sickies are here

Paul and I came back from CT kind of sick. Mostly me, Paul just has a runny nose. Now Chip is sick! I blame stress for me :). I just hope it passes quickly.

It's been an interesting few weeks for me. I wish I had more mental energy to share all of it! Hopefully in the next few days when I'm not totally overwhelmed with the state of my house! Made some progress today, just a little more to go before I feel back to normal. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow feeling somewhat better and ready to go.

It's raining again, all is mud around us. Can't wait to not live in a mud pit. We have straw we use in Buddy's fenced area, we have also been putting it on our main paths to help with the mud. If we are still here next year, we are going to need to get stepping stones! :)

I have pictures to load too, but, again, something that'll have to wait. Mostly of Christmas.

Off to bed I think, feeling ready to fall asleep. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that you are not sick!

home

I am back from picking up the car. Got back Sunday, but with Christmas, have just kind of started to settle in. I have so much to do, but can't get my momentum going! Need to find something to kick my butt! I guess getting off my butt would be a start!

I have a ton more to say about the trip and other things, but not really in the right mood to sit and write things that require thought, plus, I am also hoping to get in gear and start cleaning! Paul now has SO many toys! Don't know where I'll put them all!

Julie

Thoughts on the 'winter blues'

I have been thinking about this tonight, mostly while doing dishes. :) Chip and I both struggle in the winter, it's cold, and the days are short, not a lot of sun. I know a lot of people do, to the point that they even named it - S.A.D - Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I am beginning to think that humans were made to be less active in the winter, to sleep more. Think about it. Before we had cities and grocery stores, people had to raise and grow or hunt and find their food. In the winter there is less natural sources of food. The animals don't produce as much (less eggs and milk) and the majority of vegetation dies. So there is a lack of food and it's colder, both things that would be helped by slowing down. Think of most of the major symptoms of depression, most deal with or rather boil down to a kind of hibernation. You don't want to be about others, have no interest in things, sleep more and so on. I think if we were slowing down more in winter, allowing for the need for more sleep and a slower pace, the depression part of the 'winter blues' wouldn't be so bad. I don't know, haven't completely thought this through, but it does make sense to me.

So no more feeling guilty here about needing more sleep! :) Think I'll use this as a way to take naps with Paul and not feel guilty! Off to finish more dishes.

Julie

more words and other stuff

First, I have a few new words from Paul

Today he said shower and slippery. He was playing in the shower while I was in there.

I am still working on the whole list. I keep thinking of words, then I forget by time I have gotten to the computer. So I now have a word pad document open all the time to help with.

In other stuff. I'm feeling much better. Something so simple as trusting God really can make a difference, that and prayer. I just hope I can keep it up. I have also been slightly more patient with Paul, which makes me feel better too. I hate being so curt with him and treating him like he's a burden, so not at all what I want to be as a mother.

More in the next few days, some good things are happening, but want to wait and see how it all pans out first.

Julie

time for me

This is the first in a long time! Paul went to sleep crazy early and I decided to just chill. So needed this. No stress, no expectations and no chores! Just some Jack Johnson on the Pandora, Mothering dot Commune and some friends to chat with on Yahoo. Of course, I do need to sleep :) So I should do that. Also I am saying two novenas, so I'm feeling good, which is nice for a change. I am hopeful for waking up in a good mood.

Julie

answered prayers I didn't know I said!

This morning I woke up pretty distraught over the car situation, which is just not good at all. I was just completely overwhelmed. Just a little while ago, I ran into a friend on facebook chat. We had a good talk.

What was very interesting is that the other day I posted about wanting to start over, and not knowing how to do that. It came up in a different context in our chat (more about faith and having faith and trust in God). It ended up being an answer to how to start over. Working on virtues and practicing the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. Which, until about 20 minutes ago, I didn't know. After reading them, I have heard them somewhere, but never learned them. It is really amazing how God can seriously put the right person in front of you when you need it the most, you just have to be willing to not be stubborn (or I just have to be willing to not be stubborn as I tend to be).

So while I have NO idea what's going on with the car, and the timing is just awful (as in, money, Christmas, also me trying to not go crazy, and me trying to not sink deeper into depression), I am relived to be finding a way to handle it and myself better, plus that conversation got me out of my funk that I was unwilling to leave on my own!

Okay off to learn more about these works of mercy, hang out with Paul and write down more of his words! I forgot a lot of them, and then continue to forget them after I remember them!

Julie

cars

Cars suck! They always break at the worst times possible. As in this morning on Chip's way to work. It exploded. Wonderful! Now we have to try to get the other (older worse shape, no power steering, ac or radio! :) ) car good enough to pass inspection. Or find some way to get a 'new' car, meaning a piece of crap that'll run for a few months. Lovely timing is all I can say. It's the most expensive time of year (heat is SO, SO expensive, property taxes, car insurance being due............and not to mention we haven't gotten Paul a Christmas present yet. I am trying to laugh at this so that I don't sink further in to my hole I'm already far into, it isn't working well. I just really, really hope we can time cheap used tires (just need to pass inspection -current tires are dry rotted) and find a way to fix the leaking fuel line, and hope and pray that it doesn't need power steering to pass. Okay, off to find something to just make me calm down and maybe sleep. I see this being a night of not sleeping because of extreme worry.

Julie

random late night thoughts

I haven't been doing well lately. Don't know what it is, and I think I give up trying to figure it out. I just need to deal with it and get on. The only part that is hard, is that if feels very much like the post partum depression, some of the same feelings and emotions and thoughts. I just don't like myself, at all. And all my issues are me, and things I did and chose to do. I think I try to spend way to much time 'fixing' those things. I really don't think I can fix them. I think I just have to start over and begin again. More prayer, and over the last months I have realized how much it does help to actually take time for prayer, and finding a way to not be so hard on myself, is that even possible? I mean, I seriously hate me, bluntly honest, hate me. I despise how I treat those I love, and how I CHOOSE to me so miserable. I'm afriad to be happy. Who the hell is afraid to be happy? How does that even happen?

