Monday, March 15, 2010


It has been kind of a rough week for me.  Something about Paul’s birthday.  It brought me back to his birth.  I haven’t even written a birth story for him, I can’t, and definietly couldn’t at the time.  For those of you who aren’t into birth, you might not get this.  I really thought that the wonderful, healing, powerful birth of Dolores that it wouldn’t matter to me anymore about Paul’s birth, but if anything, it matters more.  I feel so betrayed.  I feel like I lost something with him that I can and never will get back.  Some so special was stolen from me.   Yes, in the long run, birth is such a small, small part of a babe’s life, and the fact that he is healthy and wonderful little boy that he is should be enough.  Maybe it’s just to close to my heart I don’t know.

On the other side of this coin, you have Dolores, who is really blossoming!  (more on that later)  But I have so much guilt with her.  I think she cries too much because of me.  Because I have to finish something and she wakes up or needs to eat or just doesn’t want to sit on the couch alone.  I am so afraid of ruining her.  This stems from things that I can’t get onto here because I don’t know who reads.  Just a lot of guilt!

Now for Dolores’ blossoming.  She has starting talking up a storm, just babbling to herself for long periods of time.  Last week she didn’t want anything to do with being on her tummy, and now she will lay there for a long time, with her head up (like she’s on her elbows) and watch whatever is going on.  Grabbing around at things,  not really playing with them yet, just watching them and kind of realizing that yes her hands can and do hold things.

Paul has been getting so grown up.  I don’t know if it’s just the hair cut or what.  He’s no longer a baby or even a toddler.  I hate to call him a preschooler because, well he doesn’t/won’t go to preschool, but I guess that’s what they call this age.  He is talking/using so many words.  He can tell stories and he’s even using his imagination some, which I think is totally awesome!  Showing a real interest in the letters.  It’s just amazing to watch him learn, watch him figure out a problem and put things together.

Here’s a few of my favorite pictures of late.


Paul after his haircut (can you believe he finally let us cut his hair?  He let daddy do it :) ).



See how big those chickens have gotten?  I am so very much struggling with the fact that we will be eating them at some point.   I knew we’d be eating the Cornish Crosses, but, the others, I had this image in my head of this nice little flock of birds to follow us around for years to come, but after doing some reading, it seems that their productive years (for eggs) is very short, and we can’t just keep them as pets!  I guess we’ll be doing the chick thing more often than I thought, which is fine, they are cute! :)



Look at that cuteness!  A week ago I was all worried because she wouldn’t even hold her shoulders up or sit on her elbows, and now, just look at her :).  She’s been sitting like that right next to me for about 15 minutes watching Paul play with his trains while I type this. :)


ilse said...

oh sweetest Julie.... i feel for you! i can relate to some things... and i can definitely relate to the guilt. the following has helped lots if i may suggest... imagine you could have a talk with your guilt, what would you tell it? go ahead, tell it, then set Guilt aside and go ahead and tell it you have to live for now and not regret. you can learn and learn to forgive yourself, life, the situation, anything, tell it you see it there sitting pretty, but for now you gotta take care of a few other things... maybe it sounds crazy, but i feel you and paul deserve the try!!! many hugs!

Julie said...

Ilse, I like that suggestion. I think I'll let it run through my head as I sleep and see what I come up with. I can totally see how that would work, I like the logic of it! Thank you for sharing.