Walking

Dolores trying out her walking skills :)

Dolores is ONE!

Okay, it was on the 6th, but it took me awhile to get the pictures all downloaded. :)  We had a little family thing at the state park here. 

I can’t believe she is one!  It has gone so fast.  As for stats for her, she’s crawling, all over the place, and has taken a few random steps, but not anything regular.  LOVES our teeth and hates having socks on her feet!  She has decided that she’s too busy during the day to stop and nurse, so is nursing mostly all night long, makes for a tired mom, very tired.  I think I am more tired than when she was new :).  Today I am trying to just make her pause and sit with me to nurse, even if for a little bit, maybe after a few days of this she’ll go back to nursing mostly during the day and sleeping at night like she used to!  Dolores loves to do whatever her brother is doing, he’s not so keen on that all the time.

Here are some pictures from her birthday.  I especially love the perplexed look on her face when she first is touching the cupcake trying to figure it out. :)

Finger painting

Today Paul found the finger paints so we tried them out.  Paul had a blast, Dolores did not at all like them.  Screamed!  I tried to get handprints of both of them, but she was not happy about it.  I think I did get enough of one.  Have a few pictures to share from the painting and also from the last few days.

Paul’s tower of blocks.  He was so, so proud!  He got the people on there and asked me to take a picture.

 

Paul wanted me to take his picture after taking them of the tower.  

Dolores tonight, almost one year old!  Just 7 days, I can’t believe it.  I finally found a way to get rid of red eye! 

 

Her smiling!  Yes, she’s holding an empty can of daddy’s special camo beer! :)

Coming after the camera, but so cute!

 

Paul wanted in on the picture taking, with his own empty can, they love those things!

 

Below is the pictures of the paintings that Paul did.  The first one is Paul in the green and Dolores in the red/orange, her feet in the middle.  She was so not happy about this!  I didn’t push it more to get good prints.  I would have taken some of Paul after painting, but he took his clothes, so no way to edit that!

Trying to make the best

We have been sick for like 2 weeks.  I just finally started to feel better and the kids got mostly unsnotty and now I’m feeling sick again.  NOT happy, at all.  We don’t go anywhere, so have no idea how in the world I could be sick again.  Hoping it’s nothing at all and goes away with a good nights sleep!

Yesterday was a rough day.  The kids and I are all short of sleep for various things, and so I sent us to bed at 9, which is crazy, crazy early for us!  We were asleep by 10, only for me to be woken again by the dang dog.  Between those dogs and Dolores I am up way more than I’d like to be a night.  Add in one of the dogs having horrible bowel issues that took place three times yesterday and then three times again at night.  I finally gave up cleaning and today banished her outside and scrubbed the crates, carpet and wall. 

So today I decided to take the advice that I so often tell people and also myself, that of today is a new day.  For being as short on sleep as I ended up being, I did well today and didn’t even start to feel tired until just about an hour ago!  It’s been so nice to be keeping up with the basic household chores, it really makes a difference in mood to only have a days worth of work to do, not a weeks.  Makes the small stuff that I’d like to get done easier to get done, and also not as big a deal if it doesn’t because what HAS to be done is done.

Today ended up being a good day.  It was sunny and finally not windy!  The kids played outside most of the day, and I sat there with them for a large part of it, it was nice to not have something pressing that I needed to get done (again, keeping up with the basics helped there!).  Now I’m ready for bed!  Got a few hours before then.

A return

Goodness, it's been longer than I wanted. The day after my last post we went to the zoo. Paul had a blast. Dolores had fun too, but she's probably too young to really understand a zoo, just had fun smiling at people and playing :). I have a few pictures, but not on here yet to post. The next day the cold that won't die, fell upon us, or me mostly, the next day Paul too. It just won't go away! Sunday I lost my voice, or at least a usable voice. I think I may be getting it back today. Paul's still a little drippy, and thankful (thank you breastfeeding!) Dolores only got a few sniffles! Chip has had it for a few days too. I am read to be normal again!

Okay, blogger just told me I can't upload pictures, so I guess I wouldn't be sharing the zoo pictures even if I had them all ready!

Tired!

All this lack of sleep is catching up with me, I am so tired! We mostly had a good day in spite of it. Paul has been really challenging lately, feeling like I don't have the tools to handle him. This is the difficulty of not having many people to talk to who also desire gentle discipline! No one to bounce ideas off of!

Dolores really started to stand on her own the last few days (she's just over 11 months). She would do it before, but not on purpose, now she does it and sees what she can do.