Anyway, no point really. Just wanting to write it out, hoping I'd see a way to start fresh. It's not coming to me, but hopefully I'll wake up with a way to start anew and not hate me. I am very excited at the thought, but scared to death, as it is all I have known.

Paul's Words

I have been wanting to do this for awhile, but never sat down and wrote it out. I think it'll take a few days, and I think I also want to keep track of the new words he comes up with every day. I'm going to list words Paul says, I hope I get them all.

First today's new words
Tangerine - one of our cats
Coby - another cat
shadow

His other words
cat
dog
puppy
turtle
cow
bird
fish
plane
tree
flower
bug
walk
car
truck
train
tape
pliers
stretch (for a tape measure)
screw (can you tell he helps us a lot!)
type
baby
scared
light
light stick
stick
hold you
up
down
off
on
sit
jump
wee
wow
stair (s)
moon
star
hand
foot
toe
head
nose
ear
hair
eye
teeth
kiss
hug
pee
poop
door
push
open
thank you
cracker
bread
dip
plate
fork
spoon
sharp (for knives and scissors)
olive
cheese
chip
daddy
mommy
chicken
cookie
cake
back
stuck
chair
ball
bulb
apple
hot
cold
that
pants
socks
shirt
shoes
Christmas
Megan
Grandpa
Zach
Missie
Pepper
Bo
watch
screen
blanket
water
milk
cart
eat
pen
crayon
color
paper
duck
vacuum
book

Okay, Paul is needing me to get him to sleep, so I'll try to think of more tomorrow. I know there is more, as he talks a lot, I know some of them he uses to me more than one thing. Okay, being demanded very loudly! :)

Julie

A cold

A cold has found me, yay! I just got better and now another. And I never go anywhere or talk to anyone or really see other humans. So who knows where this came from! Just hope Paul doesn't get it. Hate to see him sick.

We are getting some snow tonight, had some all day, didn't stick. I kind of hope it sticks, just because it's pretty, and even a gloomy day with snow is happy! Now sun needed. I so wish I could find some little rain boots/snow boots for Paul, I think he'd really enjoy exploring this white stuff.

Julie

reflecting

I have been working on adding pictures to my photobucket, and tagging them. It's made me kind of reflective. (here's the link to our album - http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/)

The last two years have been years of so, so much change. A lot of grief. I can't even put my finger on the grief. Cats, fathers, grandma's, neighbors, and that's just the people/pets we loved. Add in losing everything and the whole mess that was McKissock st. and our first trailer, and it's just been hell to put it nicely. I miss some things about that time though, like a clean house. Before things got bad at McKissock, it was a lovely house, I still really miss that house. There is something about a house that is so nice that I can't really describe after having lived in a trailer. Though we have been lucky with the trailers, as they both have real floors, not that particle board stuff. Anyway. I miss the simpleness of that time before things got bad. Though, I'm sure I'm glossing over things, as life is pretty simple now, though also, way more challenging. No longer can I just clean all day and be productive. I have Paul who needs me, a LOT these days.

Okay, not really sure where this is going, it's just interesting to see how life changes, and to see where we are now, versus where we were then. Lots is better, though more stressful, but I think before I wasn't paying attention to things that needed attention - which is what got us in trouble! I just really hope that we don't look back at the coming year the way we look back at the last few. We need a year of happiness, not another of grief. There are so many great possibilities for us that will come to a head in the coming year, I just hope there is no more death. I am so done with death, and loss and failing.

Off to bed I go, do check out the pictures, I added a few more than I posted here.

Julie

A few pictures from Thanksgiving

Paul and his Aunt Missie











Paul and his cousin Andi, along with a few cats

















Making the gingerbread house

Grandma passing and Thanksgiving

Instead of two posts, I thought I'd put both these together.

My Grandma passed away on Monday. It still hasn't really hit me, but have been distracted by holiday visitors who left today. I'm sad I can't get to the funeral to be with family, but I don't know that I could have handled being there either.

My grandma has melanoma, she found out about it about 2 and a half years ago. By time they took it out it had already spread. She fought for a long time. I will miss her very much, she had such spirit. Wish we had been closer.


For Thanksgiving my sister in law came up with her daughter. It was a hard one for them too, as it's the first with out her father (Chip's dad died in January - if you remember). It was nice having people around and it was a nice Thanksgiving. Sad to have them gone today. Paul keeps asking for 'issie', even looking out the window for her car. I think it'll be a long day! I always hate that sad lonely feeling you have after a guest leaves. It's like the house is empty. I even got this as a kid when friends would stay the night. Doesn't help any that it's dreary out and we are out of kerosene to warm up the room, yuck!

She will be back for Christmas, it'll be nice. I'm going to try to get the pictures on the computer from their visit to share later.

Julie

Busy Day

We have been very busy lately! Moving everything that goes to storage, over there, and working on little projects on the house. Today we also picked up our new dog. We had been wanting to get our dog a friend, and we found a very, very sweet, gentle older dog. I'll take pictures over the next few days to share. Paul loves her! And she is wonderful with him.

Also getting ready for my sister in law's visit for Thanksgiving. Looking forward to the company, and catching up with family. Just hope we get the house in order before she gets here!

Paul is quite busy just being Paul. His new thing is pushing his Lion (a little ride on thing) from place to place so he can reach stuff. He's quite good at it!

Julie

Good day, but oh so tired

The last few days have been days that remind me of the power of prayer. It's been pretty amazing. Now just to see how things play out over the next few days and months.

