Tuesday, July 17, 2007


So frustrated with this internet. I can NEVER get it to work. It’ll take me all night, seriously, all night to just get it to open one page. It’ll probably take me two days to send this message since that’s a series of about three pages (I’m writing it in word first). The internet is my only connection with other people. It is too hot to walk to the library. How sad does that make me? I just want to stupid internet to work, how much is that to ask, really, how much?? It’ll be months before we can afford our normal internet that works. I need people to talk to. Why does everything have to be such a huge struggle?? Can’t something ever just be easy?

It’s even more than just talking to people, I have people I need to respond to, and I can’t get to my email to do that. Important things like conversion and annulment stuff.

I think I am just going to give up. I’m tired of the fight. It’s obviously only important to me. I’m tired of pulling teeth. I’m done, I simply can not do it anymore. I’m also signing out of one of my most beloved groups. It has come to my attention that my presence there makes people uncomfortable, which I understand, but I can’t handle that anymore, so I’ll leave. Maybe someday I won’t be in such an irregular situation so I’ll be able to go back. I will miss them greatly.

That’s all for now.


Anonymous said...




Certainly God, who is so merciful, takes no pleasure in our afflictions, but in His love He sends us these necessary remedies to cure our infirmities. Thus suffering purifies the stains of sinful pleasures, and the privation of innocent gratifications expiates unlawful indulgence. He punishes us in this world, that He may reward us in the next; He treats us with merciful rigor here to save us from His wrath in eternity. Hence St. Jerome says that God's anger against sinners is never more terrible than when He seems to forget them during life. It was through fear of such a misfortune that St. Augustine prayed, "Here, O Lord, burn, here cut, that Thou mayst spare me in eternity."

Behold how carefully God guards you, that you may not abandon yourself to your evil inclinations. When a physician finds the condition of his patient hopeless he indulges him in all his caprices, but while there is any hope of recovery he rigidly restricts him to a certain diet and forbids him all that could aggravate his malady. In like manner, parents refuse their children the money they have accumulated only for them when they find they are squandering it in play and riotous living. Thus are we treated by God, the sovereign Physician and most loving Father of us all, when He sends us trials and privations.

Consider also the sufferings which Our Saviour endured from creatures. He was bruised, and buffeted, and spat upon. With what patience He bore the mockery of the multitude! With what resignation he drank the bitter draught of vinegar and gall! How willingly He embraced the death of the cross to deliver us from eternal death! How, then, can you, a vile worm of the earth, presume to complain of sufferings which you have justly merited by your sins – those sins for which the spotless Lamb of God was immolated? He would teach us by His example that unless we strive for the mastery legitimately – that is, courageously and perseveringly – we shall not be crowned. (Cf. 2Tim. 2:5).

Moreover, let me appeal to your self-interest. Will you not at least make a virtue out of necessity? You must suffer. You cannot escape it, for it is a law of your nature. Can you resist the almighty power of God when He is pleased to send you afflictions? Knowing these truths, and knowing that your sins deserve more than you can bear, why will you struggle against your trials? Why not bear them patiently, and thus atone for your sins and merit many graces? Is it not madness to try to escape them, and thereby lose the blessings they can give, receiving instead a weight of impatience and misery which only adds to the load you must carry? Stand prepared, then, for tribulations, for what can you expect from a corrupt world, from a frail flesh, from the envy of devils, and from the malice of men, but contradictions and persecutions?

Act, therefore, as a prudent man, and arm yourself against such attacks, proceeding with as much caution as if you were in an enemy's country, and you will thus gain two important advantages: First, the trials against which you are forearmed will be easier to bear, for "a blow which we have anticipated," says Seneca, "falls less heavily." And this agrees with the counsel of Wisdom: "Before sickness take a medicine." (Ecclus. 18:20).