Today we took a very, very long walk, it was probably close to 3 miles, that is a lot for me! Pushing the double. We walked to dollar general, rather than across the highway to the grocery store. There was holiday weekend lake traffic, I don't think I would have gotten across there! Plus I wanted to see how long it would take to go to dg, and if it was doable. It went okay, I didn't even know that it had been so long until I checked the time, 1.5 hours! But that included being in the store and stopping several times on the way home for passing cars and picking up dropped stuff. Not to bad, at least I thought. I used to walk a mile in 15 minutes, but that was a brisk pace and not pushing 100 pounds of kids/stroller, and I'm about 70 pounds heavier too. It is something I'd do again.

We also set up our zoo trip for Tuesday! Paul has never been so it'll be fun I think. I hope he does okay. Dolores is still at the 'whatever,as long as I get to nurse, it's all good' phase, so not worried about her. We'll be going with a friend so that'll be nice for me :).

All over the place

Today has been an up and down day.  Started off not good, in a horrid mood and oh so tired.  Paul got up early and preceded to make it impossible for me to stay in bed after he had waited kindly for about an hour.  Still too early for me!  The day was redeemed with some yummy lunch and a quick trip to town for me (with Dolores, but oh so nice to get out of the house).  Plus talking over some of the things bugging me, like the impossible standards set by cps (not that they have ever come to us, just reading about it online, and it really upset me, knowing that there is NO way I could do that as par for course.  I could for a visit or a guest, but not every single day, so overwhelming).  So silly to worry about things you can’t even control and have no reason to worry. 

The other flip floppy part of the day was a few hours ago.  We have this cat that lives across the street, she’s an outdoor kitty that for some reason really likes us.  Sleeps on our outdoor chairs and steps and always comes when we are outside.  Tonight I hurt her, and she won’t come/stay when she sees us.  I was closing the van door, and didn’t see her, I don’t even know what part of her I closed in the door.  I feel horrible, and keep hoping she’ll be out there.  I know that’s silly too, but Paul LOVES this cat, like if we were needing a pet, we would be asking her people if we could make her our cat, we don’t NEED any pets (we have oh, oh, too many as it is!).  I just hope she’s not injured and comes back.  She is the only thing that got Paul past his not wanting to be outside, now he sits on the steps to eat his lunch with her!

reality

This is me, raw and mostly unedited (curse words are gone, yes, sorry, I do use some foul language, ask Paul, he’ll tell you, don’t use the Lord’s name in vain, but I could hold my own with most sailors).  Me being real and true.  I have to reclaim this space, it is after all, my blog!

Reality always hits when I want to sleep.  I am so tired of not sleeping.  I want to curl up with my babies and sleep.  I want to hear their little noises and be so hot I don’t need a blanket because they are cuddled up next to me, but I am here because laying in bed makes horrid things go through my head.  It’s not as bad as with PPD, where I would literally be scared to close my eyes for fear of the thoughts, but it’s not cool, at all.  So I am here tonight, typing my heart out.

I haven’t been posting to the blog for a while, not regularly anyway, because I don’t like being fake.  I don’t want to put on a happy face when I am falling apart inside my head.  My kids are wonderful, yes, Paul is hard to deal with like most 3 and a half year olds, and Dolores likes mommy to not sleep much, but they aren’t the troubles.  Mostly my children are wonderful.  They are little rays of sunshine.  I will never be told ‘your children behaved so well’, but people will love them because they are real and goofy, they just won’t want us to come over, which is fine, we’ll go home and I won’t have to hover!

When you are so deep into a hole it is so hard to see outside of it and see the good around you.  All you see is the misery.   Another reason for not posting is that I am afraid of offending someone, since I do have a very random (and totally polar opposite readers, AP, liberal, very conservative), I am all of these things in different parts of my life. 

I have tried so long to find a place I fit and I really don’t fit anywhere totally.  I’m AP and gentle parenting (in theory, in reality, I need major work on these things), but also Traditional Catholic.  Finding those two together is nearly impossible, I can’t make both groups happy, so I just keep quiet.  Politically I’m secretly a Libertarian, but morally I support the Constitution party, which are pretty much the same, except the Constitution party brings in Christian morals.  This would upset the liberal people.  I believe in homeschooling, more specifically, unschooling, and really dislike institutional learning.  I don’t like much of what modern society has to say about marriage, raising kids, education or life in general.  So, I think I’m just going to put some disclaimer on my side bar or something, and I guess this is also a warning, sorry if I offend you, it’s not intentional, but this is my blog.  If you think it’s against the Church, please call me on it, but otherwise, we will just have to have different opinions, and really, would life be interesting if we all had the same opinion about everything?

Me and myself haven’t ever really gotten along, or maybe we have, but they don’t really like each other.  Or, to be direct and blunt, I don’t really like myself, at all, much, if ever.  That has to change for anything really big to change.  I really don’t know where to begin with that.  We have no money so counselors or meds can’t be had, trust me, if I had the money I’d so be running for some Zoloft, well right now, actually probably like two months ago, but it’s just not there, it’s a reality that I can’t change.  So I have to find some way to deal with it just the way it is.  This has been my struggle the last several months, but never had I come out and said it, nor truly admitted it to myself, or anyone else. 