On the other hand, I am so, so tired! I have so much to do in the next week, I really don't know where to begin. Paul is like a little tornado and makes huge messes all the time. If you could see my living room, boy, is that embarrassing! I am just waiting for him to go to sleep so I can clean it up, do dishes and work on a few other computer related things. It's getting late though. May have to put off the computer! :)

Okay, off to go get the cookies out of the oven. It is so nice having an oven again, been way too long!

Julie

annoying

Okay, I hate service pack 2, in a way that I have never hated anything. So much so that on my last computer I uninstalled it. But it's on this computer, and I just never got rid of it, and Chip likes it, so it stays. So sp2 has this really annoying thing regarding updates, where it wants to shut down your computer, and does so on it's own. Chip has an application that can not be saved (it's on a pdf and we don't have acrobat reader so we can't save it). And you know that stupid thing wants to shut my computer down, which would mean all the incredibly long application is lost. So very annoying. Thank goodness we printed a copy earlier, but it's just a rough draft. Anyway, just annoying, and moreso because I know that I am going to have to retype all the stuff, oh, so fun. Oh, just thought, maybe this will make Chip want to delete sp2?? :)

Julie

ugg

I really need someone to talk to right now. The catholic ladies group is still not up, and I could really, really use them right now. The other stuff I'm dealing with is parenting, AP and gentle discipline related and I just don't feel I can go to my group right now because I'm in the middle of some just not fun debate. I just don't think I can go there right now.

Tomorrow's my birthday. Which always leaves me kind of lonely. I don't know why, but it does. I'm also pretty bummed because it looks like our electric box can't handle our heaters, so I don't know what we'll do to keep warm. Very frustrating. Kind of getting to that hopeless despair that tends to set in this time of year. I really thought I'd be able to get away from it for a little longer.

Need to go find something happy so I can sleep tonight.

Oh, I did get all the dishes done today, that's something good.

Julie

cute

Paul just gets cuter every day. Just a few minutes ago he came and asked for my hand, led me to the hall door and motioned for me to open it so he could go play with the kitties.

That's it for now, but it was too cute to not share. He grows up so much each day, becoming more and more complex. It's fun and scary at the same time.

Julie

elections

I am very upset with the outcome of the presidential election. I think mostly I'm upset that so many people who I know to be educated, well informed people, think he is great and wonderful. I am part of many groups for natural and ap parenting, which is about making good choices for your family, and being informed in those choices. I don't see how they can think a man who wants the government to take more control of our lives is a good thing. I just don't. I am by no means saying McCain would have been much better, they were both the same path, just McCain was a much slower ride. The government is WAY, WAY too big and has too much control over our lives and our CHOICES (and God given rights!) in how we raise our families. This is totally a wrong step. I am very scared to see where the next few years will take us. I voted for Chuck Baldwin, so I know I'm hoping for a lot here!

On the upside, the tax for 911 passed here, so Chip will have a job, very good news.

Julie

RIP Linda

Our neighbors wife passed away today. It was very sudden, he came home and found her. Chip actually took his 911 call, the first dealing with someone he knew. We are at a loss as to what to do. He can not drive, so we will offer to drive him to town, and also to bring over some meals. I hate knowing that people are heartbroken. I hate not being able to fix things like this, even though I do not know Bob well, I simply can not imagine the grieve and sadness he is feeling.

What has stuck me most is that the verse that his wife had up on her teaching profile (she was a teacher at the local Christian school), was the same one that was Chip's dad's favorite Jeremiah 29 :11-13. It totally blew my mind when I saw that.

So, if you pray, please pray for the repose of her soul.

Julie

random random

I have some mystery bug. I hope it goes away tomorrow, I hate not feeling well.

Last night, Paul slept for 15 hours, it was nice, especially since I wasn't feeling well. He didn't nap yesterday, and I guess he just really needed the sleep, plus, if I'm there, he is more likely to sleep, and I sure wasn't getting out of bed! :)

Tomorrow morning is Smokey's last pill. I'm so glad she is doing well and has recovered so well. The vet was pretty amazed too, they did not think she would recover.

I need to find a new book to read, missing having something to read. All I have right now are books that I will learn something from, and I really just want something for fun. Most of my books are packed away somewhere, and all my library books are overdue (and I'm too lazy to walk all the way up to the library to return them - maybe tomorrow :) ).

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned it, but I did finish Gone With the Wind. It was a very good book. I recommend it if you don't mind long books and sad endings. I am still having dreams about it actually (yes I know, my life is that boring that I dream about the books I'm reading so laugh if you must, but don't wake the baby! :) ).

Okay, I think I'll end my totally random post that made no sense, drink some tea and go to sleep, maybe finding some tylenol for the headache.

Julie

stupid plumbing

I'm SO incredibly sick of this stupid plumbing. I just want to flush my freaking toilet and have it actually flush. I'm so just sick of it. Maybe if the dude who owned the park actually capped off all the OPEN sewer pipes, it would work, just maybe. I just want to be able to actually use my sink, and washer and toilet, is that really such a big thing to ask?????

So very pissed right now. I actually just broke a plunger, that's how bad this stupid plumbing is (no it's not our fault in any way, there is something wrong with the sewer itself).

Julie

Smokey

Today we took a very, very sick kitty to the vet. She had found of rat poison that the previous owners had under the cabinets here. We thought we had gotten it all. She is still at the vet, but it doesn't look good at all.

So if you happen to read this, please pray she is okay, and that none of our other cats found some too.

So much sadness here lately.

Julie

New Day

So far today has been pleasant. I woke up feeling mostly rested :). The cats are enjoying being unlocked up (they cause a lot of trouble at night, so we keep them in a room overnight). Paul is being a sleepy head and I got done all the things I absolutely have to do each day, except vacuum, but I'll do that when Paul gets up. Everything else I get done today is just extra :). I love that feeling.

