while nursing).

I feel so useless some any days. Paul doesn't need me like before and if Chip is home and awake Paul prefers him. I feel like I'm just a maid. So thankful for all the extra time no internet is providing, at least he'll sit with me a little bit to read or play his trucks next too me.

I miss the snuggles and the sleepy eyed child coming up with Puppa asking for 'sleepy's'. Now he just goes to Chip's chair and dozes off, me taking him to bed, him not even stirring for even a little nursing. I would love to have one last time to nurse him to sleep. I wish I had known the last time was the last time. Now it's just in the morning as he's waking. Having a hard time with that because it was always my least favorite time for nursing, I wanted to be sleeping, still do. Yet at the same time I want to cherish it since I have NO clue if it'll be THE last time ever he nurses.

It happened way to fast for me, maybe over a month. Maybe it'll be a blessing in disguise, only having one to nurse after baby comes, but for now it hurts and makes me sad. I would love to just one more time have him come up to me, Puppa in hand, asking for 'sleepy's', 'Puppa's', and 'bed'.



It's been awhile since being able to post to the blog. I wrote this about a month ago, about Trey.

RIP Trey - She was the kitty who I wrote about a few months ago with the Feline Leukemia. She died early this morning (May 9). It came so fast, as she had been doing pretty well, just not gaining weight. Don't really know what to think right now, we had known she wouldn't live for a long time, but also hadn't thought it'd be so soon!

Having cleaned out out room of her food, water and litter box, it's so lonely in there. Miss Trey and her beautiful green eyes. They were a shade of green that I have only seen in one other cat.

So far no other cats have shown any signs, so we are hopeful that they are okay.

*it's been a hard month, getting used to her not being here. I think it was hardest to take all her things out of the bedroom.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I have a little usb drive thing and I had been typing up thoughts for the blog and a few posts so that I could quickly copy and paste since Paul isn't much for sitting to let me type (today, this is a miracle!). Anyway, it won't work on the library computer. I have floppy's too, but our floppy at home won't work, and no cd's. I'm pretty frustrated right now as that's how I was attempting to stay updated with emails and groups. Anyway, vent over, off to see if Paul will let me check email.


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

wonderful evening randomness

Tonight was a great evening for Paul and I. Started with a little nap while I read Pride and Prejudice, well not all of it! Not that fast a reader!

Then we got up and I thought I'd try watching a movie. I haven't done this in a LONG time. I figured I wouldn't really get to watch it. I got Love Actually from the library today. We sat and ate dinner while watching, and I actually got to sit and watch a whole movie. Paul watched a little but mostly just sat next to me and played. He has really enjoyed the extra time since I'm trying to not be online much to get used to not having it! It was a nice time. Paul has taken to really liking to sit next to Chip or I and play or look at his books or catalogues, yes, he likes catalogues, especially ones that daddy gets that have trucks in them :). I think Paul will benefit most from the no internet.

The movie was so good. I had seen it once before, but hadn't remembered how good it was. A few tears where shed. I really enjoyed the focus on how love can be found everywhere. I look forward to watching it again before returning it. Just can't say enough of how good it was!

So now off to bed after a very non productive day, but one that was fun :)

Oh, for the randomness. I set a pan on fire today! It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be and I did every thing right and it worked! Boy did that smell bad!

More thoughts on no internet. Today I realized how hard it will be and how I am kind of wishing we didn't HAVE to cancel the internet. But at the same time I realized what good can come of it. Like a good non stressed day spent with Paul. I know I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to finish the dishes and pick up toys. Left me time to not be stressed about getting everything done and be able to sit with Paul for as long as he wants. It was also nice to have a book again. All I have at home are books to teach me something, which are nice, but sometimes it's nice to just read a good story, plus it made me sit which Paul LOVED. He brings his trucks over and does what he does playing and I think he really enjoyed me being present rather than absent and totally distracted.