So, I am going to try to post more, and if it’s a whiny, miserable post, I’m going to make myself also find something good (like today’s earlier post about the kids).    

I think I may have gotten rid of enough negative emotions that I might be able to sleep without too much trouble, we shall see.

Ending, I’ll just ask for prayers, from those who pray, I could really use them.  Depression is not fun.  Not liking your self and feeling like a total failure at the most important job you have (being a mother) is not okay.  Yes, I realize the first leads to the second, but they are, at this point, separate at least in places.  Thank you, and I hope I haven’t scared too many away.

Was suppose to be my ‘reality’ post

So I was going to post a ‘reality’ post, you know all the stuff that people don’t talk about when trying to paint the rosy picture that happens usually with a blog.  But my reality right this moment is too cute to not share, and totally wipes out the negative of the day!

Paul has this little nerf type football that would be used to play finger football, it’s flat, but football shaped.  He is currently playing football with Dolores.  I tried to get a picture and a video but the camera is not working and my cell phone is full.  So instead of being super frustrated I’m posting here so I’ll remember later about this fun moment.

It is super cute!  Paul is throwing this ball/disc and she is chasing after it (crawling) while giggling up a storm.  She gets distracted and Paul picks her up and puts her back on the sheet (he has a sheet laid out that is their playing field I guess, or just the place he wants to play this game), throws the football, they both giggle like mad and then she crawls after it and he gets there first, she gets distracted, he gets her, repeat.  The laughter is incredible!   They are both having a blast!

Paulisms

My recent conversation with Paul, or rather, Paul’s monolog :)

This is all Paul talking, we were reading a story with farm animals.

I want to talk to Daddy about that, I want to tell him that.  I want two, I want a tractor and a cow.  I want to tell him I want a pig, a baby pig to put in that crate (pointing to the dog crate we have for the big dogs).  No, I want to get two baby pigs to put in Pepper’s crate (same crate, Pepper is in there right now).  I want to put them in the tub and put my fingers in there, maybe they will smell them, yes they will smell them.  I’m going to tell Daddy that when he wakes up.  I want you to call him (I don’t think Paul is always aware when Daddy is at work and when Daddy is sleeping, since he does sometimes work both nights and days).

So it was too cute, and I tried so hard to remember it all.

Three and a half, and 10 months

****First, today is Sept. 11th, a day that I don’t think I’ll ever forget.  So much now it seems as though people have forgotten, it is quite sad that people’s memories can be so short.  Many prayers for those who lost loved ones, as well as prayers for those who where lost.****

This is Paul and Dolores right now.  Well Paul’s a few days shy of 3.5 and Dolores a few days past, but close enough!

It has been so neat the last month watching their relationship grow.  Paul has gotten much more interactive with her, and also helpful and kind.  Yes sometimes he does still throw a toy at her, or other not nice things.  She just LOVES Paul, giggles and coos and ‘talks’ to him.  One of Paul’s favorite things to do is to make a pile of toys around her.  She enjoys the chance to explore lots of different toys and Paul likes making a mess with a purpose (at least I think he likes the purpose part, maybe it’s just the mess? :) ).

Paul has been having a lot of trouble with fears lately.  He has developed some new ones that really make life interesting.  Like being afraid of the noise from the planes (we live right in the path of the planes from Whiteman AFB, as in routinely we have planes fly between 100 and 300 feet over our house, routinely as in at least daily, unless it’s bad weather).  So this is a biggie.  He is also not liking to be left alone, whether it’s me going to the bathroom, or to play outside.  He won’t even play outside unless we are sitting right there with him, I can’t even go look at the chickens or some other part of the yard without him starting to freak.  Also, dark, and driving in the dark.  Which is getting to be a bigger issue since the days are getting shorter.  I don’t know if it’s totally normal, but I did find quite a bit online about kids this age and fears.  I hope that he soon works them out because it is challenging to say the least.

Dolores is a pretty delightful little girl.  Usually happy and wanting to play.  I am so grateful that my kids are both pretty happy kids.  Each day a little bit more of their little personalities shows through and they are just pretty neat people.  She is still crawling, and doing some standing on her own for short little bits, she gets around where she wants to go though.  Still doesn’t know what to think of food (we do baby led solids, no spoon feeding).  She likes to suck on crackers, and I think she sometimes ingests some, but mostly if she gets a piece in her mouth she just kind of looks at me like ‘what is that? and what do I do with it?’ then spits it out!  Paul didn’t eat until 11 months, so looking like Dolores will be around that age too.

Here are a few pictures from the last month, from my cell phone, so not the best, but the camera is MIA right now.

Paul holding one of the brand new chicks, a Dominique.

