thoughts on faith

It's been awhile since posting about my journey back. I guess it's more about getting my ducks in a row, as my heart is already here.

I have been struggling lately because of many things. My car died, which took away my sense of freedom. I have completely misplaced my prayer life. I think some of that is due to a new baby and that huge adjustment, as well as the postpartum depression, that really sucks the life out of you. Also having a hard time accepting how long it's going to be before we can have a sacramental marriage, that one is hard because I know some of the struggles we have now would be helped by the graces you have in a sacramental marriage, they might not go away, but we'd have the tools to handle them better.

There are also things like not having money to drive to KC for the TLM. Going here is like going to a protestant church (attitude and feel). Chip can't stand it because it's like everything he experienced as a kid, things that made him not like religion. I feel guilty that this will be our sons first impression of our faith.

Anyhow, I have decided to do a few things to make some of these better. First is more prayer, and sticking to it. It'll give us some routine to our day as well. I just need to find something to help keep me on track, or a person, like a prayer buddy. :) I also want to start a spiritual reading, or some to learn more about the faith. Suggestions please!

So that's where I am. Also, any suggestions for reading on being a Catholic mother?

Julie

a first!

We are clean! I took the plunge and tried a shower without some one to hold Paul until time for him to join me. It worked well. It's nice to know that I can shower when I want! Such a nice feeling. :)

crunchy

I knew I was a tad hippyish, but apparently I'm moreso than what I thought! I found this quiz http://www.naturalmotheringutah.org/granolafactorquiz.htm

and scored a "Super Nutty, Ultra-Crunchy Granola Earth Mama". Makes me feel good though, oddly.

In other news, my dad measured Paul today and he's 22 inches! 2 inches in 6 weeks, he's getting so big!. I had a nice visit with my parents today too, they really are the doting grandparents.

Julie

is there even a point??

To cleaning that is, when living with 6 cats, a dog and 2 people? I am beginning to think there is no reason to clean. As soon as the mess is gone, in comes the next tornado! I need a mess fairy! :)

6 weeks

Paul is 6 weeks old. I can't believe that it's been 6 weeks! It has gone by so fast. I miss him when he's sleeping (on the rare occasion I put him in the bedroom instead of holding him). I can't imagine having to go back to work and leaving him. I'd be miserable. So glad I am going to be able to stay home. Glad I has a husband who's goal is for me to be home too, even if it means having to live a frugal life.

I definitely love Paul, very much. There was a time when I wondered if I would, I think a lot of that was the PPD though. Babies really are blessing from God, and I feel truly blessed to have him. I do wish we had the money to drive up to the TLM for mass, hate him not having that at this very impressionable age. But things are looking brighter on that front.

Go hug your blessing from God! :)

Julie

A little bit of everything

Paul seems to have grown overnight. He is so big! I tried to use this really old digital camera I found, but it didn't work. I was hoping to have pictures to share.

My car died, been kind of house bound, kind of bored too. Hopefully soon I'll learn how to drive our other car, it'll be nice to just go as I please then.

I had a few profound things to share, but I have forgotten them! :)

Julie

post partum depression

I should really rename my blog 'stumbling through PPD'. That's what I'm doing, stumbling horribly. Today is a bad day, bad, bad day. Probably worse than the last one. This thing is awful, it steals away the joy you have and want to have in this wonderful blessing that is your child. It makes you want to run away. You desire nothing but for your baby to just sleep. All the while you are feeling horribly guilty because you know you shouldn't be feeling those things. It makes me feel like a bad mom, a really bad mom.

I want to crawl in a hole. I can't even go visit Chip because my car died, the only little thing that got me through a lot of days. I'm stuck in this 500 sq. ft. house forever.

I can not wait for this post partum hell to go away. When will that happen??

Julie

I make milk, what's your superpower??

I don't know why I love that quote, but I do. I want it on a bumper sticker, but we can't find it online anywhere. I love nursing, it's great. Knowing that I'm providing all my little one needs is kind of empowering. I like things that make me feel like a woman. So many times in today's world it is easy to lose site of one's femininity. It is one of the reasons I love wearing skirts. I kind of miss the days when I was only wearing skirts. I need to get back to that. Stopped for some kind of silly reasons, like not getting a chance to shave my legs often. And the cats like to 'play', meaning the jump and attack the skirt (me as well), with the skirt as I walk (I wear long skirts).

Anyhow, back to the point of the post. I truly love breastfeeding. I think I'd be much more down and not making as much positive progress if it weren't for the bond I feel with Paul through feeding him. I am so lucky that I am not going to have to work so that we can keep this complete bond. (yes I know you can still breastfeed while working, I just know for me it would get harder, and I can be lazy, so I think I'd end up stopping in the long run) When I'm getting kind of frustrated with the details of being a mom, stopping to nurse him really just helps me realize what I'm doing, makes me realize it's not about me and dusting the shelves!

So I hope more women get the chance to experience this. There is so much misinformation out there about breastfeeding, I just hope somehow the right information starts to be handed out more often. I think the lactivist movement just won itself a new supporter! :)

Off to go cuddle with Paul before he wakes, he had a hard day today.