Secondly, by anticipating in a spirit of resignation the afflictions which God may send you, you offer a sacrifice like that of Abraham, about to immolate his son. Nothing, in fact, is more pleasing to God, nothing is more meritorious for us, than the resignation with which we prepare ourselves to accept all the trials that may come upon us, either from the hand of God or the wickedness of men. Though these sufferings may never reach us, yet our good intention will be rewarded in the same way as if we had borne them. Thus was Abraham rewarded as if he had really sacrificed his son, because he was ready to do so in obedience to God.

Be not afraid, therefore, of tribulations, for unto these are you called. (Cf. IPet. 3:9,14). Remember that you are as a rock in the midst of the ocean. The winds and waves of the world will beat against you, but you remain unshaken. To do good and to suffer are, according to St. Bernard, the duties of the Christian life. The latter is the more difficult. Prepare yourself, then, to fulfill it with courage.

bethalice said...

Julie, I hope you do not mean MK! Because I have not seen anything remotely close to what you wrote. you are not the only one struggling with "irregularities".

LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Julie said...

Thank you anonymous for posting that. I'm going to bookmark that to read when ever I'm feeling like that! It makes perfect sense and is totally logical to me.
Beth, I had meant MK, but because of computer issues I was unable to actually do it, and have just gotten on after about 3 days. So for now, I am there still.


Anonymous said...

Perhaps it's not your situation that bothers people, it's your attitude about it - you are "making efforts" to change but those efforts take months and can only be fulfilled with certain conditions defined by you (not required by the church). Makes it kind of hard to "regularize" yourself.

Did you actually receive e-mail that said someone was being made uncomfortable or was that offlist?

I sincerely hope you are able to find an acceptable Mass to attend on a regular basis.

Julie said...

I see your point completely. A lot of my situation is at this point in others hands. (annulement that is). As for Mass, once I learn to drive the car (I'm terrified of that thing - we live in a hilly town and I know I'm just going to end up stuck and not able to get the thing to acutally move). But the plan is to learn this weekend, course I have no confidence that I'll actually be able to get out of the town! All the stops on the way out (3) the car is pointing uphill, very, very bad for a new stick shift driver. Anyhow, hopefully I'll have it mastered and be able to just drive myself. I'll go to mass anywhere really because I KNOW I have to go (at this point I have come to this point, it is MY responsiblily to get Paul to mass and by not taking him I'm putting myself in an even worse place). Chip really has a hard time going anywhere that doesn't have a more reverent congreation. But we have come to a good compromise as of now.

Anyway, I agree with you, it is my attitude. An no, it wasn't someone outright saying it, but just the vibe I got and I hate making people feel uncomfortable by my presence.

I know that was probably just a rambling mess. I'm super tired and Paul won't stop crying.

Petrus said...

Anyway, I agree with you, it is my attitude. An no, it wasn't someone outright saying it, but just the vibe I got and I hate making people feel uncomfortable by my presence.


I've noticed this pattern. You point out a difficulty, and someone shows you that maybe there IS something that you can do about it, and you say, 'yup, its my fault, I know it'. And its over.
While it seems virtuous to let other people point out what may be your 'faults' - it seems just passive and 'giving up'. And that's not helpful.

I think you need to take a really long look at your life, where it is NOT where its going or where its been. Just take a look at your situation in regards to your baby, your 'husband', your faith and other things, and its only then that you can change your attitude, actions, etc.

Take one thing a day that you want to work on, and maybe work on it for a few days. Don't get bogged down on one thing. Maybe you want to start with getting the dishes done right away after a meal, or doing the laundry first thing, or something like that.

In regards to the annulment, I assume that you've talked to a priest and he'd told you what manner you're supposed to be living your life as a Catholic who got herself into a bad situation. The Church never abandons her children, and has guidelines for everything. So, as long as you've talked to a priest who has told you how to live your life while in this situation, then you have nothing to worry about. You just have every trial to offer up.

If you're not living in the manner that the priest described, then change it. You think it might be impossible, but everything is possible with God.

I'll pray for you.