 

Here’s the whole bunch, we got them on Aug. 11.  Golden Lace Wyandotte, Silver Lace Wyandotte and Dominique's.

 

I came from doing laundry and Paul had put the umbrella up like this on Chip’s chair.  He was very proud of himself. 

This was just the other day at Lowe’s.  Paul loves the race car shopping carts and he insisted that Dolores sit with him, and he even buckled her in!  This was the best shot I was able to get.

Just tonight.  He wanted me to take a picture of him making this hole.  (there was already a hole there and we plan on turning that area in to a shelf or something, so it’s the place we let him get out his banging/hitting energy.  One day we’ll get around to actually removing it and putting in the shelf!)

Weekly check in

For the year long reading of the Bible and Catechism we are doing a weekly check in.  I was able to get all the reading done!  I have been surprised at how interesting the reading it.  I have been learning a lot!

Also, I started the Consecration this week, on Sept. 8th, and have kept up with it.  Today will be day four.

Motivating myself

So I have wanted to make (and finish!, finish being the key word here) my Consecration to Mary for about 6 years, and I am going to do that, I start on Sept. 8th.  I have a good friend who really helped me with getting to the point of feeling like I CAN do it, rather than thinking, like normal, that I’ll give it a try again.  I WILL be finishing it.  Also something else I have been wanting to do is read the whole bible, and another friend, Kristin, and she found a study guide if you want to call it that! that breaks down the scripture readings as well as the catechism readings, to be read in a year.  So far I have done the first three days.  I am excited about it still, so hopefully in a month I will still be on track.  I don’t know if I’ll post daily of getting it done, but I may, but also don’t want to bore those who have no desire to follow along!

I have been using the Douay Rheims online for the readings and the Vatican site for the catechism.  It has worked well, having one tab open for each reading.  I will continue this when adding in the Consecration, which will just be one more tab to have open :).  It has been interesting reading already.  I’m getting a lot more out of it than I ever did all the other times I tried to read the bible through.

So if anyone wants to join in, hop onboard!

sleeping Dolores

I posted this earlier, I don’t know where it went!

Earlier today I gave Dolores a little bath and put her on the bed so I could go to the bathroom.  I came back in and this is what I found.

She can fall asleep anywhere in the middle of anything!  Paul wasn’t like that.  She just fell asleep sitting up and fell over!  She stayed like that for over an hour, then rolled on her side a bit, then took one leg out from under her, then I woke her while trying to get another picture!

Sleeping Dolores part 2

Here are the other shots I took while she was out.

9 months old!

Sorry for the lack in posting lately.  Life has been overwhelming, which means I don’t post much.  But I wanted to do a monthly update of Dolores, since really I want this blog to serve as a diary of sorts to our lives.

Dolores is mostly crawling now, I haven’t yet gotten a video of it yet, will have to try this week.  Also, on the day of her ninth month her first tooth broke through.  She’s been working on getting that tooth for about a month! 

 

I put her in the front seat to help Chip for a few minutes, and she fell asleep!

 

 

Paul wanted me to take a picture of him while I was trying to find a good angle for the one of Dolores.

 

Just this morning, all smiles!

 

Paul took this.

 

Another one Paul took, neat angle, she loves his cars!

http://vonejiz.angelfire.com/

Looong Days

Today has been a very long day, preceded by more long days than I care to count.  It is one of those days when I want the world to stop so I can get off. 

Both kids seem to be going through something, Dolores doesn’t want put down and Paul constantly wants to be held (not a good combo).  I am so ready for bed, about 30 minutes.  Chip is working a night shift so I was going  to take advantage of that and get a good cleaning of the house in after the kids went to sleep, I don’t think that’s happening.  He has another one tomorrow, so I can use that time.

It also happens to be Carnival day, which is very exciting, of course I’m to tired to sit and read thought provoking info.  Hopefully tomorrow will not be as long! 

8 months old and Chip’s birthday

Today is Dolores’ 8th month, and also Chip’s birthday!  We went to get the cake stuff and Paul really wanted to get the numbers, but they didn’t have any 3’s, I didn’t feel like having a math equation on the cake, so we picked an ‘8’ for Dolores’ 8th month :), plus 31 candles for Chip’s birthday :)

 

Cake before lighting

 

All ablaze!

 

Chip blowing out the candles

 

Trying to get a picture with everyone looking at the camera and smiling, nearly impossible, this is the best one!  Paul LOVED the cake!

 

Now for a little Dolores update.  She’s about 19 pounds!  Hard to believe that at this point Paul was like 26 or so!  She’s working very, very hard on crawling.  I think it’ll be very soon.  She wants to so bad, just hasn’t gotten all the moves in order yet.  New sounds all the time, happy little girl who LOVES to watch her brother play and thinks he’s the most funny thing to ever happen!  After a little worry on my part about her rolling over, she has totally mastered it, she’s a rolling fool!  Still no teeth, I am guessing she’ll get like 5 at a time! 

rejection

I hate it. I really wish there was a way to guard oneself against it, you know, like a spray repellant or something. I guess living in a hole would work too, which is tempting, let me tell you.