I also thought I'd update on my last post. After posting I caught an old friend on facebook, and she was the exact person I needed to talk with. It was a good conversation and a few things came out that I hadn't really thought of. Still trying to wrap my head about them, but, it's good. Anyhow, out of that conversation, I realized how void of prayer my life is, and how much more able to handle things I am when I actually take the time to pray. So I decided to start saying a Rosary again daily. It's a very small step, but it helps in so many ways. Gets me closer to my faith, helps me fall asleep, and just feel better in general.

Well, I think that'll be all for now, I think I hear Paul's little feet :)

Julie

can't sleep

Hoping writing out a few things will help me get to sleep. So many things on my mind, I just can't relax to fall asleep. Don't think I'll go into details, that would be way too long a post! estate stuff, house stuff, baby stuff, cat stuff, and money, mostly money. Also living in the past, need to stop that. I really need to just except things for what they are and stop trying to change everything and make excuses. All it does is become this huge self perpetuating downward spiral. The past is gone, I am here, now.

I think really, I just need to sleep. I need to figure out a way to actually get sleep. This has nothing to do with Paul, I, simply can not sleep, haven't been able to for several weeks. I think with sleep, I'd handle things better, but then again, that's also justifying how things are now. Deal with the lack of sleep rather than make excuses for it. Or use it as an excuse. I think at the bottom of all this is a very simple truth, that many people have pointed out to me, I don't know how to be happy. I'm all complaints and excuses. I can't just accept things as what they are, always having to change them. Such a miserable way to live.

Okay, I think that may have helped, at least I'll have something more positive to think about while laying in bed, how to be happy. What small step can I make tomorrow to move in the right direction? Definitely something to ponder. Just have to remind myself that I CAN take small baby steps, I don't have to tackle it all at once. I'll try to write what my small step is. I sure need to remember to keep it a small one.

Julie

dreary day

It is quite a dreary day today. Second day in a row. And it's raining. Paul went to bed last night at 5:30, woke up at about 7:45. Wish I had known that his nap was actually down for the day, that would have been a NICE sleep! :)

Anyhow, back to the dreary day. I hate them, well when there are two in a row anyway. Have a way of making one forlorn and melancholy. It is one thing I do not like about spring and fall, too much dreary days. I had planned on a nice walk to town today. I guess it is only 9, it could get better, must check the weather.

In non dreary news, Paul is sitting so cute on the couch eating his corn cereal, it's incredibly cute. I will try to take a picture, but he tends to get excited at the site of the camera and yell 'ki kis' because he wants to see the pictures of the cats.

Okay, didn't go well, jumped up and ran to me to see the 'ki kis'

So good morning from Paul and I, maybe it'll stop raining???

Julie

plumbing and other vents

So we moved to a new place so we'd have nice plumbing. It's been nothing but a headache. Everything leaks (the place was empty for a LONG time, so all the valves are cracked). Everytime we try something new (today hooked up the washer) it's something else we have to replace. Just frustrating.

I'm also very, very tired, all the time. I haven't slept well in weeks (I think it's a little over a month). I can handle a few days a week with Paul waking up a lot, and getting little or spotty sleep, but it's wearing me down being so tired. I fall asleep mostly fine, but I wake up so early and can't get back to sleep. Very annoying. If I get up then Paul normally will wake up and then not only am I tired, but I have a cranky baby too, not a good combination. Need to find something to help me sleep better or more restfully. I think that's the key, having more restful sleep.

Julie

twitter

I am now there, I don't really know how to use it, but I had heard many people mention it, so signed up.

And Jennifer, if you see this post, how crazy is it that there's a thing online called Twitter!??

Julie

a few pictures

Paul sleeping his favorite way, like a little frog, even tucks his arms under his belly! And of course, you can see Sleepy time Dog there, a must for eating and sleeping :)

Paulie Antics

There a many joys in being around a toddler, and of course some things are hard (like the fact that they now have an opinion, and WANTS rather than just needs like an infant). But watching them learn and explore is just amazing.

Paul loves to explore and find anyway he can to climb, open, dismantle whatever he finds. Like for example, just as I'm writing this, he has found the missing burner elements for the electric stove we just got yesterday. How I don't know, but he just brought it to me and left it sitting next to me. I think he's off to grab another.

He also likes to push chairs or benches to the window to look out or the light switches to play with them (we didn't have switches before, so he is LOVING them). It's just so neat to see what he is capable of figuring out, all on his own, no prompting or guiding from us.

Julie

Now for some happiness

I couldn't post good things about Paul in a sad post about Meow, just didn't seem right, to either one of them!

Paul is pretty amazing. I know I say that a lot, but he is. He is learning new words daily, sometimes several words in a day. It's so neat to see him learning and discovering his world.

We are also almost totally into our new house, which is very nice. Last night we got to take hot showers, in our OWN house for the first time in over a year, actually it's been a year and a few months. It was nice. No more cold showers! Yay for water heaters!

Okay, should go see what Paul's into, I hear noise, but can't figure out what he's into.

Julie

Missing Meow

I miss that cat more than I can really say. She was special. Outside is still so lonely and sad. I think going away for a week just stopped the grieving process for me, and now I'm picking up right were I left off.

Anyhow, orange girl kitties must just have something very special added, they always find us and leave us too soon.

Julie

Losing Meow

Meow was our outdoor kitty. She chose us to be her family a little more than a year ago. We had tried many times to get her to move indoors, she wouldn't have it!

Yesterday we found her, hit by a car, our worst nightmare. It is heartbreaking. She is missed dearly. I can't look outside, let alone be out there with out wishing her alive and being so angry. She was such a joy to have around. She would greet you with a trot from where ever she was with her tail curled over her back in a way that I have never seen in a cat, kind of like a pug's tail. When she'd get about 15 feet from you, she'd start meowing and quiet little meow and I swear she could smile with her eyes, just so happy to see us. Outside will never be the same, it's so lonely and sad.

