Monday, December 31, 2007


I just found a neat web site, you can make your own radio station, and it's free! As you listen you can say if you like a song or not and it further customizes the station to music you'd like. I'm enjoying it!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

deep thoughts

People are so many layers, each one brings something to our lives that make us the completely unique person we all are. we try to pigeon hole ourselves into categories and no one fits. For me this has led to misery for most of my life. It wasn't until a fateful conversation with Anne from geology class (who has since become a good friend), when I discovered the Faith. For the first time EVER I realized I have control over the path of my life. I don't have to be a lemming just going with the flow of what is considered 'normal' or politically correct or even what is expected of me from family. That was a huge step.

This is taken a huge turn from where I had wanted it to go! And I can't get back on track.

I don't know why I continue to try to put myself into one group or category, I know it never works, it's just a path toward destruction. I am so many things.

I want to list my layers
Moral conservative
Religious conservative
politically - I don't know! I Like Ron Paul though
I love punk music like Blink 182
I love Dave Matthews Band
wanna be farmer
conspiracy theorist (never thought I'd add that one)
Attachment parent
small town midwestern girl
I think the list goes on and on.

Many people through the years have helped me discover each layer, and to them I am ever thankful.

So part of the new me is NO PIGEON HOLES they don't work!



He is a very special little boy. I haven't had much experience with other 9 month olds, but he's something else. Everything is new to him and you can see it in his eyes. He studies everything thoroughly. He is stubborn and very determined. A very happy little boy. I never thought I'd have a happy child, I thought I'd have a sullen child, like me. Over this weekend I'll try to take pictures of a day in the life of Paul.


Saturday, December 29, 2007

trailer park life

okay, so if you don't know, I live in a trailer park. It's just outside city limits which is nice (no regulations - well except what the park owner says). But man, oh man do I live near some of the loudest, rudest people possible. There are only 8 families here (11 trailers), and most are related. Chip has sworn me to 'not make a fuss', so I am left here listening to BLARING music, fights, honking horns at all hours of the day. I DO NOT understand it at all. I sometimes feel like I'm back in college living in a college town apartment. So there, that's the complaint I am allowing myself today.

only 13 payments left!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then we can move, YAY!!!


life of a mother

I was going through my drafts, which I didn't even know I had on here and I found this, it's from 2 years ago, and even more pertinent now, especially given my recent post on loss of self. This does a MUCH better job of saying what I was feeling and thinking. And it puts it in a more positive way.

I received this in an e-mail this morning. I do not know who originally wrote it. Enjoy!

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm a car to order, "Right around 5:30, please."

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going. she's going. she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.

They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their uilding was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there." As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

still funky

I just can't seem to kick it. I don't know if it's the weather (cold and wet, no sun) or holiday blues. So if you have a few extra prayers please share them with me :). I don't think it's the post partum because that was totally different/scary. I'm just bummed, I think that is a word that works. Not bummed at any one thing, but just in general. Can't wait to share a few really good posts. I don't get online much while Chip is home.


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

update on Faith

So I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do it, but I have made a list of things to work on. So far today has gone good. I got a lot done. So hopefully I'll be able to keep it up and make good steps towards my goal.


Sunday, December 23, 2007


Faith is precious, it saves a person in so many ways. Several years ago I made a very conscience choice to lose mine for whatever stupid reason (I still do not KNOW the reason I chose to do that), I think I felt I needed the challenge or a break. Or maybe it was just a very low point in my life and I didn't feel like fighting my parents to be Catholic (I was living at home). Anyhow, I want it back. I try, but it seems like I can't do it. My non-Catholic-yet husband has more faith than I do. Where did it go?