Julie

one month

Today he is one month old. Boy did that month go fast. It seems as though he has always been here. He has grown so much! He's up to 12 pounds and 22 inches long.

We got to have dinner at my parents today as well. Was nice to catch up with my sister and see my nephew. The boys are becoming more aware of each other, which is neat to watch.

So a good day overall. Happy one month Paul!

Julie

strange weather???

It is pouring snow, huge, huge flakes, they actually make a splash when they land, the cats are hissing at them, huge! It is also lightening. Those two things just don't go together. I guess that is Missouri for you. Maybe since it's SPRING (why is it snowing anyway?????????????), the weather decided that thunder just had to come along too.

Julie

Shower

First, I'll say that today has been so much better. I was so scared when I woke up this morning that today would be a repeat of yesterday, but it wasn't at all. I hope to never have those feelings again, they were pretty scary!

I got to shower today! Which if you have never had a newborn you might not understand my utter joy at getting to shower. It was nice! Made my day. That's the only bad thing about Chip's long work days, makes it hard for me to get a shower and I'm not keen on taking one at 3 in the morning when he gets home!

Julie

Bad Day

today has been a bad day. I guess those will still happen. I just feel like I have failed everything thing, wife, mother, housewife. I realized after I sent out a huge mass email about Paul and only heard from two people, that I have totally isolated myself. Which sucks, cause I'm pretty isolated in real life too. Which is fine normally, I don't mind going out and doing things alone.

I just can't seem to do anything right at all. Can't make anyone happy. Hell I can't even keep my house livable. Today bites.

peeved

This article is about the book "The Feminine Mistake". The author says that women can't afford to not work. She assumes all husbands will leave their families and totally ignores how important it is for children to have their moms home and raising them. It's people like this that just further the stigma that has as of late been attached to staying home with your children.

http://www.parade.com/articles/editions/2007/edition_04-08-2007/Intelligence_Report

Turning point

So a week ago my midwife put me on medicine for post partum depression. I was somewhat uneasy with the idea because I didn't feel depressed or off. Chip and I talked about it and he said he saw it and that I wasn't myself.

I was looking at pictures of a friend who just had a baby and seeing that joy on her face made me realize that I haven't been right since birth, i never had that joy. I took care of my son and did the things a mom needs/has to do, but it was without feeling or emotion.

The last few days have been so much better, that joy and wonder of a new child, a blessing, is there. The love and protective nature of a mom is there, it's great! I am definitely enjoying it.

vaccines

they scare me, a lot, like really, really a lot. I actually want to crawl in a hole so that I don't have to deal with anyone (like doctors) telling me how good they are. I actually think this will keep me awake tonight. At least I got some more research done though, that's good. Lets hope I don't have nightmares about this!

Julie

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The cats are driving me insane. Boy I miss kitty naptime!

Getting the hang of it

I'm starting to not feel totally behind and out of it. It's nice to not feel totally inept at being a wife and mother. Paul and I are getting a little rhythm going and I'm getting used to doing everything with one hand! I am completely amazed at how he grows and changes everyday, it sure does happen fast!

Julie

more pictures

If you check back, there are more pics added. there's also some of our pets, if you want to see them.Julie

Paul
http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/Paul/

Pets
http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/Pets/

being a mom

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. The transition to mother was super easy. I mean, it is frustrating at times and very hard also at times, but it's natural. There was no extra effort involved in 'learning' to do what I needed to do to care for Paul, it just came. I think I was thinking it would be more like becoming a wife, there was a lot more learning involved with that. Not so much instinct. I've been amazed at how instinctive being a mom is. If I let go of my control issues ( like needing the house spotless - need to give up on that one!), my care for him comes totally from some place that I can't even describe.

I will say that right now I feel like the stereotypical stay at home mom. Haven't showered in days, didn't get dressed, messy hair. I swear I will get a shower someday, I know it'll happen! Even if I have to take a walk in the rain! Of course, had I known he'd sleep this long, I sure would have taken the chance tonight.

Okay, back to the baby.

Julie

Paul

I haven't sent a real post about him yet. He's adorable of course, coming from Mom. He's a good eater! I think he looks like both of us, though the general trend is about 50% both ways in regards to others opinion. He's not super fussy, only cries when he needs something. I can't wait to get to post more pictures. I know we have some super cute ones of him on the film waiting to be developed. Maybe I'll get that done tomorrow, give me something to do and really look forward too :), plus then I can put up more pictures.

I'm doing okay too, still have a ways to go on the recovery front though. Can't bend much or lift much at all. Most of my strength must have been in my abs because I'm sure weak lately! I sure hope I don't have to have the c-section next time. The recovery is so hard, I can't imagine it with a new baby and a toddler! Can't wait for the annulment to be done so we can have those other babies! :)

I will say that it can be a little frustrating, but I think that's more due to getting used to a new normal. There is also some tiredness and also some loneliness that add to the frustration. But mostly I enjoy watching him.

Paul is here

Sorry it's taken me so long to get a post here. He was born on March 14th at 4:21 am, weighting 8 lbs. 8 ounces and 20 inches long.

Here are links to so pictures of him.
Pics my parents took
http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/Paul/

baby pictures from hospital
http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=1W4N6P8T2X

Julie