Finding A New Way

Welcome to the "Carnival of Catholic Parenting" hosted by Maman A Droit! This month's submissions are inspired by Hebrews 12:1-2:

Therefore since we are surrounded with such a great cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us.

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After you read this great post, you're encouraged to check out some of the other contributions to this month's carnival through the links at the bottom of this post. Enjoy!

“And therefore we also having so great a cloud of witnesses over our head, laying aside every weight and sin which surrounds us, let us run by patience to the fight proposed to us: Looking on Jesus, the author and finisher of faith, who having joy set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and now sitteth on the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2 (Douay Rheims version-including this version since that is what we use here)

I have read this verse many times in the last few weeks. When I saw it posted as the theme for this first Carnival of Catholic Parenting, I thought it was very fitting for the struggles and things going on currently in my role as a mother.

My great cloud of witnesses is still quite small compared to some other moms I know, but they are still witnesses, as proven by my son many times a day as he repeats an action, or word of mine. As of late I have been reminded of what is important (at least to me!), and how I was falling short, drastically of that. I had totally missed the mark. I am currently working to rid myself of those burdens to become a better mother, to instill in my children, confidence, emotional stability and of course, most important, faith, our beautiful Catholic faith. To run the race, not merely sit and watch it go by wondering how I got left behind.

My burdens are many to me at this time. Lack of patience, using words in a negative way – which hurts my children, lack of consistency in boundaries and discipline, and the worst, my temper. These not only effect my running the race of motherhood, but also, my faith, which in turn, also effects my mothering!

As a parent who strives to be an Attachment Parent and follow the Gentle Discipline model, you can see this presents many hurdles to jump over. For the last three years or more I had not realized that I was using words in such an awful way, in such a cutting way. I didn’t realize that the words I thought were okay, really where not. I also had not known how awful my temper was. I thought I was patient and not quick to anger.

To help me be a better witness and to run the race of motherhood as best as I can, I am mostly working on my temper and my words. It is a daily, if not hourly struggle. I analyze every word that comes out of my mouth, I am forcing myself to think before I speak, to think what effect the words I am going to say will have. Are they dismissive? Insulting? Hurtful? Degrading? Demeaning? Negative? If I find myself starting to just randomly say mean things (on purpose, with the intent of being hurtful/mean/insulting………..which is what I mean about using them in a negative way), I stop myself. I have gotten better at this, and I hope someday, that desire to use words poorly will not be there. Not only will using words in a more positive way help my cloud of witnesses, it will also help my faith. Using words like that is not good for being close to God, it puts a barrier in that relationship. This is also something I hadn’t realized until recently.

Temper is a little harder. I try to catch myself before it gets bad. It is not even conscience at this point. Sometimes I’ll go in my room, sometimes I just stop. I haven’t been as good at this as working on my words (it is also not as often an occurrence). Mostly I want to be consistent in my reactions, boundaries and discipline. I don’t want the kids to not know what’s going to happen, not know if today moms going to yell for the smallest thing, whereas yesterday she didn’t care. I also really feel that my temper harms my faith, I should be practicing patience and not reacting in anger. I don’t remember where I read it, but I have seen it several times said that when we discipline it is not to be in anger. This is part of the reason we have chosen Gentle Discipline as our model for discipline. We both have a temper, Chip’s more controlled than mine. When you take the physical out of your discipline, it is a little harder to be angry while disciplining, at least for us.

It has been a rough month or so, but things seem to be looking up. Writing this out has made me realize that I have actually made improvement, made me feel that I am not a total lost cause! I have a long way to go, but hopefully I can overcome these burdens to be the best mom I can be.

Don't forget to check out these other great Carnival of Catholic Parenting posts:

• Julie @ Journey to the Simple Life talks about her struggles to be a positive witness through her speech in her post, Finding a New Way


• Kate @ Momopoly discusses the importance of timing in Maternal Pacing


• Heidi @ Extraordinary Moms Network reflects on why she turns to the cloud of witnesses in Sweet Mysteries of Life & Faith


• Cassie @ There's A Pickle in My Life talks about the temptation to let others' choices distract us from our own families in her post, Running the Race


• Maman A Droit compares the people who help her be a better parent to the people who helped her be a better cross-country runner years ago, in her post, Run Faster!

API June Blog Carnival

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

This month’s Carnival focuses on the fourth API (Attachment Parenting International) principle ~ Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally.

My journey towards co-sleeping began years ago, I think it was a 20/20 special about it. I thought it was odd at the time, boy, how my mind has been changed!

