hard work

I have been working very hard to be positive with Paul and patient too! As well as see the small joys in our days. Over all, I'm doing well (I think, I know I have noticed a difference in my attitude and also my bonding with Paul, more in a bit on that). It has been a very hard week though. Just so much going wrong. Today was not a good day. I lost it. Just so much. I'm tired of winter, just go away already, I want spring, I want warm, I want the sun, I NEED the sun. Why is it still so, so, so cold. This is NOT normal. We also live in *the windiest place in the world* there is always a gail force wind whipping by. I just want it to stop. I don't want to sit here INSIDE and feel the wind. I don't want to feel my HOUSE move when the wind blows. I want Spring!!!!!!!!

This has been such a hard winter, I'm just done. Anyhow, it was just the icing on the cake for today. My wonderful baby is going through some phase that makes hims super clingy and he simple has to be hanging onto me at all times. I think I noticed it so much more today because I was just in an off mood.

Okay, enough of why the day sucked, on to why it was good.

All this hard work had been evident to me a lot lately, and I now have the chance to write about it. As you know, I consider myself an AP parent. I try to be respectful of Paul, since he is a human with his own feelings and needs and not just some blog called baby to be treated like an object. I feel like I missed his infanthood because of the post partum depression, I just wasn't present until he was around 5 months old, that's what I mostly remember of him. I never really bonded with him until then, and really until recently. The only thing I had with him was breastfeeding, which truly was a life saver in those early days. It saved me in so many ways.

Recently I have felt totally detached from him. Like I wasn't taking to time to really *get* him or meet his needs. That is part of why I started the joy thing. I don't want to miss more than I feel I already have, they are only little for such a short time. But over the last few weeks I have been really trying to respond to him in the way he needs (well except tonight) and it made a HUGE difference. I can't believe it. I feel very in tune with him and also feel better able to handle his needs and demands. It's pretty neat too me that such a simple (on the outside) change in attitude and thought could have such an impact.

So that is my joy for today, seeing the fruits of some pretty hard work. Of course I know all the complaining at the beginning of this totally negates all that, but nevertheless, it is an amazing step forward for me. So thanks to all those who still read and ask about the joy series. I just need to get here to post it. I always have one, but just don't get here as much as I should, and then by time I do, it's been a week and it's too 'big' for me to think small enough to come up with one.

Off to fix the spelling and go to sleep (one thing I miss about IE is my Ispell, doesn't work with firefox ).

Julie

Joy and Paul updates

First Paul. He's been walking so much more! Every day he crawls less and walks more! I need to get a new video of him walking with more confidence like he does now. There was something else I had wanted to post about him, but I can't remember what it is.

I'm not sure about joy right now, it's been a very rough week so let me think a bit and ramble on! Losing 4 grand can do that to people!

Oh, I know what great thing happened this week, we finally have a phone! I'm very excited about that. Before we had this cheapy prepaid that was horrid and cost a fortune. We got the internet phone, Vonage, and so far, so good. It's a flat rate for unlimited local and long distance, which is good because out here everything is long distance. I think this may have been my joy last week when we bought it, it's here now! I'll try to come up with something better later on. Again, it's been a pretty bummer of a week. Back to the small picture though!

Julie - who needs to cut her nails so she can type fast again! To think I used to do with with nails twice this long, how I don't know!

time

Today I was on a new forum of local AP parents. One of the ladies picture is of a baby hand and an elderly hand. I balled at this. We so wanted a picture of Paul and his grandfather and we never got one. I don' t know that I'll even have that guilt go away. And to think, our phone came just a month and a half to late, just adds more to it. Just so sad for Paul that he'll never meet them, and of course for Chip, that both of his parents are no longer here. It's overwhelming for me to think about it, let alone to think what it must be for him.

Julie

today

I'm trying very hard to not be pessimist today and to find something that is joyful. We had a huge blow today that is just going to really not help us and we have to wait 2 weeks to find out what caused it. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but in the immediate future things are going to be extra hard.

So prayers and good thoughts for us please.

Okay, I think my joy for today is getting to hang out at home with my family. We don't do this a lot, normally keep ourselves busy outside of the house. Also, watching Paul walking, it's just amazing to see him learn and grow. Oh, here is a video of him walking.

Paul movies

Here are two movies of Paul from tonight. In the first, I was trying to get him to walk, no luck. :) The second is just him playing. Our camera doesn't record sound, so you have to pretend you here him giggling :)
Julie

progress

Hi! Sorry to be gone a week. I don't get on much when Chip is off work. We tend to be busy. Lets see, what's new, not much! We have made some progress on the trailer and today I got it very organized/neat. We put of the new gate/fence system for Paul (cinder blocks and landscape timbers - it's not pretty, but it works amazingly well, and it's movable!)

Chip's been doing well with his eating/sugars. We found something that seems like it'll really work with what we want to be doing food wise, called Traditional Foods. It's what we have basically been doing, but didn't know it.

