Sunday, January 31, 2010

thoughts on self learning

We are big believers in self learning. Or Natural learning as some people also call it. Recently, seeing Paul learn things totally on his own without our pushing or prodding, it has really been proven true! Paul knows his colors. He figured this out all on his own. No drilling, quizzing, pushing or belittling needed. It simply amazes me how these little people learn. He is learning ALL the time. Every thing is learning for him. I look forward to watching him teach himself all kinds of things. It really is fascinating! Kids really do have the ability to learn what they need to learn if given a supportive, safe and encouraging (in our case reading to him when ever he wants and answering his questions). It might not be in a time frame that some people think it needs to be, but it is in the time frame that they need.

going to start using labels for the posts I think :)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

ending the day

The day ended well, even if it's middle was frustration. I have two sleeping, precious babies, looking forward to joining them soon. I had something incredibly profound to say, but it disappeared in the few minutes it took to get here. Isn't that always how it is? Tomorrow I will be a better mother. I have it in me, I just need to do it. Priories need to be put in order. Can't repeat history.

Friday, January 29, 2010

life, happens! and Dolores.

Having a tough day. Can't pinpoint one exact reason. I have so much to do, mostly things like sending emails and such like that, phone calls. House is mostly done. Just fretting over things, a lot. Like the food stamp reverification (every 6 months, always get a little nervous, but Chip has had overtime, so it could not be good, and we'd have to wait a month, when his work is actually cutting hours, yippie, just what we need!) It could just be very, very bad.

Land looking is so frustrating. No one wants a trailer as old as ours or as small (they want like 5 years old and at least 16 feet wide, ours is from 1986 and 14 feet wide). We have to find some place though or it's trailer park hell and we DO NOT want to go there, not at all, so not a good place for the kids or us. Who wants drug dealers and child molesters 10 feet from your door?

Frustrated with the whole loss of self thing. I just want to be able to sit down and write an email, and actually have time to THINK about what I'm saying, not rush, rush, rush and have typos and not say things as well as I'd like (yes I know I could be writing an email now, but I also need to do this!)

I hate that Paul can open the bedroom door, absolutely hate it. Did I say I hate it. I don't mind him in here, but then he has to bring 10 cats in here to play string with and then I have to get them ALL out. Plus they want to climb on the computer so typing or reading or anything is just impossible. Don't have anymore of those door knob thingy's, need to find them.

Half frozen water again, and backed up sewer, blah, blah blah, so done with this stuff.

Yes, just life happening :). And I think a little of the post pregnancy wonder hormones are going away. Makes me want to take drugs! Of course I did that after Paul and I was a COMPLETE air head, about like what I am now, I can't imagine what they'd do to me now. I think I'd be a drooling, fumbling blob! :)

Last complaint, then done. I'm frustrated with our computer as well. I hate that I can't watch videos of any kind. The only thing that works is Java. I hate missing peoples slideshows and videos. Plus it has gotten so s l o w lately. I simply do not have the patience that I need to deal with it! So silly I know, but it's there and I'm whining, so I might as well whine it all out!

Anyhow, just needing to refocus here, so tomorrow doesn't start off bad. Tomorrow needs to be good :). I will be going to confession tomorrow too, looking forward to that. It has been a LONG, long time since I have gone.

Now a little about Dolores. I am hoping to get a picture taken today since she's 12 weeks old. Crazy to think that 12 Friday's ago at this moment I was laying in bed with my brand new little girl. Only 12 weeks, but yet feels so much longer than that! I am also starting to get to the point that I remember little bits from Paul at this age, which is nice. They are a LOT different :) She is trying so hard to figure out laughing. A few times she has gotten half a laugh out. She's also able to get almost on to her side by herself. Can't believe that she'll be rolling over so soon (I don't remember when these things happen, but I think it's about four months right??). It happens so fast.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


So this last week or so has been a lot of up and down. But in the end it has been good. The car started working, like we thought it would if given time. Have to remember to trust our faith rather than letting others frantic worry get in the way.

The other is family drama, but out of that drama I have found out how awesome some family members are. We had talked before, but this time, really talked, not just superficial stuff. Very happy to have I guess it would be considered a rekindling of a friendship, not that there ever was a falling away, but there were misrepresentations present.

Also, kindness. I am always surprised by people kindness, I don't know why.


Sunday, January 17, 2010


It has been a rough week. Way too much family drama! So glad to just be getting over that and hoping to not get anymore involved than I am already.