When I was pregnant with our first child, I knew I wanted to co-sleep. It just made sense. I was going to breastfeed, and all the people I talked to admitted to how much easier it was to nurse at night if the baby was with you, how much more sleep they got once they just brought the baby to bed. I also couldn’t fathom leaving my very, very small new baby in another room to sleep, it didn’t seem right or natural at all. Plus, the practical side is that we lived in a one bedroom house, with a very small bedroom, no room for a crib. We still have never had a crib, through two children :).

My husband admitted later to thinking I was nuts, but knew we didn’t have the space, and thought he’d just let me do what I wanted. He told me after a few months of this, and how he was convinced it was much better. He was never woken by a crying baby, since I (and the milk!) where right there within a little wiggle. He said that he had watched Paul rooting around at night for milk and how he would just fuss a little and then latch right on. It just seemed like that was how it was suppose to be.

I had planned to let our children sleep with us/me until they were ready. My husband wasn’t convinced of this right away, but he is even more open now to letting them stay than I had been in the beginning. We both feel that if they need us at night, and the comfort they get from being with us, that it’s better for them, and we all get more, restful sleep.

We are so vulnerable when we sleep, it only makes sense that a small child would want to be near/with the people who have protected them all their life. Plus what is better when you have a bad dream? Having someone for comfort right there or having to scream into the dark night and HOPE someone comes? Both my husband and I still have horrid dreams, we could not imagine letting our children go through that alone.

At some point we plan to put a little bed for Paul in our room to see what he thinks. We have asked him, but mostly he gives us this look of ‘why would you do that to me’ and says he wants to cuddle with us :). I am fully confident that when his time comes, he’ll move on to sleeping solo.

Physically, we foster safe sleep by having the bed on the floor. Paul sleeps between us, and Dolores between me and a wall. No worries of falling off. In the winter I make sure they are dressed warmly so there is no need for extra blankets. I also make sure that every one has their own blanket, that way no one is fighting with someone else for one, and when we move throughout the night no one loses covers or gets their head covered. Paul has been fully able to cover and uncover himself for over a year, so he does that throughout the night depending on how warm or cool he is. Dolores is still to little, so I make sure she is covered every time I rouse. It is second nature, and not ever a real disruption of sleep.

I thoroughly enjoy sleeping with my children next to me. There is nothing nicer than crawling into bed next to all the most important people in your life, and the sweet little cuddles and snores are all the better :). Yes, there are nights of endless nursing, but then I remember how much harder those nights would be if I had to actually get out of bed to tend to their needs. I am very thankful for having a supportive husband who fully supports our co-sleeping.

Below is the only picture I have. Dolores is about a week old, Paul about 2 and half.

excited!

So my first entry into a blog carnival is tomorrow. I excited and nervous at the same time. I have a few more carnivals I'm working on for the next few weeks. Very excited at the possibilites this presents :)

Also on a side note, it's been so pleasant the last couple days. Feeling some peace of mind and also on a practical note, we got one more a/c unit, so it'll be nicer inside, at least not humid! :)

A goodbye?

I think it's time for me to say goodbye to NB's. I know, you're thinking "didn't they reject you 8 months ago". Yes, but I have spent everyday pining for them and hoping everytime I check my email that the owner would email saying she changed her mind. Yes, I am that sad and clingy of a person!, I also have a really hard time letting go of things I care deeply about, and people I consider friends. I've toyed with the idea of begging to be let back in, Lord knows I NEED the support. But do I want support of people who don't like or want me? Am I really that pathetic? I really don't know. I know I am at propbably the lowest point ever in my life. I was going to beg the owner in an email to let me back, but realized that maybe I need to grow a backbone. Begging for friends and support is not the way to get lasting friendships or true friends.
So, I sit on the fence, knowing that I really do need to close that chapter, and yet also desperatly needing support. Feeling as a complete failure, especially as a mom even moreso as a gentle discipline mom. I think it was that feeling-failure-that made me think that goodbye was better. Like begging is just reenforcing my weakness, whereas letting go of something that doesn't want me (and hasn't for the most part missed me-the most part being the few I keep in touch with here, on Twitter and Facebook) is somewhat strengthening.
It was great, I miss it dearly, but how long does one mourn the loss of, well, a support network? I still have to decide that I guess.

