All over the place

Today has been an up and down day.  Started off not good, in a horrid mood and oh so tired.  Paul got up early and preceded to make it impossible for me to stay in bed after he had waited kindly for about an hour.  Still too early for me!  The day was redeemed with some yummy lunch and a quick trip to town for me (with Dolores, but oh so nice to get out of the house).  Plus talking over some of the things bugging me, like the impossible standards set by cps (not that they have ever come to us, just reading about it online, and it really upset me, knowing that there is NO way I could do that as par for course.  I could for a visit or a guest, but not every single day, so overwhelming).  So silly to worry about things you can’t even control and have no reason to worry. 

The other flip floppy part of the day was a few hours ago.  We have this cat that lives across the street, she’s an outdoor kitty that for some reason really likes us.  Sleeps on our outdoor chairs and steps and always comes when we are outside.  Tonight I hurt her, and she won’t come/stay when she sees us.  I was closing the van door, and didn’t see her, I don’t even know what part of her I closed in the door.  I feel horrible, and keep hoping she’ll be out there.  I know that’s silly too, but Paul LOVES this cat, like if we were needing a pet, we would be asking her people if we could make her our cat, we don’t NEED any pets (we have oh, oh, too many as it is!).  I just hope she’s not injured and comes back.  She is the only thing that got Paul past his not wanting to be outside, now he sits on the steps to eat his lunch with her!

reality

This is me, raw and mostly unedited (curse words are gone, yes, sorry, I do use some foul language, ask Paul, he’ll tell you, don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, but I could hold my own with most sailors).  Me being real and true.  I have to reclaim this space, it is after all, my blog!

Reality always hits when I want to sleep.  I am so tired of not sleeping.  I want to curl up with my babies and sleep.  I want to hear their little noises and be so hot I don’t need a blanket because they are cuddled up next to me, but I am here because laying in bed makes horrid things go through my head.  It’s not as bad as with PPD, where I would literally be scared to close my eyes for fear of the thoughts, but it’s not cool, at all.  So I am here tonight, typing my heart out.

I haven’t been posting to the blog for a while, not regularly anyway, because I don’t like being fake.  I don’t want to put on a happy face when I am falling apart inside my head.  My kids are wonderful, yes, Paul is hard to deal with like most 3 and a half year olds, and Dolores likes mommy to not sleep much, but they aren’t the troubles.  Mostly my children are wonderful.  They are little rays of sunshine.  I will never be told ‘your children behaved so well’, but people will love them because they are real and goofy, they just won’t want us to come over, which is fine, we’ll go home and I won’t have to hover!

When you are so deep into a hole it is so hard to see outside of it and see the good around you.  All you see is the misery.   Another reason for not posting is that I am afraid of offending someone, since I do have a very random (and totally polar opposite readers, AP, liberal, very conservative), I am all of these things in different parts of my life. 

I have tried so long to find a place I fit and I really don’t fit anywhere totally.  I’m AP and gentle parenting (in theory, in reality, I need major work on these things), but also Traditional Catholic.  Finding those two together is nearly impossible, I can’t make both groups happy, so I just keep quiet.  Politically I’m secretly a Libertarian, but morally I support the Constitution party, which are pretty much the same, except the Constitution party brings in Christian morals.  This would upset the liberal people.  I believe in homeschooling, more specifically, unschooling, and really dislike institutional learning.  I don’t like much of what modern society has to say about marriage, raising kids, education or life in general.  So, I think I’m just going to put some disclaimer on my side bar or something, and I guess this is also a warning, sorry if I offend you, it’s not intentional, but this is my blog.  If you think it’s against the Church, please call me on it, but otherwise, we will just have to have different opinions, and really, would life be interesting if we all had the same opinion about everything?

Me and myself haven’t ever really gotten along, or maybe we have, but they don’t really like each other.  Or, to be direct and blunt, I don’t really like myself, at all, much, if ever.  That has to change for anything really big to change.  I really don’t know where to begin with that.  We have no money so counselors or meds can’t be had, trust me, if I had the money I’d so be running for some Zoloft, well right now, actually probably like two months ago, but it’s just not there, it’s a reality that I can’t change.  So I have to find some way to deal with it just the way it is.  This has been my struggle the last several months, but never had I come out and said it, nor truly admitted it to myself, or anyone else. 

So, I am going to try to post more, and if it’s a whiny, miserable post, I’m going to make myself also find something good (like today’s earlier post about the kids).    

I think I may have gotten rid of enough negative emotions that I might be able to sleep without too much trouble, we shall see.

Ending, I’ll just ask for prayers, from those who pray, I could really use them.  Depression is not fun.  Not liking your self and feeling like a total failure at the most important job you have (being a mother) is not okay.  Yes, I realize the first leads to the second, but they are, at this point, separate at least in places.  Thank you, and I hope I haven’t scared too many away.

Was suppose to be my ‘reality’ post

So I was going to post a ‘reality’ post, you know all the stuff that people don’t talk about when trying to paint the rosy picture that happens usually with a blog.  But my reality right this moment is too cute to not share, and totally wipes out the negative of the day!

Paul has this little nerf type football that would be used to play finger football, it’s flat, but football shaped.  He is currently playing football with Dolores.  I tried to get a picture and a video but the camera is not working and my cell phone is full.  So instead of being super frustrated I’m posting here so I’ll remember later about this fun moment.