Haven't been sleeping well, or I guess I should say that sleep has been so odd lately. Paul waking odd hours, going to sleep odd hours, napping when he normally doesn't.

Anyhow, the last few days have been rough, not being very patient with the kids and a little high strung. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

In good news, the car was frozen, so on the first day above freezing (Wed.) it started. Such an answer to prayers! Also this Saturday is when Chip should be coming in to the Church, as long as we have the sponsor squared away. Pretty exciting. Then only one other marriage prep class and we'll be able to have our marriage convalidated! Hopefully all before Lent :). It has been a LONG time and a LONG wait, very, very exciting :).

I think Dolores wants to eat, and I have nothing really exciting to say, just the normal random boring stuff of my life.


Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Winter blahs or more?

I am so glad it's getting warmer for a little bit. That still doesn't seem to be helping. I don't know if it's the car not working, or family stuff or what. Feeling pretty lonely here. There is more to it, but I'm not sure who all reads here, so won't share (I do have a secret blog for that kind of stuff, but, yeah, no one reads there! - let me know if you want a link, I think you have to have an account to read it though). Ready for spring and lots of sun that's for sure! Also hope the car magically starts working. I don't know what we will do if it doesn't. Sure wish those great post partum hormones were still around. :) They should have lasted just another month or so and then spring would be here :).

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

a few pictures

Paul sleeping with Buddy and Bobcat

A picture taken by Paul of his feet and Lighting McQueen and Doc, who are upside down :)

Is it Paul or John Denver?

Sitting in his dump truck and he even smiled when I asked him to! :)

Dolores looking in the mirror

Two months old, 9 weeks

Smiling at 8 weeks

Thursday, January 07, 2010

wits end

This is just insane, the cold, it really has to stop. I can't take it anymore. The water is frozen, the car frozen, hopefully. At least t he washer works, the toilet is starting to freeze after just an hour of non flushing and the bathroom sink is now hot water only. Which wouldn't be a bad thing except the hot water tap is broken so it is VERY slow, and that is how I'm filling water jugs for cooking and washing dishes. I need three gallons to wash dishes and we use about 3 gallons for drinking and cooking. It now takes almost 10 minutes to fill ONE milk jug. I really am about to lose it. Add in everything else, like the car not working, the likelyhood of needing a new one, the fact that we can't keep it above 60 in the living rm/kitchen (where we are most of the time). The cats water is frozen, yes, it's so cold in there that the water froze. Just very frustrated right now. I want to be able to wash dishes normally, you know with a sink of water and the ability to properly rinse them.

On top of that I am so, so, so exhausted. I have not had a good nights sleep in over a week, or one that was longer than about 4 hours. And tomorrow was suppose to be my post partum visit with the midwife, Ihave been looking forward to this for weeks, and now we can't go. Something needs to give and it's going to be days before it's above freezing, I don't htink I can do days.

Forgive the whining, it's probably mostly because I'm so exhausted. I know there are bigger things in the world, just needing a little pity party right now.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010


Paul just peed in a litter box, he thought it was pretty neat. At least he used it for the right thing and not playing in it like he always wants to do!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010


Everything is so, so cold, and there is NO end in sight. I am ready for it to be over with. I hate spending hours filling water jugs from the tiny sink in the bath, and worrying about weather the washer will work tomorrow or the toilet. I know there is no hope for the shower or kitchen sink, not until it's above freezing, but when will that be? The floor is cold, the windows are all iced over. In order to dry a load of laundry I have to freeze since there isn't enough electricity to our house to power both the dryer and the main source of heat (the oven!) Mostly just needing a break from something, I need something to get easier for a day. This is just absolutely ridiculous. Where is spring?

Sunday, January 03, 2010


What is it about good, beautiful music that puts one in a melancholy mood?


listening to my fav Dave Matthews CD, my soul feels good! I will regret the lack of sleep tomorrow, but I think I need this more! I love Dave!

Saturday, January 02, 2010

eight weeks

I can't believe it's been 8 weeks! I guess it's really more like 8 weeks and a day, but she was born on a Friday so I always remember on Friday. Can't believe that only 8 Friday's ago was our first night with her. Paul sadly slept in Daddy's chair in the living room, with Daddy on the couch. I had the room to myself. It seems like she has been here forever, but yet is also so, so new. I can't believe how fast it goes. I wish I had been writing more about here during these early days that so easily get forgotten!