I am bringing this up because I have been feeling very, very downtrodden lately and very much like I'm cursed. Nothing goes right, ever. We are SO poor I fear writing about it because people do stupid things like report poor people to DCFS for being poor. Anyhow, I'm really tired of feeling that way, I hate reading others blogs, posts, stories about the lives they lead that I want. Jealousy is NOT productive, especially to a person like me who is very prone to feeling down. So I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm putting this here as a very real and visual reminder to NOT feel like that. Others don't control me - well besides God. Who freaking cares if my parents think I'm a total failure? I simply can NOT let that run my life. I don't WANT their life. I want a simple, natural, CATHOLIC life. I don't need fancy things like a coffee maker. I need to overcome what was imparted on me during my upbringing and focus on what is really important.

So, I really don't know how I'm going to go about this, not a clue. Obviously, I need more prayer, much more prayer in my life. And of course the continued living in a Catholic way with Chip while we wait hopefully for annulment news. But the big one is how to get over feeling like a failure. That I don't know how to do, not at all. Someone help me with that please. How do you get to the point that you don't care what others think (really don't care, not just saying you don't care).

Recently we realized that we let others poke at our choices for life without saying one thing back. We can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I'm kind of tired of sitting there while people say that how I'm raising my son is bad or wrong or somehow 'not normal'. I DO NOT WANT to be normal.

I think the real thing is that I'm tired of being a doormat with all those around me (I am not one at home, just with everyone else). I need to figure out how to not be like that. Strong people tell me how you do it please, seriously. Anyhow, I am going to try to figure this out and any input you all have is helpful. Thank you,



It has been a few rough days, I'm not doing too well. I think it's just the cold, rainy/snowy weather, but I don't know, seems a little deeper than that. So if you have a few minutes, a few prayers would be appreciated. I really don't want to go back on the meds so I'm hoping it's just the weather.

I have a few neat things I really want to post about, but I'm not quite in the mood. So hopefully over the next few days I'll get them posted.

It's cold here and our water is TOTALLY frozen. Even our toilet is frozen, which is just WONDERFUL. And I have to pee (sorry, but I do). Can't wait for it to warm up just a little bit.

Off to go make the fire warm again.


Thursday, December 13, 2007

Losing Kitty

Today our cat, Kitty, passed away. A month ago we took her to the vet for an abscessed tooth and she never got better. It ended up that she had a very fast growing cancer in her mouth (so fast that I noticed it growing every day over the last week while I was feeding her with a syringe - I just didn't know what it was). We took her to the vet today thinking the tooth was reinfected, to find out it was a horribly aggressive cancer, that had made her unable to see, smell or open her mouth.

Kitty's story

One December day in 2005 I was outside and I heard a weird noise, almost like a far off chainsaw. Next I saw an orange tabby sitting on top of the dumpster - sound must be the cat purring - wow, what a purr! Next thing I knew she was running up to me, I thought she was going to attack me, but lo and behold all she wanted was to be pet, and boy oh boy did she have a purr. A loud beautiful purr that could rumble a whole bed and be heard from another room. I wish I had a sound clip to share. We called her Kitty, it stuck.
Over the next few months she started coming inside more and then during all the tornadoes in March we started keeping her inside during storms. By June she was totally inside and never looked back. She loved being an indoor kitty with a warm, dry bed and love.
We didn't know how old she was until they took out her tooth, 12, so she found us at 10. She will be missed, hopefully I'll be able to hear that purr for years to come. It was such a gift from a cat who found me when I needed her most when it probably was more than she needed us.
Thanks for reading. I'll find some pictures to share of her in the next few days.


Okay, I am going to attempt to put these movies of Paul on here. Please let me know if they work or if you can't see them. My camera does not record sound, so it's just the picture.


Wednesday, December 12, 2007


I got lured into Facebook. I like it a lot better than Myspace. Myspace seems so vulgar, this isn't so much so, or so it seems after being on it for all of 2 days! So if you have one, look me up - Julie Petersen.


Tuesday, December 11, 2007

a few more pictures

I found a cd of pictures that I hadn't put up before, so here they are. These were all taken around Aug. 24, so he was 5 and a half months old. He has a pumpkin sleeper on that I got before he was born thinking that it'd fit him at halloween, it barely fit for this pictures!

I LOVE this face.

