Friday, January 29, 2010

life, happens! and Dolores.

Having a tough day. Can't pinpoint one exact reason. I have so much to do, mostly things like sending emails and such like that, phone calls. House is mostly done. Just fretting over things, a lot. Like the food stamp reverification (every 6 months, always get a little nervous, but Chip has had overtime, so it could not be good, and we'd have to wait a month, when his work is actually cutting hours, yippie, just what we need!) It could just be very, very bad.

Land looking is so frustrating. No one wants a trailer as old as ours or as small (they want like 5 years old and at least 16 feet wide, ours is from 1986 and 14 feet wide). We have to find some place though or it's trailer park hell and we DO NOT want to go there, not at all, so not a good place for the kids or us. Who wants drug dealers and child molesters 10 feet from your door?

Frustrated with the whole loss of self thing. I just want to be able to sit down and write an email, and actually have time to THINK about what I'm saying, not rush, rush, rush and have typos and not say things as well as I'd like (yes I know I could be writing an email now, but I also need to do this!)

I hate that Paul can open the bedroom door, absolutely hate it. Did I say I hate it. I don't mind him in here, but then he has to bring 10 cats in here to play string with and then I have to get them ALL out. Plus they want to climb on the computer so typing or reading or anything is just impossible. Don't have anymore of those door knob thingy's, need to find them.

Half frozen water again, and backed up sewer, blah, blah blah, so done with this stuff.

Yes, just life happening :). And I think a little of the post pregnancy wonder hormones are going away. Makes me want to take drugs! Of course I did that after Paul and I was a COMPLETE air head, about like what I am now, I can't imagine what they'd do to me now. I think I'd be a drooling, fumbling blob! :)

Last complaint, then done. I'm frustrated with our computer as well. I hate that I can't watch videos of any kind. The only thing that works is Java. I hate missing peoples slideshows and videos. Plus it has gotten so s l o w lately. I simply do not have the patience that I need to deal with it! So silly I know, but it's there and I'm whining, so I might as well whine it all out!

Anyhow, just needing to refocus here, so tomorrow doesn't start off bad. Tomorrow needs to be good :). I will be going to confession tomorrow too, looking forward to that. It has been a LONG, long time since I have gone.

Now a little about Dolores. I am hoping to get a picture taken today since she's 12 weeks old. Crazy to think that 12 Friday's ago at this moment I was laying in bed with my brand new little girl. Only 12 weeks, but yet feels so much longer than that! I am also starting to get to the point that I remember little bits from Paul at this age, which is nice. They are a LOT different :) She is trying so hard to figure out laughing. A few times she has gotten half a laugh out. She's also able to get almost on to her side by herself. Can't believe that she'll be rolling over so soon (I don't remember when these things happen, but I think it's about four months right??). It happens so fast.


Katherine T. Lauer said...

Thank you for sharing about how life is happening. We've all been there in those dark moments. The dying-to-self process is very painful in my opinion.

Julie said...

Dark moments are when I'm glad I have a place to write. And yes, the loss of self is hard. Most days I'm okay with it, but there are days, (I'd say it's like 70/30) when it's hard to swallow. Been having more of them lately. I take it as I need to reevaluate my priorities, that maybe I have gotten a little selfish in someway and need to step back. I am still needing to do that since this post.