Okay, really need to try to get to sleep now. It's way past Paul's bed time, but Puppa is still drying - the cats put him in the litter box! Couldn't sleep with that! :)


ps - why are there birds chirping in the middle of the night? I have noticed this for a few weeks, I thought birds slept at night.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

going to the land of no internet

We have decided for many, many reasons to cut the internet off. I'm not sure when this will be, probably this week. I'll try to keep updates on here through the library. I'll keep updated on the baby, Paul and other stuff.


Monday, April 13, 2009

baby update

Just thought I'd update, since the last I mentioned the pregnancy here, it was in my worry over miscarrying.

We had an appointment with the midwife on Friday and I had been waiting to hear if my uterus was bigger, which would mean that for the most part I could assume all was well. The spotting had stopped about 3 weeks prior. So my uterus went from 6.5 cm, to 11, so I was pretty happy about that :). Too early to hear the heartbeat yet, but next time we should be able to. I'm also starting to feel more pregnant, and feel like I can finally be happy and excited and not worried about what's going on.

So hopefully, there will be no more worry to report and only positive good things, like a birth :).


sweet and sad

Sometimes there are these moments that are so heartwarming, and then, bam, also so very sad.

I'm still sad over the passing of my grandparents, little pieces hit each day. Today I put the sheets I have of my grandma's, the sheets I slept on when I was there for a week and a half in the summer of 2006. This was my favorite visit with them ever. I really got to know them, not just as grandparents, but as people, who they were.

So I put them on my bed today, thinking it would be nice to fall asleep smelling their house, I know the smell won't last long, but I knew it would be there at least tonight. I just laid down with Paul, and he LOVES these sheets. They are brightly colored flowers. He kept saying 'pretty neat, pretty neat' while rubbing them, then he was saying 'soft' and 'pretty flowers'. It was so sweet. I had this momentary thought, "I need to tell my grandma how much Paul loves these sheets". That's when the sadness came in. I can't tell her. Death is so final, I know that is a silly statement to make, but it's something I'm realizing so much these days.

Monday, April 06, 2009


It's been a hard week and thought I'd update a little. Thought not really in the mood to write, but taking the time while Paul sleeps :).

My grandpa died on Wednesday. My grandma's death had just started to sink in, so this is just so, so hard. Having them both gone is just so overwhelmingly sad. I am very glad I was able to go to the funeral though. I think it really helped with making it real and not just something I can push aside and not deal with. It was also very sudden. I am so very glad that I had been able to get to know them as an adult. The last long visit I had, about 3 years ago, was so nice. Before that I had only known them as a kid knows their grandparents, but I was able to get to know them for the people they were. I don't know if that makes any sense. I still regret that I was just awful about correspondence though. Could have been so much closer if I'd tried. I hate that I am just so awful about that. anyhow. Not really needing to get into that right now.

I feel a big hole right now, which I don't feel I deserve to feel. Can't really explain that one.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009


I just can't seem to get motivated at all. I'm just worn out. In the last 6 weeks, Paul's been sick, Chip had surgery, Paul was sick again and the whole worry over a miscarriage. I just need a break, bad, and a chance to clean with NO ONE in the house, so I can actually, you know, clean. So behind and out of whack. Keep waiting for normal to come back so I can function better. Need to get motivated, badly.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

so done

I'm so done with Paul being sick. How can he get sick again? Seriously, we don't go ANYWHERE, he has no contact with other kids. How is this possible? I'm so, so tired of this. It's been almost a month, and we had one good week. I want to sleep, I want to clean my house, I want to not have to change diarrhea diapers every hour, including over night. I don't even know what he has. No fever, no tummy ache, nothing, just grouchy child with major bowel issues.

I'm also done with him begging for daddy all the time. What the hell am I suppose to do about that? I can't make him appear when he's at work, I can't make him wake up when he's sleeping. Maybe it's a sick think, I don't know, it's just frustrating. I need a freaking break for 5 minutes. Add in the whole miscarriage thing and I'm just fried.



Things are rather blah here right now. Rough and hard and frustrating. Just kind of want to know what's going on. Don't really want to get into details, as I'm still trying to have hope, and maybe even fool myself a bit that I'm not going to have to deal with this again. Yuck. So good thoughts and prayers please. Will update on this when I know for certain what is happening.