It is super cute!  Paul is throwing this ball/disc and she is chasing after it (crawling) while giggling up a storm.  She gets distracted and Paul picks her up and puts her back on the sheet (he has a sheet laid out that is their playing field I guess, or just the place he wants to play this game), throws the football, they both giggle like mad and then she crawls after it and he gets there first, she gets distracted, he gets her, repeat.  The laughter is incredible!   They are both having a blast!

Paulisms

My recent conversation with Paul, or rather, Paul’s monolog :)

This is all Paul talking, we were reading a story with farm animals.

I want to talk to Daddy about that, I want to tell him that.  I want two, I want a tractor and a cow.  I want to tell him I want a pig, a baby pig to put in that crate (pointing to the dog crate we have for the big dogs).  No, I want to get two baby pigs to put in Pepper’s crate (same crate, Pepper is in there right now).  I want to put them in the tub and put my fingers in there, maybe they will smell them, yes they will smell them.  I’m going to tell Daddy that when he wakes up.  I want you to call him (I don’t think Paul is always aware when Daddy is at work and when Daddy is sleeping, since he does sometimes work both nights and days).

So it was too cute, and I tried so hard to remember it all.

Three and a half, and 10 months

****First, today is Sept. 11th, a day that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.  So much now it seems as though people have forgotten, it is quite sad that people’s memories can be so short.  Many prayers for those who lost loved ones, as well as prayers for those who where lost.****

This is Paul and Dolores right now.  Well Paul’s a few days shy of 3.5 and Dolores a few days past, but close enough!

It has been so neat the last month watching their relationship grow.  Paul has gotten much more interactive with her, and also helpful and kind.  Yes sometimes he does still throw a toy at her, or other not nice things.  She just LOVES Paul, giggles and coos and ‘talks’ to him.  One of Paul’s favorite things to do is to make a pile of toys around her.  She enjoys the chance to explore lots of different toys and Paul likes making a mess with a purpose (at least I think he likes the purpose part, maybe it’s just the mess? :) ).

Paul has been having a lot of trouble with fears lately.  He has developed some new ones that really make life interesting.  Like being afraid of the noise from the planes (we live right in the path of the planes from Whiteman AFB, as in routinely we have planes fly between 100 and 300 feet over our house, routinely as in at least daily, unless it’s bad weather).  So this is a biggie.  He is also not liking to be left alone, whether it’s me going to the bathroom, or to play outside.  He won’t even play outside unless we are sitting right there with him, I can’t even go look at the chickens or some other part of the yard without him starting to freak.  Also, dark, and driving in the dark.  Which is getting to be a bigger issue since the days are getting shorter.  I don’t know if it’s totally normal, but I did find quite a bit online about kids this age and fears.  I hope that he soon works them out because it is challenging to say the least.

Dolores is a pretty delightful little girl.  Usually happy and wanting to play.  I am so grateful that my kids are both pretty happy kids.  Each day a little bit more of their little personalities shows through and they are just pretty neat people.  She is still crawling, and doing some standing on her own for short little bits, she gets around where she wants to go though.  Still doesn’t know what to think of food (we do baby led solids, no spoon feeding).  She likes to suck on crackers, and I think she sometimes ingests some, but mostly if she gets a piece in her mouth she just kind of looks at me like ‘what is that? and what do I do with it?’ then spits it out!  Paul didn’t eat until 11 months, so looking like Dolores will be around that age too.

Here are a few pictures from the last month, from my cell phone, so not the best, but the camera is MIA right now.

Paul holding one of the brand new chicks, a Dominique.

 

Here’s the whole bunch, we got them on Aug. 11.  Golden Lace Wyandotte, Silver Lace Wyandotte and Dominique's.

 

I came from doing laundry and Paul had put the umbrella up like this on Chip’s chair.  He was very proud of himself. 

This was just the other day at Lowe’s.  Paul loves the race car shopping carts and he insisted that Dolores sit with him, and he even buckled her in!  This was the best shot I was able to get.

Just tonight.  He wanted me to take a picture of him making this hole.  (there was already a hole there and we plan on turning that area in to a shelf or something, so it’s the place we let him get out his banging/hitting energy.  One day we’ll get around to actually removing it and putting in the shelf!)

Weekly check in

For the year long reading of the Bible and Catechism we are doing a weekly check in.  I was able to get all the reading done!  I have been surprised at how interesting the reading it.  I have been learning a lot!

Also, I started the Consecration this week, on Sept. 8th, and have kept up with it.  Today will be day four.

Motivating myself

So I have wanted to make (and finish!, finish being the key word here) my Consecration to Mary for about 6 years, and I am going to do that, I start on Sept. 8th.  I have a good friend who really helped me with getting to the point of feeling like I CAN do it, rather than thinking, like normal, that I’ll give it a try again.  I WILL be finishing it.  Also something else I have been wanting to do is read the whole bible, and another friend, Kristin, and she found a study guide if you want to call it that! that breaks down the scripture readings as well as the catechism readings, to be read in a year.  So far I have done the first three days.  I am excited about it still, so hopefully in a month I will still be on track.  I don’t know if I’ll post daily of getting it done, but I may, but also don’t want to bore those who have no desire to follow along!

I have been using the Douay Rheims online for the readings and the Vatican site for the catechism.  It has worked well, having one tab open for each reading.  I will continue this when adding in the Consecration, which will just be one more tab to have open :).  It has been interesting reading already.  I’m getting a lot more out of it than I ever did all the other times I tried to read the bible through.

So if anyone wants to join in, hop onboard!