Loss of self

When becoming a mother you really do lose a piece of yourself, I think a better way to word that is that your sense of self, your definition of self, changes, it has too. I don't mean this in a negative, sad, why-did-I-become-a-mom way. It's something that for me was just part of the transition. In today's world we are taught that kids just have to fit into our lives and if they don't, to bad. To me this creates a lot of conflict in parents, especially mothers.

Having a new baby I notice going through it again. I don't remember this time with Paul, I do know that I struggled with this until Dolores was born. Something clicked in my head when labor began with her. I still feel that the first day of labor was about surrender for me. Realizing that I couldn't control everything at all times. I had to give that up. The house won't be perfect ever again. I'm still trying to really accept that! But the kids are more important than ultra organization. Sometimes a dirty litter box happens or a floor isn't swept, vacuumed or mopped as much as I'd like, but I am NOT a super hero I really can not do everything and keep happy kids (and a happy mom!).

It's not only household things, but also selfishness. The kids come first in so many things. My wants are often put aside, I can't do what I want when I want or even how I want. This is another thing people expect. You live a single life before kids where you can do whatever you want when you want, and how you want, it is something that can't really remain after the kids (and even after marriage really, you have someone else to consider).

Oddly for me, I don't have grief about this loss, it's just a fact, and surrendering to it really seems to help with the conflict I felt in so much with Paul. I do still sometimes long to listen to good music loudly in the car or on the computer, but it's just something that can't really happen right now.

I find it amazing that it has come so easily this time. The first day of labor really taught me something, it was literally when I walked into the kitchen and told Chip that I thought I was in labor. My first desire of the day was to pick up toys or something silly like that and something happened that made me realize there are more important things than that, and giving up that control was necessary for me (in more ways than I can say).

Some of the reason I think this was such an easy concept for me was our marriage prep classes. There is a lot of info in them that is helpful in seeing why it is necessary to give up that mindset. Surrendering to your new vocation in life that comes with not only beginning a new shared life with a spouse, but also and I think, moreso, upon becoming parents. Your needs, desires and wants are no longer first, there is someone else to consider, they matter, but aren't the only ones to think of.

This is not to say I don't have moments that I need to step away for a minute or two to regain sanity, I do, on a daily basis. Also I do have times of being pissy because of the lack of 'me time'. But normally once I let myself think I realize my reason for being right now is to raise the kids. I was usually just throwing a tantrum and I need to grow up. I think there is a lot of built in selfishness in our society, and it's something I am working hard to get past. Surrendering, for me, is a large part of that. I also realize that this is probably a really, really old fashion way to see things, but I'm old fashion, so I guess it fits!

Photography by Paul

These are all pictures Paul has taken recently. I won't put captions, they are all in the living room. I didn't want to post at first because we live in a trailer and sometimes it doesn't look nice, but I figure, it's where we live and it's life, so here they are!

Paul found his Christmas present

Okay, we had it in the back of the car. He only has a few. Anyhow, he won't stop asking for it or asking to see it. I don't know what to do. He doesn't completely understand Christmas yet or the concept of 4 days. He understands 'tomorrow', but not 4 days. He's not getting the waiting aspect at all. Man I could kick myself for not covering it better!

So I have to listen to this for 4 more days, I hope I have the resolve to make it!

Julie

I little bit about Dolores

Today she is about 7.5 weeks old. I'm mostly writing this for me, so I remember, as I remember nothing of Paul's early days/weeks. Makes me sad sometimes that I can't recall anything, I don't know if that was the PPD or the meds to help, or normal.

She's somewhere around 11 pounds, probably closer to 11.5. Out of newborn clothes and diapers. Loves looking at faces and is trying so hard to laugh. She likes it when Paul plays next to her, just watches. She's a pretty content baby as long as her tummy is full and there's no burp being trapped in there! While Paul was more sit back and take it all in, serious is what we called him, she seems more active in her taking in. Always looking around to see what's going on, very alert. I think she'll be a jump before looking kind of kid, whereas Paul looks first. :) It's so interesting to me to see the differences between them and seeing her personality grow and bloom. I know I said this a lot with Paul, but babies really ARE people. Somewhere in my up bringing I got the impression that babies were just blobs, but they really aren't. Each is it's own person, with own personality and soul.