I can't believe I typed that all out on this itty bitty keyboard! And I am pretty sure it's typo free!

sweating is overrated

I am done with it.  Add in Dolores who has to be held or nursed all day, who is herself a sauna (super hot and sweaty), and I am miserable.  We have not had the nightly cool down that makes summer mildly bearable for the last few nights (it’s almost midnight and still close to 90 degrees in here).  Each day some thing  more pressing gets in the way of getting a/c.  Heartworms, major car issues, more car issues………………. I have lost my patience in dealing with this and I’m so tired of not being able to do the household things I need to, plus the heat is making me extra tired.  All I can hope for is a little break in the heat, usually when you are totally at your wits end (with either winter or summer) there is a small break.  I am hoping for that and money to fall out of the sky!  Okay done complaining for the evening.  Now to surrender my foolish self into some finding a way to deal with this for 4 more months.

a few kinds neat things

Well to me anyway :)

My favorite time of day now is after the sun sets and the day starts to cool.  But then the bugs come in, yuck.  But tonight I found that with the living room light off, they aren’t nearly as bad, I’d say there are only about 25% as many as normal, so the night is even more enjoyable :)

The other thing I found out was that you can post date a blog entry from windows live, which is awesome.  I do not like posting blogs in blogger, it is a pain, but with windows live, it’s SO much easier.  That’s about all, off to do day two of the Consecration.

Wow, late night thoughts can be so awakening!

The other day in the post 'rough' I mentioned having a hard time with things I didn't really want to mention. This deals with that.

The other day Chip was saying that it seems something has been up with me, and I thought it was just the recent stuff, but tonight I realized when that change started to occur. It was about a year ago. I don't really have a lot of local friends, I think I have like three, at best. The rest live far away, and some are only people who I know online, but consider friends, I won't get into how pathetic that makes me! :). Most of these people are people who have some characteristic that draws me to them, or that I seek to find in myself. Whether it is regarding faith, child raising, or just life in general. The most positive thing that I NEED is the gentle discipline, and AP parenting people. I do pretty okay in regards to faith by myself, and even politics, but my nature is not gentle, and that is why it is helpful to have gentle people to help calm my very temper prone, loud, brisk, standoffish self.

Anyhow. So a year ago we had to shut our internet off. Which also shut me off from those people. I had no one to balance me out, no people to talk to daily about parenting struggles, no role models of gentle, peaceful being. So that is my wow moment that got me out of my nice cozy bed with my little ones to come here and type. Realizing that there WAS something that changed in me, and also what was behind it. Sadly I don't talk to most of them anymore (not by choice, it just is how it is), but I have found a local friend who also parents like us, so hopefully that'll help. I just do so well when I have people to be accountable too, even if it's only in my head that I'm accountable to them. I thrive having role models!

I love pinpointing something in me that has been bugging me, so freeing. So tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully I can reclaim the gentleness that I used to have and find patience, all on my own! That is a rather large statement for me.

Now for some positive

Now to focus on some positive things.

Chip was able to get the van running.  It should be good for him to get to work and us to run the errands and such we need to do. 

I am really enjoying the cool night air.  My favorite time of day is when the sun sets and the air starts to cool.  It’s always very welcome in the summer.  It’s peaceful and calming.  In the winter I love when the sun comes up and begins to warm the house.  It’s not as calm a feeling, but it’s comforting and just so simple.  God really did design things well.  The day is hot, but the sun sets and things cool down.  In the winter, the sun comes up to warm the day, and ease the frigid. 

I started my consecration to Mary today.  I’m pretty excited for this and also happy that I actually started it.  I so often plan these things and don’t start.  Starting is a big deal.

Tomorrow I get to go to Warrensburg in the first time in almost 2 weeks.  I’m pretty excited, which is kind of sad too, meaning I haven’t left this tiny place in that long. 

rough

Things are really rough right now.  The cars are both unusable, Chip actually had to sleep in the van at work last night because it wouldn’t stay started long enough for him to get out of the lot.  He said he’s going to try to get home tonight, I just hope it starts for him.  I can’t go get him because I only have one car seat, and yeah, the Volvo isn’t much better than the van at the moment.  Which is sad.   I love that car!  It doesn’t help that we have NO idea what is wrong so it’s just ‘lets try this, lets try that’ and we simply can not keep doing that, it costs WAY too much money and time.  We need a vehicle NOW, something that at least Chip can get to work in and maybe bring back the groceries and other things we need on a weekly basis.  Yeah, I will go stir crazy (I am already there), but he HAS got to be able to get to work.  Never has 13 miles seemed so huge as right now.  It’s to far to walk.  I wonder how long it would take on a horse?  and no I’m not kidding!

There are other things too that I won’t get into.  Something just needs to give soon, or start working soon.  I hate this completely trapped feeling.  At least once the weekend is over I’ll be able to walk into town, but crossing the highway is out of the question on the holiday’s and weekends of summer (live on a road that is a main route to the Lake (lake of the Ozarks), it’s crazy busy on the weekends, can take over 10 minutes to cross just one side of the highway, not really safe in my opinion).

Anyway, I’m pretty blah right now and trying hard to not fall into a funk because those are never good!  Trying to find the humor in this, though not doing so hot at that!

