Friday, November 06, 2009

wearing me down

Still going. Can't sleep because they are unbearable while laying down. Will try again later when Paul wakes up. Somewhere I need to find it in me to deal with this another day. More organized though and stronger, so I guess that's progress. So glad we didn't tell anyone (besides online people) so that we don't have the phone ringing and people waiting, can't handle that!

I so wanted to enjoy what could have been my last night cuddling with Paul, but it was so hard. I just want to lay down and enjoy him, I'm really, really going to miss having it be just him, giving him the attention he wants/needs when he wants and needs it. Kind of mourning the loss of being able to dedicate myself to just him, not having to split my time. He's my little boy and I just hope he does okay having to share me (and daddy). Maybe no one else really felt this way, or even gets it. I almost feel like I'm losing Paul, I don't know how to explain that better.

Of course on the other hand, I'm just ready for this to be over. Prayers, good thoughts, anything you have, to help me muster up the mental, physical and emotional energy to get through another day, please send. Also to help with this grief that I am feeling very real right now regarding Paul. I am hoping it's not hindering me and labor.

1 comment:

Mom2BabiesA&I said...

Thinking of you and hoping things progress for you. The grieving of just you and Paul is normal, doesn't make it easier of course but its totally normal. It will all melt away when the newb gets here and you see how their interact even at such a young age. Aaron LOVED helping with the baby, bringing me wipes, throwing the diapers in the pail, getting me my drink while I was nursing. Just keep Paul involved if he wants to be and you will be good to go!