Friday, December 05, 2008

random late night thoughts

I haven't been doing well lately. Don't know what it is, and I think I give up trying to figure it out. I just need to deal with it and get on. The only part that is hard, is that if feels very much like the post partum depression, some of the same feelings and emotions and thoughts. I just don't like myself, at all. And all my issues are me, and things I did and chose to do. I think I try to spend way to much time 'fixing' those things. I really don't think I can fix them. I think I just have to start over and begin again. More prayer, and over the last months I have realized how much it does help to actually take time for prayer, and finding a way to not be so hard on myself, is that even possible? I mean, I seriously hate me, bluntly honest, hate me. I despise how I treat those I love, and how I CHOOSE to me so miserable. I'm afriad to be happy. Who the hell is afraid to be happy? How does that even happen?

Anyway, no point really. Just wanting to write it out, hoping I'd see a way to start fresh. It's not coming to me, but hopefully I'll wake up with a way to start anew and not hate me. I am very excited at the thought, but scared to death, as it is all I have known.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've been in your shoes! Now, every time, and I mean EVERY TIME, one of those "I hate me" kind of thoughts come to your mind, you say to yourself, "NO! I am blessed!" Then pray "Jesus, Mary help me." And Smile the biggest smile you can come up with.