This is hitting me harder than when Kitty died. I think I had prepared myself for Kitty, I knew she was dieing, I just didn't want her too. Meow was all of a sudden. I found myself dreaming of her last night yelling for her to come back. She was a very special cat who will be sorely missed.

Julie

yuck

The last few weeks have been trialing for me. Just not myself (or not the self I LIKE to be, not in the least). I am just so ready for this gloomy haze to lift. At first I though it was hormonal, but it's still here and the hormones aren't, so who knows. I just feel so yucky and out of sorts. Nothing is good and happy or cheery, just blah and gloom. Things are just so up in the air for us. Just found out that the guy who owns the park we live in is selling, so we don't know if we'll even have a place to live soon (there is no park that would take us with a trailer that looks like this). So frustrating.

Just want to find a piece of land to move to so we don't have to worry about this stuff anymore.

To think, this is probably all just because I haven't had my daily milk/calcium. Need to get some tomorrow, I think it really makes a difference.

I guess I should go to sleep now. I don't really want to cause I'm hungry, but it's way late and I'm sure Paul's going to wake up crazy early and be cranky just like the last few days. yay.

Julie

Never underestimate God

If you happen to read here often, you know that I struggle with my faith, often feeling as though God hates me.

Don't want to go into too many details. But He really never does give you more than you can handle. Whenever you get to the point where you feel at the end of your rope, amazing things happen. This has actually happened twice in the last few weeks. I just hope I can remember this when things get hard again.

Julie

cutest thing

Right now, Paul is picking up kittens and putting them in their little kennel they sleep in at night. It's just so cute!

He picks one up, takes it over, puts her inside then closes the door. He can't lock it yet, so usually by time he comes back with another kitten the first has gotten out. He has been at it for 10 minutes or more. Just having a blast with it. :)

Julie

positive intent

It's such a powerful thing to go from assuming the worst of people/situations, to not.

In one of my groups in times past there was a lot of talk of positive intent regarding our children and being gentle with them. It makes so much sense. I still struggle greatly, and can't honestly say I have even tried. I think about it a lot, but putting it into action is much harder. Over the last couple days another group I'm on also started talk about not assuming the worst.

Looking at the world with the best intentions is so much happier than looking at it as a bunch of people who have nothing but ill will. I just wish I had it in me to change my thoughts to a more positive non-critical route. Especially since I constantly feel as though others are judging me for my choices and way of living. Maybe changing the way I think will change how I feel others view me?

Anyhow. I just happen to like this outlook on the world and thought others might want to give it a try as well. So more randomness from me today. Think I'll head to bed now, need to get more sleep!

Julie

randomness

Just a few random thoughts.

I love the game Zuma! I don't know why, but I do. Play many times a day.

My parents totally hooked Paul up with Little tykes play things this weekend from yard sales. He loves them! A little playhouse thing, a slide and a table. Lots of climbing to do, and he LOVES to climb.

Also, we now have a working fridge! You have no idea how important that is. Currently we have a freezer that works and a small room fridge that doesn't really keep things cool unless you never open it and the temp in the room is never above 70.

Life with a/c is nice. It's so much nicer to be able to sleep while not sweating!

On the note of sleeping, I have been not sleeping well (even with the comfy a/c on!). There is just too much going on in life right now it seems. Need to find something to help me sleep. Not getting enough at all!

I think that's all the thoughts I had to share at the moment. Paul's getting ready to wake from his nap, so should get ready for that.

Julie

A/C is here!

So we got it fixed up and hooked up. It works well. So nice to be sitting here not sweating! Yay!

Julie

a/c countdown

So tonight we are going to Lowe's to try to jerryrig something up for get the a/c working for a little bit. So hopefully time Chip goes back to work we'll have a/c even if I can't get myself to set it lower than 80, at least it would be cooler and not humid! :) I'll try to update tonight on whether or not we found stuff. Lets just hope that all the connections still work! :)

Julie

family

Today we ended up having dinner at my parents. It was a nice visit and Paul had a blast as usual. Loves going over there. He actually fell asleep pretty early tonight, guess he wore himself out! :)

It was also nice to get out of the heat. It's been so hot lately, like unbelievably hot. Can't wait until the a/c is up and working. I don't think I would make it with my sanity in place, through August.

I think I'm going to sleep. I need sleep. Of course it's still about 90 in here so it might be hard to sleep, but I sure need to try! :)

more words

I know it's not terribly interesting, but I am enjoying taking note of Paul's new words.

Yesterday it was Pickle. And he has also started saying Potty. Too cute.

Also in Paul's little world he has some fans. And also people he loves. My friend Megan that I meet working at Casey's, she's still there and every time we go in there he dives for her!

As for yesterday. A very uneventful day. Just very hot. We thought we were going to be able to get the parts for the A/C, but it didn't work out. Hoping to rig something up this weekend though (Chip's weekend that is - Tues., Wed., and Thurs.). Kind of amazed we have made it this far. I just don't think I can do it much longer, especially with August still ahead of us!

Julie

new word of the day

Paul has been learning new words like crazy lately. Today it was 'flower'. We were outside with Chip messing with the crayfish/crawdad holes we get in our yard. I picked a clover flower and held it for Paul to smell. He took it from me and held it for me to smell and called it a flower. I wasn't sure that's what he said until a few minutes later when we were over by the mail box and he pointed to a big Queen's Anne Lace and said it again.

He learns every day, so much and all on his own. It's simply amazing! His mind is constantly working and putting pieces together.

Julie

daily ponder

Why do cats have to pee in a bed? What about the bed draws a cat to say "hey, this is a GREAT place to pee - I WANT to be peed on" Even though there is a huge litter box and also a person sleeping in said bed?

Man, can't wait until we have two rooms! :) Peaceful sleep again!