In other news, I'm ready for a nap. Can't wait for Paul to want to sleep. Was thinking Chip might actually get up so Paul could see him, not looking so. Paul's really been miserable since daddy had surgery. He just wants his daddy back. All day I listen to him begging and asking. Ready for a break!


Monday, March 16, 2009

water filters

I LOVE our water filter. It is wonderful. We live in 'Chlorine is good for you so lets put a ton in the waterville'. And we are right next to the storage tank, so the water smells and tastes like a pool. We got a Brita water filter for the sink, and wow, you'd never know we had undrinkable water. I was reminded of how wonderful this little filter was while at my parents yesterday, wow, how quickly one forgets that horrid taste!

Paul's second birthday

Yesterday was Paul's second birthday. I can't believe he's two! It seems so fast and also like he has always been here.

Today I made him a cake (from scratch too!) It was good :) We had his little party at my parents house. Paul always loves going there, so he had fun :). I was a little upset. My sister and family came with McDonald's (my mom was making lunch - I do understand it was late for lunch, 1pm, so needing to get my nephew something to tide him over). I think it put my mom in a bad mood. Also we seemed rushed. I hate that. Paul only turns 2 once! Then they left as soon as everything was done, super fast. I guess I should have picked a better time, but Chip wanted to be there and he works at 5, so 1 it was. Anyhow, all little things, and trying to remember that Paul had a good time, I think he would have loved to stay longer. Mom wasn't feeling well, and Paul was really needing to sleep.

Other than that, I have been thinking about some of the things I remember about him when he was itty bitty. Things I'll probably forget if I don't write them down.

My favorite is that from the time he was just a few weeks old, he would always smile when he unlatched and finally fell into sleep. It was the signal that I could get up with out him getting upset. It was so cute though :). The other night, he laughed in his sleep, I wish I knew what he dreamed about.

I need to think of more before they get forgotten.


Wednesday, March 11, 2009

surgery day

Today was Chip's surgery. It was same day/outpatient surgery. We are home now. It went pretty well, he's in pain, but has meds :). We'll see how tomorrow goes. So far, Paul's been great, hasn't jumped on him at all, which was a big worry. But I have been amazed anytime I get crazy worried about Paul and some situation, I am always proved wrong, which is good, in this case.

For a little background for those who may be newer to reading, we don't watch tv here, we have a dvd player, and watch maybe 5 dvd's over and over again :) Robinhood men in tights being Paul's favorite :) For Richer or Poorer being mine, and the King of the Hill being Chip's. Anyhow, of course, they had tv on in the waiting area. I was just so amazed how unused to it I was. It was just too much and very much a reminder of why I do not like tv. The commercials were awful! yucko! Just glad we don't have to deal with that at home :).

Paul is currently eating chicken that he is dipping in a mix of bbq sauce and ranch dressing. Apparently he thinks that tastes good?? :)

Oh, and his absolute cutes word yet is 'sprinkle'. I wish I could figure how to spell it how he says it, but it is so cute!


Monday, March 09, 2009

quick catch up post

The last month has been crazy. Can't believe it's been a month!

First we found out that one of our cats has feline leukemia. At first they said she'd not last a week. We went to a different vet, got stronger antibiotics and she's doing much better. We just need to get her to gain some weight. So, yes, she won't live as long as the others, but I think getting her infection in check really helped her a LOT.

Then we found out that I'm pregnant, which is great news for us, but it's also an odd place to be since we are still waiting on the verdict from Chip's annulment. We are happy though.

Paul was sick for over a week, more like a week and 5 days. Some kind of virus. He has NEVER been sick like that before. I am so glad to have my baby back, it was so sad to see him just not be him, he was miserable!


Friday, February 13, 2009

kitty news

We have had a horrible year with our cats. Today we found out that Trey, has feline leukemia. She is expected not live very long (weekend, maybe a little longer). We have no idea how she got it. She is home with us now with antibiotics to help her infections (mammary glands). Now we just have to hope that the others don't get sick too. We got the shots for them today, decided against testing them because there is nothing that can be done, and then we'd KNOW more cats were going to die, which we can't handle at this point.