I am so glad to have the little one in my life, well both my little ones :). Each night as I'm falling asleep, Paul on one side, Dolores on the other, each cuddled as close as they can get to me, I am SO thankful to be their mom. It is usually one of the last thoughts of conscienceless I have.


Friday, January 01, 2010

Birth of Dolores, rebirthing for me

Rebirthing ~ the birth of Dolores Philomena

The story of her labor and birth began with Paul. We had wanted a homebirth, but due to many things and choices that we made, we ended up with a forced induction, which still to this day, we both regret reporting to, we just didn't know what other options we had. We knew that any following birth would be a homebirth, regardless.

For Dolores' birth we picked a wonderful, wonderful midwife, who I hope someday I can give adequate recognition too. She was so gentle and positive, helpful and present. She involved everyone in the pregnancy/prenatals and was concerned about every one's needs being met. I looked forward to our meetings everyday, even if the next one wasn't for four weeks! I just don't think I can say enough about how grateful we are that we found her, and that she agreed to be our midwife. She truly believed in me/us and my ability to birth a baby. We left every prenatal feeling so invigorated and rejuvenated. I really wish I could meet with her weekly, or that she was close enough to meet with weekly, even now.

Now for the birth!

I woke on Thursday morning (11/5) to contractions that felt like period cramps, I don't know what time it was, but it was early (like 5 or 6 am). I didn't tell Chip right away because I didn't know if it was 'the labor' or just something else. By around 8, I figured it was at least not going away, told Chip and we called the midwife. We went about our day, it happened to be a pay day, so we had lots to do. Through out the day I continued having contractions, somewhere in the general area of every 5 to 10 minutes. After Chip went to sleep I kept track and tried to get some sleep. I would sleep in between and wake with each one, that was NOT pleasant at all, but at least I woke Friday feeling somewhat rested.

On Friday morning, it seemed they were still the same, but looking back, they were much more intense, I guess it happened so gradually that I didn't notice the increase in intensity! I should have known because I was having a hard time dealing with Paul and the contractions. I could not sit down or lay (much more painful, though I did try to sit or lay to rest my legs!), had to be standing and pacing. I talked to the midwife and it was determined that she would head out when they didn't change when I laid down (they were still slowing down if I sat or laid down).

Chip took Paul for a ride to Walmart, hoping he would fall asleep so I could get rest and also Chip was hoping to catch a little nap too, as we both figured it would be a LONG night!

They left at a little after 1, maybe like 1:15??. I went to the bathroom and had a contraction and then tried laying down. I had one three minutes after the one on the potty, which I thought was odd since I was laying down, but figured it was just because I had just laid down. Then the next one came about 3 minutes later and OH, MY GOODNESS! it was so strong and powerful I didn't know what I was going to do! I felt a pop, which I'm not sure what that was as my water had broken sometime on Thursday (when I had woken up we think). So I got up as I was feeling hungry/faintish, like I needed to eat. The contractions were pretty close together, I wouldn't say right on top of each other, but only maybe a minute between. I never got to eat.

First I got some food on my plate and had a contraction. As I was pacing around for that the stupid dog ate my food! I was so mad, it had taken probably 10 minutes for me to get that small amount of food together (between contractions). I did get some more and headed to the bedroom, as I had realized I should probably call the midwife, and I was having a hard time keeping up with the contractions. Tried laying down, but that wasn't happening. So I got out of bed somehow and got the phone. I can not tell you how hard it is to dial a number while in transition. I really didn't think I could do it. Of course it was busy :). I had her beeper number as well, but that would have meant actually dialing the phone again and I didn't think I could do that, so I just hit redial after a few contractions, when it was still busy, I mustered up, somehow, the will to dial not only the beeper number but also OUR phone number to enter in. I still don't know how I did that, I just remember thinking that something must be VERY different about these contractions if the thought of having to dial a phone was so overwhelming. (I called the midwife at about 2:20).