Julie

up and down

Things have been rather up and down lately. Haven't posted for fear of being all gloom and doom, and I'm staring to wonder if anyone reads anymore after my long break! :)

Paul is doing amazing things. Learning tons of new words. It's so neat to watch him learn and grow! He knows so much more than he can vocalize!

The other day he had taken off his diaper, both the cover and the prefold (we use cloth). I asked him where his diaper was. Not really expecting an answer. He walked away only to come back with the cover, diaper and snappi! It was so cute!

Today we are enjoying the fact that it's not incredibly humid for a change, hot but not humid.

Oh, and Paul pooped on Chip's bed today. LOVELY! He was diaperless after swimming and came to me with this stuff on his belly, looking at me like 'I don't know what this is or how it got him, but please fix it mommy'. Anyhow, I'll end on the laughing note!

Julie

fireworks

They are my joy today!

We live in the county, which means no restrictions on things like fireworks. We had a three hour show tonight. It was wonderful. Several of our neighbors had tons of fireworks they set off. It was just awesome. The best July 4th in a long time!

Julie

hard day

Today was started with bad news, not for me or us, but for a friend. It's really bugging me in so many ways and I just don't know what to feel or say. I'm very upset and sad.

Julie

sleep is nice!

Paul has given me a run for my money with his waking lately. I don't know if it was teeth or what, but he has been waking over 10 times a night! That is a lot. It's actually why I haven't posted my joy the last few days, just been SO very tired that I couldn't keep myself up while putting him to sleep (he sleeps with me and I nurse him to sleep - for those who may not know :) ). I'm hoping tonight is better.

The last few days have been okay given that I've been dead on my feet. Tonight we had dinner with my parents to celebrate Chip's birthday. They gave him a much needed gift certificate to Lowe's, it's like our second home! :)

I have to find a way to learn to be patient with Paul. That is something the last few days have shown me. I have no idea how to go about that, but it is something that I really need to endeavor to do.

I'd say my joy over the last few days was finding a devotion for a dying soul. It has really made a difference to me. I just to perfect my 'offering up', as I don't think I really know how to do that. I think that I have some idea in my head, but that it's not really how it works. But the devotion is what gets me started in the morning and I find myself excited to say my morning prayers and adopt my dying soul for the day, it really helps get through the day.

Julie

couch

After a year or so of not having a couch, my sister gave us their old one. We have had it for about a week. I tell you, it sure changed the whole feel of the area we live in. It made it feel like a home! It was so nice!

Paul's favorite thing is to climb up there with who ever is sitting there. Especially daddy! LOVES to sit with Daddy. I'm good for food, but he is totally enamored with his dad. Asks for him all the time and just can't not sit with him.

I'm pretty thankful for the couch. It's been a great addition.

So part of the stuff that's been bugging me and troubling me is that I am AWFUL at keeping in touch with people who I really do want to keep in touch with, even if it's just to see how they are doing. So while I'm at the whole fixing things slowly for me, I'm working on that too. So I'm staying up after I get Paul to sleep (which is SO hard as I just want to sleep since I KNOW he'll be up several times to eat), but I need to be able to pray and I'm also making sure to reply to at least one person/email a day. I'm not talking just posts to a group, but a real email that takes time and thought to write. I'm also going to try to post my joy/happiness/thankfulness of the day here. As I'm trying very hard to find God in my day, and having a place to be somewhat accountable to and also a place to actually write my thoughts of the day, is helpful. Anyway. I'm making real effort, not just 'trying' as I normally do.

I really want to be happy and not so crabby and moody about my lot in life.

Anyhow. I'm not sure what I'm most joyful about today as the day ended on a bad note (fight with Chip), so that kind of tainted things. But I am happy that I did all my prayers and replied to two emails, and posted here. I'm happy that I did it all, even once, as I normally give up before I try. I'm also glad that it wasn't too hot today :). Yes, not very deep, but I'll get there!

Julie

i hate titles

I can never think of a good one!

I just wanted to post some things I'm doing lately. Been struggling most with faith lately, but have found a great book Holiness for Housewives. It's been very helpful and encouraging to get a good prayer life going. I'm going to try to do the joy of the day again, but no promise I'll get here everyday. But it's also part of how I'm working through this rough spot.

I had a few pictures to share of Paul, but it's not letting me upload any pictures! I'll try later though.

Julie

another hot day

It is hot today. I think it's more humid than hot. That's when you really notice it because even a fan doesn't really help too much, the moisture just stays there! I will be very happy when we get our ac in! Can't wait, should be in about two weeks. I wonder how people used to make it through the heat? I just don't handle it well, makes me weak and moody, which is no fun at all, especially with a toddler, who of course doesn't care at all how hot it is!

Need to make us lunch and rescue Paul from his perch.

Julie

memory lane

I just took a long walk down memory lane. Boy, six years does not seem like a lot, but man was it a crazy 6 years! Kind of sad too, but I think all walks down memory lane are alittle sad.

Lets see in that 6 years what's happened -
I became Catholic
Moved to CT for a year
Hit rock bottom (some ways still there)
Got married
Had Paul

Lots of big things. All of them lift changing, and worthy of a post in and of themselves. I'm still in the rock bottom thing, struggling so much with some things. Mostly faith. I really struggle there, which I honestly find shocking. One day at a time though :).

Now off to find something fun to end my evening, guess I could watch Paul running back and forth, he's giggling away, so it must be fun! :)

Julie

wonderful world of Paul

Paul is such a neat kid. He explores EVERYTHING! Right now he's trying to figure out the handle on a bucket, oh, now he's hugging a little beany baby type thing that's a dog. He hugs them like he hugs the cats, and just gets so happy about it too. Loves to pet the cats and lay his head on them.

It's so neat to watch him discover the world around him and how it works. Every day he learns more and more, it really is amazing. And he does it all on his own, I don't 'make' him do things a certain way, let him do it his own way. Anyhow, I don't think my words here did justice to what I was trying to get across, but he's pretty cool!