Now a little about her physical traits. She has a tiny bit of a cleft chin, not as deep as Paul's. She has the bent pinkies (like me) from my dad's side - the chin comes from there as well. Most interesting is her eyes, they are blue! They look green from the side, but straight one they are very blue! Now to figure out how to get pictures without red eye!

Now a picture, she's about 6 weeks old here and we were trying to get one of her smiles, but the camera has a huge delay!

Resolutions

I'm not usually big on resolutions, since I tend to never follow through, and also tend to make them too lofty and completely unattainable, at least for me! But I have a lot of time to think in the middle of the night while nursing or waiting for one child to sleep, or just during my own restlessness, and I found that most of what I think about is the people who I lost touch with, usually my own doing because I'm horrid at things like returning phone calls, emails or cards, or even making a call or sending an email to say thanks for a card or call. So I'm working on that. Trying to keep up even is slowly with emails, and getting in contact with those who I have let slip through the cracks.

I know not everyone will reply or maintain contact, but at least I tried, which for some reason puts my mind at ease, at least in thought, we'll see if it actually happens in action!

I also want to be more regular in blogging. Most nights while not sleeping and laying in bed I come up with great posts, I just can't get to the computer to type them. I think I'll try writing them in a notebook (or find a way to get a cordless mouse and keyboard). I really enjoy posting here, even if no one reads. It's like a journal, yes I do have to edit some since I don't know WHO might read it, but mostly it's just nice to have a place to put my thoughts and know that someone might read them and send a prayer or maybe even some advice or a been there, done that.

It is amazing how much life has changed since starting this blog over five years ago. I was young and stupid (how I could even think 27 was young, but it was). I had a lot of growing up to do, and still do in many ways. I really had to find my own way, in my own time. I stepped away from my faith, willingly, but that allowed me to see how wonderful the faith really is, how much sense it does make and how the world just makes so much more sense when you follow it. Not that I'm there yet. I still have a long way to go in daily practice.

I also had to find my voice and not let others always think and lead me. I know for some having someone else always lead them is good, it wasn't for me. I found that I never had my own thoughts and that those people would the voice in my head. Yes, sometimes it is good, especially when my own judgement was lacking, but for the most part I just found that I felt completely lost. I learned a lot from those people though.

Fussing baby, wants to eat, 6 week growth spurt! and who knows what Paul's gotten into. Had hoped to have some pictures, maybe later or tomorrow.

My children

It is still weird to me to say 'children' or 'kids'. Not a bad weird, but still different. :) I have been wanting to write this for a week or so.

I feel very blessed to have these two people in my life. My favorite time of day is when we go to sleep and I have them both there with me. One cuddling, the other nursing. I often reflect back to this time in Paul's life, which is so muddled by the PPD. I don't really remember much if anything about that time with him. In so many ways I feel new to this life stage with Dolores. The PPD really did take more than I thought it did away. It is such a different infanthood with Dolores, I'm very, very grateful that things are going much better, meaning no PPD this time.

Mostly I'm just glad that I might have a shot at remembering this time. It is so short a time that they are little. The last few days I really have been thinking about that a lot, how short this time is. How much I waste of these special moments because I want to clean this thing or get that done. It's really not as important at all. It's just hard to let go of that control and be more in the moment. Does it really matter that there are toys on the floor? Or that I didn't get ALL the dishes washed? No, not at all.

So glad to have them, I just hope that I can continue to remember the little moments, rather than the distractions that come up!

never look back

I need to remember this. I stupidly wanted to see how far back my sent mail went in gmail, as I had deleted it at one point and wanted to see if I still had the posts from all the baby questions from Paul. Well the sent mail started right before Paul was born. So what I see is all the emails regarding induction and such. Just makes me sad.

Then the other part was that, well I really, really miss Naturababes, a lot. I know that is probably very silly to most people, but I do seriously miss that group. I wish I could change the moderators minds so I could still be there. Sorry for being a cry baby, I'll stop now.

Julie