Tuesday, February 26, 2008

hard work

I have been working very hard to be positive with Paul and patient too! As well as see the small joys in our days. Over all, I'm doing well (I think, I know I have noticed a difference in my attitude and also my bonding with Paul, more in a bit on that). It has been a very hard week though. Just so much going wrong. Today was not a good day. I lost it. Just so much. I'm tired of winter, just go away already, I want spring, I want warm, I want the sun, I NEED the sun. Why is it still so, so, so cold. This is NOT normal. We also live in *the windiest place in the world* there is always a gail force wind whipping by. I just want it to stop. I don't want to sit here INSIDE and feel the wind. I don't want to feel my HOUSE move when the wind blows. I want Spring!!!!!!!!

This has been such a hard winter, I'm just done. Anyhow, it was just the icing on the cake for today. My wonderful baby is going through some phase that makes hims super clingy and he simple has to be hanging onto me at all times. I think I noticed it so much more today because I was just in an off mood.

Okay, enough of why the day sucked, on to why it was good.

All this hard work had been evident to me a lot lately, and I now have the chance to write about it. As you know, I consider myself an AP parent. I try to be respectful of Paul, since he is a human with his own feelings and needs and not just some blog called baby to be treated like an object. I feel like I missed his infanthood because of the post partum depression, I just wasn't present until he was around 5 months old, that's what I mostly remember of him. I never really bonded with him until then, and really until recently. The only thing I had with him was breastfeeding, which truly was a life saver in those early days. It saved me in so many ways.

Recently I have felt totally detached from him. Like I wasn't taking to time to really *get* him or meet his needs. That is part of why I started the joy thing. I don't want to miss more than I feel I already have, they are only little for such a short time. But over the last few weeks I have been really trying to respond to him in the way he needs (well except tonight) and it made a HUGE difference. I can't believe it. I feel very in tune with him and also feel better able to handle his needs and demands. It's pretty neat too me that such a simple (on the outside) change in attitude and thought could have such an impact.

So that is my joy for today, seeing the fruits of some pretty hard work. Of course I know all the complaining at the beginning of this totally negates all that, but nevertheless, it is an amazing step forward for me. So thanks to all those who still read and ask about the joy series. I just need to get here to post it. I always have one, but just don't get here as much as I should, and then by time I do, it's been a week and it's too 'big' for me to think small enough to come up with one.

Off to fix the spelling and go to sleep (one thing I miss about IE is my Ispell, doesn't work with firefox ).


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