Julie

rants and joy at the end!

Just kind of in a venty type mood.

Our Firefox doesn't work anymore, I miss it, a lot. I miss tabs, who would have thought *I* would miss tabs! but I do. I also miss how Firefox would underline all the misspelled words in the various forums I'm on (some don't have spell checkers, and I'm a horrid speller!). I also miss being able to search from the tool bar. Yes I KNOW I could download something like Yahoo toolbar and have it there, but this is an older computer and anything extra like that slows it down.

So I'm trying to find the positive in this, I guess at least the computer works! That's definitely good!

It's hot here, very, very hot. No A/C yet in a metal trailer with no insulation, yay. I have made some peace with this by just realizing that all I can do is sit in front of a fan! Also I have been able to really enjoy Paul's naps, either laying with him and reading, or checking email (we have a fan right on him. Can't wait until the new siding is up (wood! so it won't leak or blow off - yes our walls have blown off twice in the last few months) and we'll get the A/C hooked up too, very exciting stuff!

Anyhow, I guess I answered myself here, I was going to ask for help finding the joy in this, but writing it has made me see the good parts.

Oh, I guess there's one other, annulment stuff is frustrating me, a lot. But I guess that's a lesson in patience really. I can't make things go faster or make people be willing and able to fill out forms and send them back! Anyhow, guess that is all for now before baby wakes up, or needs some nursing.

Oh, that's one of my favorite things. I love nursing Paul. He has learned the sign for 'eat' and now asks to nurse by signing. I didn't think there would still be joy in nursing a toddler, but he just LOVES it and gets so excited, how can I not see joy in that? Even in his sleep, when he starts stirring, he'll sign 'eat' it's too cute!

Julie
ps. blogger now has a real spell checker! Yay! used to only underline words that were misspelled, but now it actually fixes them too.

interesting dream

Last night I had a very telling dream, well telling of my former life, not so much at all now.

I was in college for a LONG time, just couldn't decide what I wanted to do, and honestly I hated change, so didn't have a clue at all what I would do after. I always thought you went to college to get married, so I was kind of holding out for that. Silly yes, but anyhow.

Toward the end of college, I became Catholic, which was a good thing, very good! I met a lot of good people and became part of the campus Catholic group. They were all young. I also spent a lot of time going to visit other friends in all parts of the state.

My dream was about how I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't, mainly, trying to be young and cool and hip. I was not young at all! Old for college, and hip and cool will never ever describe me! What is funny is that I find myself at times longing for those carefree days. A lot actually. But from that dream I also realized that during that time I was also running away from reality a lot. That's why I went so many places (besides, liking the people I went to see). It was a way to get away from the misery that I had put on myself.

I don't seem to have that issue a lot now. I do like escaping from the mundane life on occasion, but reality is still reality, that doesn't change. Maybe I have figured out what I want and what I'm comfortable with. I have tried to take more control over my own life lately, rather than just floating. I think that makes a difference.

Anyhow, this was suppose to be way deeper, but the thoughts have left me! Mostly I just found it so interesting the revelation that dream opened up for me. It was interesting to see how I have changed from then to now.

Julie

hot

Today is SO hot. I don't think it'd be so bad if it wasn't also 100% humidity. Or if we had AC in the house and my car! :) I just can't wait for the sun to go down. Hope everyone else is staying cool.

Julie

up early

It is odd for me to be up this early! Paul woke up when Chip left for work and has been happily playing ever since (almost and hour!). I'm kind of surprised myself!

He just crawled into the cat crate, and now has figured out how to get on top so he can see the turtle. His ability to climb never ceases to amaze me! He is all toddler boy lately!

On the subject of Paul, he is also talking up a storm. He now points and asks 'what' to everything. He wants to know what everything is, too cute!

I think waking up early has hit him, so I'll put a couple pictures in here and then go.This is Paul about a month ago. You can't see it in his hand, but he has the poker from the wood stove, you can see the ask all over his legs! He LOVES that thing and actually slept with it that night.

I just took this to put on here to go with the cat carrier story. He is standing on top of it, and that's the turtle's cage, and of course, there's a cats tail (Moonshine) hanging down too. :) He was very happy to be up there. Okay, Off to get him to sleep again, he's SO ready! :)

Julie

bunch o stuff

Lots going on here! Paul is starting to talk. He says plane, bird, cat and tree. LOVES things that are in the sky!

I know some really enjoyed the joy thing. I'm still working on that. Seeing the positive in things as much as I can. I still generally react at first with negative but can at least point out a few positive things. Prayer has helped, that and trusting God. Or at least trying too!

Also have resigned myself to a few things that I had been fighting and using as excuses. This has really helped. It may sound defeatist but I don't feel that way. I see it as excepting the situation for what it is. Like we don't have a kitchen, but we do have a hot plate and a toaster oven. So just making due with what I have and not being pissy because I can't make 'real' meals.

We were suppose to go to CT this month to work on his dad's house, but work didn't give Chip the time off. Was also going to be used to get the new siding up. So we'll see how that goes! Chip did get the lawn mower and weed eater working. The yard is beautiful! Never thought I'd ever have a yard that was mine, of course this isn't really mine, we still have to rent the lot. That's another thing I've come to terms with. We don't like it here much at all (the trailer park), but we are going to be here for a few more years. Can't save any money until the garnishment is gone (a year left) and then it'll take a year to two to save up enough to move the trailer to OUR land, where ever that may be! So I'm trying to find the good in being here, we are making the yard nice and accepting that this is it for us, as sad as that may make us.

I'll try to get pictures of the yard tomorrow. I need to take a few before pictures anyway so we can see what we have done to the trailer.

I should go, I don't want to have to cut it short if Paul wakes. He's either got allergies or a cold, so he's not been sleeping well at all. I have seasonal allergies, so it would kind of make sense for him to have them. Have ho idea where he'd have gotten a cold!