Paul has shown some small interest in food, so even more important to only have wholesome food (no extra anything, just food as it's grown, no chemicals or stuff like that). He's also getting more brave with walking, taking a few steps at a time. I actually have a few videos to share of me trying to get him to walk, but of course he didn't! I have the camera all set in case he does again.

Okay, now for the joy of the week I guess. That's a hard one, there have been many good moments. Mostly I think it's an overall more positive outlook on things. For today's I'd have to say that is was me getting so much done at home. It's nice to have a neat/organized house, and Paul slept for at least 2 hours, which is amazing for him with me not sleeping next to him!

Julie

tuesday joy

So far I am liking this finding joy thing, it really does make a difference. I hope I can keep it up! Today was just a nice day over all. Paul is getting back to his normal self and he took a nap today, yay! not a long one, but still. Resolved a few things too, which is always a nice feeling. Now I just have to do my lenten reading (have a book and then a prayer book I'm using as well as reading a chapter or two of the bible a day, from the beginning. Oh, and a biggie, my back is feeling so much better! I can stand up most of the time so that's a huge plus. Hopefully it's not just a fluke and will continue to get better.

Julie

Kittens

I don't think I have mentioned it yet, but we have kittens. Four boys. They were born on Feb. 5th. One is mostly white with a couple gray spots on his head and tail. We have an all gray one, though it looks like this one might have a little white on it's left ear. I'm not sure of the color of one of them, looks white, but also gray, time will tell. The last one is like the others, gray and white tuxedo cat. When they get a little bigger I'll get some better pictures. I have a few posted on photobucket, as well as a few newer pics of Paul.

http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/

Julie

Monday joy

forgot this last night, or rather, it's still monday for me, yay!

Today I got to eat, that was very nice, doesn't happen often. I had ravioli, it was very good.

In other news, I am up at this crazy hour because Chip came home and decided to stay up watching stuff on the computer, Paul loves this so woke up and got all excited because Daddy was home, so here I am, up waiting for Paul to get tired again, and of course, Chip is asleep. Guess I'm at least getting caught up on my blog! Wish we had something breakfast like to snack on though!

Julie

thieves

I'm so tired of people taking things! First our old landlord taking our stuff and just now I found out some people are stealing posts from MDC (Mothering) and posting them on their board. Lovely. Why do people steal?

Julie

joy

on one of my fav groups (naturababes) there was a post about enjoying this time in our lives (child). It was very profound and I wish I could post it because I am not doing it justice. It really struck me because I am either too tied up in the mundane or in the big picture to see the small joys that I experince daily. So I think I'm going to start posting something short each day about something I found joy in regarding my place in life (being a mom/wife).

I think an ongoing one is Paul's smile, he smiles with his whole face. He always has one too and loves to look over at me while doing whatever he is doing and flash a huge grin. He has also discovered crawling on his knees. I kind of miss his 'paul crawl' on his toes.

Julie

day in the life

It's cold, why can it not be spring all year? Spring is happy and beautiful. I like Spring! Winter is cold, way, way cold. We are so done with winter, and it's not been a bad winter. I think it's our living situation that makes it worse (no heat in the back - so potty in the freezing cold, yay, fun! wanna come over???) and no insulation, plus the car that runs right now doesn't really have good heat. Anyhow, not to be complaining, can't wait for warm days.

Paul has decided that sleeping alone is not for him, ma ma has to be with him. It's nice to take a nap, but sometimes I want to do something, like eat dinner. So I'm currently waiting for said child to sleep so I can eat. I'm guessing I'm not eating!

I can't wait for a normal house! Shortly at least we'll have to whole place! Can't wait. We decided that we are going to go ahead and put new siding on since we can't find all the holes and fix all the leaks (this place was not designed to be water proof aparently).

Paul is playing in the crumbs that the dog made while eating my burnt pizza (cooking on a woodstove is all about timing and mine was off).

Oh, on a kind of cool note, I found someone local who also uses cloth diapers, I'm very excited. Just have to try to figure a way to meet up that doesn't involve her coming here, it's just not a place I'd like people to see yet (no walls and a cold toilet). But I'm still excited and suddenly don't feel as alone as before in our choices.

Off to go mess with the fire, cold nights go away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie

2 weeks

I think it's been about 2 weeks since I last posted. I don't know if anyone is even still reading lately though, let me know (post a comment) if you are. I miss knowing I have a small, small audiance! Okay, plea over!

It has been a busy few weeks for us. Chip found out he has diabietes, it's mild, but we are being proactive to maintain his health. Shortly after finding that out we all got sick with the flu, that was fun! So glad it's over.

Paul has been playing around with walking, but no real desire to leave the crawling though, that seems to work for him :).

I don't know what else is new? Just same old same old! Can't wait for winter to be over!

Julie