Sadness abounds today.


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

good day

Today has been a good day, despite getting up WAY too early for me. But even that was nice as I got to see the morning sun, and the moon setting, that was awesome. I wish I had taken a picture.

Paul and I took a nice nap too, and it seems he is asleep for the day, incredibly early, but expected with such a short night last night. I'm just waiting a bit because I hate getting all ready to sleep only to find out that no, Paul is not out for the night.

I'm also feeling refreshed in spirit, I really don't know why, just not feeling so isolated. It's great to find other people who make some of the choices you do. Also, it's nice to have a car that I can drive! :) Knowing I'm going to meet up with some friends this weekend is great, and then next week I will be meeting some other breastfeeding moms, so possible friendships there, or at least people to talk to! :)

Okay, back to normal life, litter box and laundry! :) Then sleep hopefully. :)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

fire in a pit

I don't know if I wrote about our frozen water here. Last week it was frozen for five days. It was just insane! It finally melted because Chip started a fire in the trench that our landlord never filled in, which is why the pipe froze. Anyway. It was frozen this morning, and we had another fire. I'm sure our neighbors think we are nuts! Landlord was even here yesterday and didn't fill it in. Of course the ground is frozen, so it wouldn't be easy. I just want our water to work all the time. At least we know how to fix it now :)

Hopefully we aren't here next winter! Oh, and on that note, I'm ready for spring!


Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Pay it Forward

I've never done this kind of thing before, but it seemed like a neat idea and I do enjoy making things for people, so I thought I'd give it a try. :)

Pay it forward crafting movement

The first 4 people that leave a comment (please leave your name if you don't sign in :) or I won't know who you are) will get sometime in the next year, a handmade gift from me. :) I will try to make it something that would be something you'd like (will probably email you for color schemes and themes you like, or you could leave them in your comment)

Just be sure to leave a similar post on your blog/website. The Rule is you must also pay it forward to be paid forward.


Monday, February 02, 2009

disposable diapers for a week, thoughts

We use cloth diapers, have since the very beginning. I love them. It is alittle more work (like 5 seconds more and a few extra loads of laundry a week), but I really like them and thinks it's worth the little extra work. Anyhow.

So we didn't have water for 5 days, and the water froze nearing the end of my diaper stash. So Paul was in disposable diapers for a week. This is just my random thoughts regarding this 'experiment', please don't think I'm picking on you because you don't use cloth diapers!

Yeah, those things stink, a lot! Wow, I just couldn't get over it. Now, don't get me wrong, Paul's diaper stinks when it's super wet, but it just smells like pee or poop, not like pee or poop that is drenched in some scent. And why is there a scent on them?? Oh, and the whole mushy feeling of a wet diaper, kind of made my stomach turn. Paul also didn't know what to think of them. All of a sudden his diaper was crinkly. He kept grabbing at it to make it make the noise, that was kind of cute. :) Chip said he couldn't wait for Paul to smell like Paul again :) (the scent in the diapers was very overwhelming).

I will admit that the convenience was somewhat nice, but the smell, noise, scent and having them laying in my trash was enough to make me super happy to have the cloth back.

So, final thoughts, try cloth diapers, they are crazy cheap and scent free :).


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

up and down

Today is a yucky day, frigid cold and snowing. Of course still no water.

I am very done with this recent cold spell. I also want my water back! We did get to go over to my parents yesterday to shower, that was very nice. :)

So another day of no sun, and nothing for me to do. I don't know how much more I can take without going stir crazy! I am going to Walmart today to get Wic, so that'll be nice. It's also very warm in our car, heat is great! :)

Thoughts on things to do that don't require water? I have organized everything I can, made our prayer books. I even found another book to read. I never thought I'd say that I miss my daily chores, but I do, it was what brought the balance to my day and it was routine. Now the day is just so slow and boring.


