reality

This is me, raw and mostly unedited (curse words are gone, yes, sorry, I do use some foul language, ask Paul, he’ll tell you, don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, but I could hold my own with most sailors).  Me being real and true.  I have to reclaim this space, it is after all, my blog!

Reality always hits when I want to sleep.  I am so tired of not sleeping.  I want to curl up with my babies and sleep.  I want to hear their little noises and be so hot I don’t need a blanket because they are cuddled up next to me, but I am here because laying in bed makes horrid things go through my head.  It’s not as bad as with PPD, where I would literally be scared to close my eyes for fear of the thoughts, but it’s not cool, at all.  So I am here tonight, typing my heart out.

I haven’t been posting to the blog for a while, not regularly anyway, because I don’t like being fake.  I don’t want to put on a happy face when I am falling apart inside my head.  My kids are wonderful, yes, Paul is hard to deal with like most 3 and a half year olds, and Dolores likes mommy to not sleep much, but they aren’t the troubles.  Mostly my children are wonderful.  They are little rays of sunshine.  I will never be told ‘your children behaved so well’, but people will love them because they are real and goofy, they just won’t want us to come over, which is fine, we’ll go home and I won’t have to hover!

When you are so deep into a hole it is so hard to see outside of it and see the good around you.  All you see is the misery.   Another reason for not posting is that I am afraid of offending someone, since I do have a very random (and totally polar opposite readers, AP, liberal, very conservative), I am all of these things in different parts of my life. 

I have tried so long to find a place I fit and I really don’t fit anywhere totally.  I’m AP and gentle parenting (in theory, in reality, I need major work on these things), but also Traditional Catholic.  Finding those two together is nearly impossible, I can’t make both groups happy, so I just keep quiet.  Politically I’m secretly a Libertarian, but morally I support the Constitution party, which are pretty much the same, except the Constitution party brings in Christian morals.  This would upset the liberal people.  I believe in homeschooling, more specifically, unschooling, and really dislike institutional learning.  I don’t like much of what modern society has to say about marriage, raising kids, education or life in general.  So, I think I’m just going to put some disclaimer on my side bar or something, and I guess this is also a warning, sorry if I offend you, it’s not intentional, but this is my blog.  If you think it’s against the Church, please call me on it, but otherwise, we will just have to have different opinions, and really, would life be interesting if we all had the same opinion about everything?

Me and myself haven’t ever really gotten along, or maybe we have, but they don’t really like each other.  Or, to be direct and blunt, I don’t really like myself, at all, much, if ever.  That has to change for anything really big to change.  I really don’t know where to begin with that.  We have no money so counselors or meds can’t be had, trust me, if I had the money I’d so be running for some Zoloft, well right now, actually probably like two months ago, but it’s just not there, it’s a reality that I can’t change.  So I have to find some way to deal with it just the way it is.  This has been my struggle the last several months, but never had I come out and said it, nor truly admitted it to myself, or anyone else. 

So, I am going to try to post more, and if it’s a whiny, miserable post, I’m going to make myself also find something good (like today’s earlier post about the kids).    

I think I may have gotten rid of enough negative emotions that I might be able to sleep without too much trouble, we shall see.

Ending, I’ll just ask for prayers, from those who pray, I could really use them.  Depression is not fun.  Not liking your self and feeling like a total failure at the most important job you have (being a mother) is not okay.  Yes, I realize the first leads to the second, but they are, at this point, separate at least in places.  Thank you, and I hope I haven’t scared too many away.