Sunday, June 06, 2010

A goodbye?

I think it's time for me to say goodbye to NB's. I know, you're thinking "didn't they reject you 8 months ago". Yes, but I have spent everyday pining for them and hoping everytime I check my email that the owner would email saying she changed her mind. Yes, I am that sad and clingy of a person!, I also have a really hard time letting go of things I care deeply about, and people I consider friends. I've toyed with the idea of begging to be let back in, Lord knows I NEED the support. But do I want support of people who don't like or want me? Am I really that pathetic? I really don't know. I know I am at propbably the lowest point ever in my life. I was going to beg the owner in an email to let me back, but realized that maybe I need to grow a backbone. Begging for friends and support is not the way to get lasting friendships or true friends.
So, I sit on the fence, knowing that I really do need to close that chapter, and yet also desperatly needing support. Feeling as a complete failure, especially as a mom even moreso as a gentle discipline mom. I think it was that feeling-failure-that made me think that goodbye was better. Like begging is just reenforcing my weakness, whereas letting go of something that doesn't want me (and hasn't for the most part missed me-the most part being the few I keep in touch with here, on Twitter and Facebook) is somewhat strengthening.
It was great, I miss it dearly, but how long does one mourn the loss of, well, a support network? I still have to decide that I guess.


I can't believe I typed that all out on this itty bitty keyboard! And I am pretty sure it's typo free!

8 comments:

JEN said...

I'm not on NB anymore-I didn't realize they wouldn't let you back in! Can I ask what happened/why? And I'm sorry :( It is hard to let go, I know *hugs*

Julie said...

I remember you mentioning that you had left in a blog, I wanted to ask you about it, but just didn't feel right, or know how to do so.

I have avoided mentioning it here because a few people read, and of course, holding out hope I'd be let back in! :)

Right before Dolores was born we had the internet back. Of course the first thing I do is reapply at NB. Never in a million years did I think they would even hesitate. I hadn't actually LEFT there, I was unsubbed because I couldn't keep up while not having the internet.

There were three reasons given. My participation was sporatic, it was my third time asking to be in the group, and my opinion on gay people. Needless to say I was hurt. I really felt at home there, I felt like they were friends, heck, I had known you, Keri, Meg and Laura since the fall of 2004. You all were very instrumental in me coming to AP/GD. It was very hard and I cried, a lot, as silly as that may seem. I have had a rough time without that support since there is nothing here at all. But I guess that is how it is suppose to be for me now. So now, trying to let go because I have to come to the reality that it isn't going to be now or ever and hoping and clinging to that isn't good for me. I just have to find a way to be okay living in my little bubble by myself! :)

JEN said...

email me @ choofymama at gmail dot com and we can chat more, and i can give you some great resources etc etc :)

*just* said...

I'm so so sorry for the insensitive response to your request. I wish LLO was more active and a happy replacement. As you probably know, my experience with NB was not positive but I understand and can relate for the craving of support when it feels like you're the only one on this path (parenting, never mind ap/gd).

Casey said...

Hey, Julie- I know you know my opinion on this one. I'm glad that you've come to a point where you are ready to say goodbye. I think any place that you need to beg to be is not a place you want to be whether you realize it now or in 6 months or 6 years.

Julie said...

*Just*. I so totally thought you were someone else! There is a friend on facebook who changed her name to *just* after a stalker issue.

I am hoping to make LLO that place for me. I actually have several things I want to post. I think I needed to come to the point I am now to let another group come into that place. I also want to make sure I post my questions when I can actually reply. I tend to post things and then we get busy and I forget. So I am hoping for that. :)

So I am pretty content with this now. I feel confident to find a new way and that I will get the support I longed for, I just have to put more work into it, which is also more rewarding :).

Jamie Carin and Claudio Romano said...

Julie,

Obviously I know nothing about the group or anything, but just wanted you to know that that is a seriously bum wrap!! I would also be very hurt by that and I would totally pine for them in the same situation.

If you think there IS a chance you can talk to the listowner and get back on the group I think maybe you should try. Not your fault you were without internet. And as for the rest there seems to be compromises or agreements that can be made.

And I have to imagine, with AP being such a growing movement the last several years, that there are OTHER active groups, no???

Jamie

Dionna @ Code Name: Mama said...

I have no idea what group you are referring to, but I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know a great group of AP/NP bloggers through the Carnival of Natural Parenting, Twitter, etc. I hope you find a strong support network, it really is vital!