Faith

Faith is precious, it saves a person in so many ways. Several years ago I made a very conscience choice to lose mine for whatever stupid reason (I still do not KNOW the reason I chose to do that), I think I felt I needed the challenge or a break. Or maybe it was just a very low point in my life and I didn't feel like fighting my parents to be Catholic (I was living at home). Anyhow, I want it back. I try, but it seems like I can't do it. My non-Catholic-yet husband has more faith than I do. Where did it go?

I am bringing this up because I have been feeling very, very downtrodden lately and very much like I'm cursed. Nothing goes right, ever. We are SO poor I fear writing about it because people do stupid things like report poor people to DCFS for being poor. Anyhow, I'm really tired of feeling that way, I hate reading others blogs, posts, stories about the lives they lead that I want. Jealousy is NOT productive, especially to a person like me who is very prone to feeling down. So I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm putting this here as a very real and visual reminder to NOT feel like that. Others don't control me - well besides God. Who freaking cares if my parents think I'm a total failure? I simply can NOT let that run my life. I don't WANT their life. I want a simple, natural, CATHOLIC life. I don't need fancy things like a coffee maker. I need to overcome what was imparted on me during my upbringing and focus on what is really important.

So, I really don't know how I'm going to go about this, not a clue. Obviously, I need more prayer, much more prayer in my life. And of course the continued living in a Catholic way with Chip while we wait hopefully for annulment news. But the big one is how to get over feeling like a failure. That I don't know how to do, not at all. Someone help me with that please. How do you get to the point that you don't care what others think (really don't care, not just saying you don't care).

Recently we realized that we let others poke at our choices for life without saying one thing back. We can't decide if this is a good thing or not. I'm kind of tired of sitting there while people say that how I'm raising my son is bad or wrong or somehow 'not normal'. I DO NOT WANT to be normal.

I think the real thing is that I'm tired of being a doormat with all those around me (I am not one at home, just with everyone else). I need to figure out how to not be like that. Strong people tell me how you do it please, seriously. Anyhow, I am going to try to figure this out and any input you all have is helpful. Thank you,

Julie