I'm a wimp

So I turned the a/c on in the bedroom (normally wait until like the end of June or beginning of July!), and asked for a/c in the livingroom/kitchen. I just can't do it this year. It's too hot already, it wasn't this warm until the end of June last year. Plus add to it Dolores is very prone to heat rash and she sweats a LOT, I just think it might be safer for her. Plus add in three dogs panting all day, (and not to mention the cats! of course they won't have a/c, but I'm sure it'll keep it cooler back there since it's connected by a hall to the livingroom/kitchen). So I feel like a huge wuss.

Trying out email posting

I just want to see if this works from the phone, some of my best thoughts are while nursing Dolores to sleep, then I forget them the next day.

e we'll be able to get the net through them so won't have to get a phone brought in at the land, big bonus!. Going to try texting some pictures. :)

So we caved and now have cell phones, they are pretty neat. I have to say I feel a little like a sell out, but they are needed right now, plus looks lik

Paul’s mind at work

We have been talking a lot about the land and what we’ll do there, kind of to prepare Paul and also because it’s exciting.  We both worry Paul will be a little freaked out that our house moves.

Right now he is feeding his little farm animals ‘hay’ that one of his tractors brought to feed them.  The hay is little chucks of styrofoam and he’s using a little toy saw to cut off more because they are ‘hungry’.  It’s incredibly cute, I would try to get a picture, but I think if I get up it’ll distract him.

Okay, now the animals are telling him thanks.  How I wish I had a way to record this with sound.

Okay, I just figured out the most awesome thing, I can take recordings with the webcam on this computer.  So here are a couple I just took.  Paul was totally fascinated that he could see himself on the computer.

 

Wow, that took a LONG time, think I’ll have to find a different way to share video!

Both Paul and I are published!

Okay, kind of :)  First, Paul’s picture made the front page of the local paper.   http://www.dailystarjournal.com/  It should be the first thing you see when you go to the site, and should be up all weekend.  We are pretty excited!

Second, my birth story for Dolores was published on ICAN’s blog.   http://blog.ican-online.org/2010/05/12/rebirthing-the-birth-of-dolores-philomena/ I love that I got to share something so life changing with others, it was such an important journey for me. 

oddities found in my cabinets

I was cleaning cabinets today, as part of a larger reorganization of the kitchen.  I got to the baking cabinet and found some incredibly interesting things mixed in the the jumbled mess that was the baking/spice shelf.  I’ll preface this saying that all our cabinets are child locked, so there was no danger of Paul getting to them.

Three bottles of unopened Olive oil, one being a larger bottle, Christmas lights, about a dozen .22 bullets, a can of olives, a Baptism candle, batteries, and flea powder (unopened).  It was kind of like a treasure, just didn’t know what I would find next!

So now all of the cabinets are organizes and the food is sorted and not just thrown in, which is nice.  I would take pictures, but I haven’t yet, I might later just because it’s fun to show of your hard work! :)

New Carpet!

When we brought this place it came with carpet that was about 2 shades darker than white. Not a good combo when you live in a mud pit, have two dogs and kids. Every time we cleaned it, new stains came up that we didn’t put there. We have been looking for some kind of way to either hide the stains or get some kind of different flooring until we actually redo the floor after we move. The other day at Lowe’s we happened upon a remnant piece of commercial carpet that was half off, and just about the perfect size for our room. New carpet for $58, you can beat that! We thought it wouldn’t be pretty, but at least it would hide a stain and get rid of that other horrible carpet. Here are the before pictures and the after. I start with the ones from when I moved the furniture, showing the stains and also all the stuff shoved into the kitchen. There are many blurry Paul’s in there :).

The new carpet is awesome, I highly recommend commercial carpet for those with pets and kids. We really like it. A LOT!

First ~ looking into the kitchen, second looking into the living room from kitchen, Paul is standing in the same place for both pictures, and yes we do still have Christmas lights up, they are so cheery they are a permanent fixture.

Most of those stains are not ours, yucky! Also, getting the new carpet we got rid of the cut outs for the heating vents (we don’t use that heater, so have them covered up).

More of the yuckiness, and Pepper hiding, well, she was hiding, since normally there are chairs there and she hates storms and it was storming. Also a good look at the cutout things, and half of Paul :).

Dolores woke up, and she was playing with a pink flyswatter we had just gotten the night before, that is the blurry pink thing. She’s in daddy’s chair.

Laying out the new carpet to see how it’ll fit (it was just a tad to short in each direction, with some clever cutting we made it fit :) ).

Paul trying out the new carpet, and Pepper still hiding, she is actually STILL there, it’s been like 12 hours. We did manage to get her to eat and go out ONCE today.

More fitting the carpet, that is the other cutout for the vent, it’s hidden normally by the desk and one of Paul’s toy keepers.

Final mess in the kitchen, including Buddy in his crate.

*******After pictures

Blurry Paul!