Wow, late night thoughts can be so awakening!

The other day in the post 'rough' I mentioned having a hard time with things I didn't really want to mention. This deals with that.

The other day Chip was saying that it seems something has been up with me, and I thought it was just the recent stuff, but tonight I realized when that change started to occur. It was about a year ago. I don't really have a lot of local friends, I think I have like three, at best. The rest live far away, and some are only people who I know online, but consider friends, I won't get into how pathetic that makes me! :). Most of these people are people who have some characteristic that draws me to them, or that I seek to find in myself. Whether it is regarding faith, child raising, or just life in general. The most positive thing that I NEED is the gentle discipline, and AP parenting people. I do pretty okay in regards to faith by myself, and even politics, but my nature is not gentle, and that is why it is helpful to have gentle people to help calm my very temper prone, loud, brisk, standoffish self.

Anyhow. So a year ago we had to shut our internet off. Which also shut me off from those people. I had no one to balance me out, no people to talk to daily about parenting struggles, no role models of gentle, peaceful being. So that is my wow moment that got me out of my nice cozy bed with my little ones to come here and type. Realizing that there WAS something that changed in me, and also what was behind it. Sadly I don't talk to most of them anymore (not by choice, it just is how it is), but I have found a local friend who also parents like us, so hopefully that'll help. I just do so well when I have people to be accountable too, even if it's only in my head that I'm accountable to them. I thrive having role models!

I love pinpointing something in me that has been bugging me, so freeing. So tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I can reclaim the gentleness that I used to have and find patience, all on my own! That is a rather large statement for me.