Monday, January 26, 2009

The ending of long day number two

The day (for us) is almost over. I am so thankful for my parents and their kindness in bringing two of those big water cooler things of water over so we have more water and also the offer for us to come over and shower tomorrow. Wednesday will be nice, water again! I will have so much to do then!

I think that is part of why I am so incredibly bored. I KNOW how much I'll have to do when the water is back, where as normally I just keep up with everything so nothing really gets too overwhelming, well, normal housekeeping anyway, the extras like cleaning out the old trailer and organizing/sorting everything for storage can get overwhelming, but the day to day stuff usually goes well. But at this moment I have at least 4 loads of laundry, and three loads of dishes (two will go into the dishwasher, but have to still be rinsed and of course because of the electrical issues I can only do one major appliance at a time, so no dryer and dishwasher at the same time). Anyhow, that is all crazy boring to most of those who will be reading. Needless to say, in two days, wow, it's going to be crazy. Of course with the way they change the forecast it could end up being next week before the thaw!

Oh, I have been working on Paul's word list. I am trying to keep track of all the words he adds each day, but I miss so many. He'll say a new one when we are out and I totally forget it by time we get home. It is neat to see him learning so much though. He has recently started putting together a few words to form mini sentences :). My favorite was the other night when he wanted the dog to play with her ball. Chip threw it and the dog was half asleep, so didn't go. Paul was pulling on her collar and said 'get puppy get'. My other favorite is whenever we give him food, the dog is always right next to him, she knows where the easy food comes from! :) He always says 'no puppy, no puppy' since Paul knows she'll take it the first chance she gets. Since seeing how he views the dog, we have tried very hard to help him protect his food, and teaching her that she can only eat if he's left it on the floor. Though sometimes Paul leaves it there for safe keeping, only to chase the dog away from his treasure. :)

I think that's all for now, going to play a few games and go to sleep.


Sunday, January 25, 2009

some long days

Been a long few days here. Yesterday I was up early and Paul only napped for a bit in the car. Plus, no water, it's frozen, yay - not! So sick of frozen water. It's been colder than this and we have had water, just very frustrating. I'm just remaining grateful for Casey's and that they let us get gallons of water from their tap and don't charge us.

On the other side of that, the water did not unfreeze yet, today, which means it probably won't unfreeze until WEDNESDAY, yes, that's right, WEDNESDAY, like three days from now. I don't know what we'll do. I have diapers and other laundry to do, and also we are almost out of dishes. Plus you know things like a shower or what not would be nice. That is making today long, and that Paul got up crazy early today, and Chip is in a class (concealed carry) and then work, so alone all day.

I need to find something to keep me busy, as most of the work I do around the house involves water - laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. I can vacuum, which I already did. I have folded all the laundry and organized the kitchen. I am plumb out of things to do. So I sit here bored crazy, wishing Paul would stop climbing on things so I can maybe actually sit and ENJOY the sitting. He's too good. I have taken everything away he can climb, so he is now pulling out the drawers to climb them, how crazy is that? He is too smart for his own good!

I should go, he's over there yelling 'DOWN, DOWN, DOWN'.


Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Long day

Chip went back to evenings this work week. Which in general is a good thing, fits much better with all of our sleeping patterns, and it seems that I am having more time to get house work done, so that's cool.

Today he had a long test with the highway patrol, in hopes of getting hired at some point. So he has been gone ALL day, and is working tonight. It has been a long, boring day! I had a ton that I wanted to get done, but just could never get in the mood for it. Really need to kick myself. Still have a LONG time before going to bed, so might get a little more done. Just so much right now.

This week Chip also meets with our new priest for the first time. Looking forward to that, don't know how long I'll get to stay as sitting and still are not things that Paul understands or does, at all. Lets just say he's 'full of life' :)

Tomorrow we are moving our desk over here, I can't wait! Just getting some more normalcy to our lives will be nice, plus, the whole computer on the counter/bar thing, just doesn't work, at all.

On that note, I really should get those dishes done, they are sitting right across from me taunting me, and have been for two days! I wish they made dishwashers big enough for bigger dishes!