While talking to the midwife I said something about the pressure, like there was a lot of pressure. I think my words were 'the pressure, there's so much pressure' or something like that. It was close to the last thing I said to her and I remember when I put the phone down I was right at the beginning of a contraction and something in the back of my head said, hey, pressure, isn't that something a lot of people in birth stories say when it's time to push? So I squatted and pushed, it felt good. I moved to the toilet because I know a lot of people in the birth stories have said that was a good place, it wasn't good for me, but it was near the tub, and somehow that was where I ended up. I didn't turn the water on, but it had a nice place to grab onto for pushing and also some good places to lean for rest when not pushing. I could really feel her moving down those first few pushes, it felt so good to have something to do to really help the process along. After several I would feel her move down and then go back up. This was very, very frustrating. But during the rest between contractions I had some moments of reality and thought maybe there was a reason for her to not come until the midwife got there (she's about 2 hours away). Of course by the time the thought was finished it was time to push again, and there was NO way that my body was going to let me not push. Pushing was okay, but if I let those contractions happen without pushing it was very, very painful, not in the way the first contractions were, something completely different. Something else interesting, looking back anyhow, was that once the midwife got here she suggested yelling/screaming from a lower place, more like a growl, and that really did help. When I first started pushing I was yelling low, but I stopped because my throat was hurting and I was afraid I'd lose my voice - silly thoughts really! so I was just yelling, like some one was killing me yelling. I think that is also when she stopped coming down so quickly. The low noises really did make a difference for me.

Chip and Paul got home a little before 4, he came in to see if I was okay, as I was yelling, loudly (I am very thankful this was during the day and the two neighbors we have were gone. I'm sure someone would have called the police thinking I was being murdered or something!). Paul was freaked out by that. Chip made sure I didn't need anything, and I didn't, was doing good, just had to yell, it's like I could not push without yelling, the two things had to happen together. He went back to Paul. The midwife got here about 20 minutes after they did, sometime after 4, and I think she said she was here about 20 minutes before Dolores was born.

She came back and checked on me, and suggested I move to the edge of Chip's bed so she could see better what was going on, since I was very frustrated that Dolores kept going back up. Once there, which was also nice because there was a place to put my head and rest in a more comfy position between pushing (I was still squatting). I still can't believe my legs did not give out, squatting for 2 hours! She also suggested that I yell from a lower place. It really did work. The first contraction with that Dolores came down a lot, she did go back up, but not as far. The midwife said that that is how babies do it, stretch a little then go up, nice and slow. In the reality between contractions it made sense for a baby to do that, but it sure didn't when I was pushing! The midwife went to try to find Chip, who was still outside with a very, very freaked out Paul. But she came right back, not finding them, and knowing the baby was coming very soon. I think it was about 2 pushes after that, maybe three, and her head was out. Then the next one, the rest of her. That was a weird feeling! Her head felt like what I thought it might, it didn't burn as much as I was expecting, which is good :). But her body, that was a weird feeling.

Dolores was born at 4:35 pm on a very, very beautiful November day (it was over 70 degrees, and sunny!). She was alert and looking around, I was the first to hold her. I don't think I can fully explain who wonderful it felt to actually birth her on my own, no one poking and prodding or instructing. I was completely able to just do what my body needed me to do. I never really thought about much, I just followed what felt right. I don't think I could ever have a baby any other way. It was such a powerful moment for me. I had thought before it all began that I wouldn't be able to do it (Paul had ended up being a c-section), I thought there might be something wrong with me. I do wish I could bottle up those wonderful post birth feelings to have them when ever I needed them.

New Year

Somewhere, I think facebook, someone was reflecting on 10 years ago. Wow, what a difference 10 years makes. I can't even believe I am old enough to reflect on 10 whole years, it really does seem like just yesterday, but at the same time, it was a lifetime ago. How different, naive, childish and young I was. I had just gotten the internet and a new computer (which now sits in a storage unit!). I went to my parents house to watch hell break loose!, it didn't, I went home and went to sleep. I really can't get over it being 10 years.

An online friend had a post on her blog about having visions rather than resolutions. I liked that idea and started thinking about my own. Mine can be summed up in becoming a better wife, mother and Catholic. All these things are tied together. By becoming a better Catholic I will become a better mother and wife. Also part of this is becoming more gentle, especially in my parenting. I am way to quick to anger, and have been doing amazingly well at not completely losing it. Now to work on being more consistent and finding a way to make the tv not work any more without it being traced to me. (yes, Chip I know you are reading this!), That is mostly said tongue in cheek, but seriously I'd LOVE the thing to go away. Dolores is already drawn too it and Paul is addicted, I hate it!

I haven't really got a plan on this vision, but I do want to look back at the end of the year and see that things are better in this area, it's key to all things in my life.