"What's that thing in front of me???" always a thoughtful baby.

He's right at the end of rolling over.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The last several months

In August we bought this place, since then it has been so crazy! It was also at that time, or shortly before that the computer died, or started to die. Then no internet or computer.

Never move and remodel at the same time. And a rule for remodeling - if it can rot, it has! This place is NO where near where we'd hoped it would be before moving it. Every time we'd remove something or go to fix something, there was another piece of rotted flooring or wall or support beam. We also ran out of money! But in the end it'll be great and just what we want. And most of all, bug free, clean and waterproof (whoever designed trailers in the 60's didn't think much about how to keep water OUT).

I'd say the best thing is that each payment (only 14 left!!!!) is one less we'll have to pay. It's great to have that monthly rent going somewhere.

Of course, also never go on a cross country trip in the MIDDLE of moving and remodeling. Of course that trip wasn't for fun, Chip's father was very ill and he dearly wanted to meet Paul. It still breaks my heart that they wouldn't let me in his room with Paul. All he wanted was to see him (he has bad eyesight, so he couldn't really see Paul from the doorway). It's been hard since getting back because we can't call (no phone yet, next month, can't wait!). The phone company won't give us a phone, silly huh.

These last few months have also been a huge time of growth for us and really for Chip. He's really come a long way in his faith. It's been great.

Now just some very important big, giant steps and things will be set right, can't wait. (getting the net also helps with that, of course when the computer died we lost all the stuff he had written and prepared for the annulment, so now he can put it back together).

Okay, I should go get Paul to sleep, he's a tired baby today and cutting a new tooth (number 5!).



Okay, I'm going to try this. I normally put them on my photobucket, but I can't remember my name or password, so going to try to put them in here. My dad took these on Halloween and emailed them to me. Still no cable for the camera, which has a TON of pics!
Okay, looks like it worked.
He was 7 and a half months old in these.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

no pictures yet

I can't find the cable that connects the camera to the computer! There are at least 50 pictures on there and several videos that I can't wait to share!

Just a cute story to share from today. I took the dog out and got the mail, when I got to the door to come back in, Paul had crawled over to the door and was standing up looking through the window at me. But they way he was standing I couldn't open the door or I would knock him over. Poor guy just wanted me and I couldn't get to him. Daddy came to the rescue though. It was the cutest and also the most sad thing all at once. Precious baby crying for mommy and mommy can't get there, and it was the first time that he crawled after me, heart melting! :)
Off to go get the fire set for sleeping and to bed I go.


So nice

I can not tell you how nice it is to be back in contact with people! There is something very isolating about not being able to leave the house, call anyone or even email/chat with people. I think it's going to take several days to get used to this again! Sure does lift the spirit though.

I don't remember how long it has been since we have had a reliable computer AND internet connection, at least 5 months, so there is a lot to catch up on. I have a ton to say, but not sure if I'll get to it all right now. Paul's been asleep for awhile, so due to wake up soon.

First, Paul is HUGE and crawling and cruising. I'll get some pictures up here in the next few days. Have to relearn everything, and find all my passwords! Lost all of that when the computer died months ago. I'm not sure how much he weights, somewhere around 25 to 28 pounds and he's about 27 inches tall. Still nursing all the time. When he crawls he uses his feet and hands, not his knees, it's super cute! I have a video of it, I'll try to figure out how to post it, we'll see :). Oh, he's 8 and a half months old! It goes so fast.

These last few months have been very trying. Just finally have we gotten back to a somewhat 'normal' life. Between moving, fixing the new place, fixing the old place, a trip to CT and running out of money completely, it's so nice to finally be putting things back into place.

I think I'll leave it at that. Trying to put the last months into words is just proving too hard to do :). Just glad to have an outlet now and be back into contact with others.


Friday, December 07, 2007

We're back

I don't know where to begin! So I'm just going to say I'm here again and I will reply and fill you all in on the last few months once I'm not totally overwhelmed by the ability to actually talk to people :).