Julie

Ron Paul moment

I don't have the time at the moment to go into all the reasons I like Ron Paul, but I had to share something pretty cool that happened today.

I was on my way home, in the turn lane. In the next lane there was a delivery truck. He honked so I looked to see if it was some one I knew. He was giving me a very enthusiastic thumbs up and said 'Ron Paul rocks!' It was cool. oh, important info, I have a bumper sticker and large yard sign in my back window.

So that's my cool news!

Julie

been awhile

Hi, I'm not sure who asked, but things have just been a little crazy.

Chip went to days, and the adjustment has been kind of rough. Having to redo the time management. Paul has been more needy, actually I think he just wakes up in a bad mood! Once he wakes up from his nap, he's in a much better mood, of course he doesn't wake up till like 4!

So just haven't been able to have time to get on and actually type! I don't like being online during family time much.

Paul is a walking fool lately! LOVES to walk. Growing and changing every day, it's amazing!

I'll have to send more updates later, lots going on.

Julie

one year

Paul is 1 today! Can't believe it's been a year. I'll have pictures over the next few days. He's been a handful lately (really needing me a lot) so it's been hard to get on and post.

Year sure did go fast! It's amazing how much he has changed since being born. Just wanted you all to know he's 1! Pretty exciting!

Julie

new schedule

Chip went to days this week (he works Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday). So far it's been hard, but that's expected, switching sleep times is hard! Paul hasn't gotten it yet, but I'm sure in time he will. I'm sure in the end it'll be better.

Sorry to not be posting much lately. It's been harder to get on here and actually type. Paul is going through a rough spot (learning to walk and being extra clingy) so I normally have him in my lap while online, so it's hard to type, unless it's randomness that doesn't require thought!

So for my joy for the last week, it would be that things worked out in some ways with the money. It's not perfect at all. We finally found out what happened to all the money, but they still took some of Chip's paycheck. I don't know how we'll get through next payday, but that's not to worry about now, I'm sure something will come up. We still need to buy food for this pay period, but again, I'm sure something will show up to help with that. But we were able to pay the absolute important bills, so that's good, we have heat and the car is taken car of, so all is well.

Julie

hard work

I have been working very hard to be positive with Paul and patient too! As well as see the small joys in our days. Over all, I'm doing well (I think, I know I have noticed a difference in my attitude and also my bonding with Paul, more in a bit on that). It has been a very hard week though. Just so much going wrong. Today was not a good day. I lost it. Just so much. I'm tired of winter, just go away already, I want spring, I want warm, I want the sun, I NEED the sun. Why is it still so, so, so cold. This is NOT normal. We also live in *the windiest place in the world* there is always a gail force wind whipping by. I just want it to stop. I don't want to sit here INSIDE and feel the wind. I don't want to feel my HOUSE move when the wind blows. I want Spring!!!!!!!!

This has been such a hard winter, I'm just done. Anyhow, it was just the icing on the cake for today. My wonderful baby is going through some phase that makes hims super clingy and he simple has to be hanging onto me at all times. I think I noticed it so much more today because I was just in an off mood.

Okay, enough of why the day sucked, on to why it was good.

All this hard work had been evident to me a lot lately, and I now have the chance to write about it. As you know, I consider myself an AP parent. I try to be respectful of Paul, since he is a human with his own feelings and needs and not just some blog called baby to be treated like an object. I feel like I missed his infanthood because of the post partum depression, I just wasn't present until he was around 5 months old, that's what I mostly remember of him. I never really bonded with him until then, and really until recently. The only thing I had with him was breastfeeding, which truly was a life saver in those early days. It saved me in so many ways.

Recently I have felt totally detached from him. Like I wasn't taking to time to really *get* him or meet his needs. That is part of why I started the joy thing. I don't want to miss more than I feel I already have, they are only little for such a short time. But over the last few weeks I have been really trying to respond to him in the way he needs (well except tonight) and it made a HUGE difference. I can't believe it. I feel very in tune with him and also feel better able to handle his needs and demands. It's pretty neat too me that such a simple (on the outside) change in attitude and thought could have such an impact.

So that is my joy for today, seeing the fruits of some pretty hard work. Of course I know all the complaining at the beginning of this totally negates all that, but nevertheless, it is an amazing step forward for me. So thanks to all those who still read and ask about the joy series. I just need to get here to post it. I always have one, but just don't get here as much as I should, and then by time I do, it's been a week and it's too 'big' for me to think small enough to come up with one.

Off to fix the spelling and go to sleep (one thing I miss about IE is my Ispell, doesn't work with firefox ).

Julie

Joy and Paul updates

First Paul. He's been walking so much more! Every day he crawls less and walks more! I need to get a new video of him walking with more confidence like he does now. There was something else I had wanted to post about him, but I can't remember what it is.

I'm not sure about joy right now, it's been a very rough week so let me think a bit and ramble on! Losing 4 grand can do that to people!

Oh, I know what great thing happened this week, we finally have a phone! I'm very excited about that. Before we had this cheapy prepaid that was horrid and cost a fortune. We got the internet phone, Vonage, and so far, so good. It's a flat rate for unlimited local and long distance, which is good because out here everything is long distance. I think this may have been my joy last week when we bought it, it's here now! I'll try to come up with something better later on. Again, it's been a pretty bummer of a week. Back to the small picture though!

Julie - who needs to cut her nails so she can type fast again! To think I used to do with with nails twice this long, how I don't know!

time

Today I was on a new forum of local AP parents. One of the ladies picture is of a baby hand and an elderly hand. I balled at this. We so wanted a picture of Paul and his grandfather and we never got one. I don' t know that I'll even have that guilt go away. And to think, our phone came just a month and a half to late, just adds more to it. Just so sad for Paul that he'll never meet them, and of course for Chip, that both of his parents are no longer here. It's overwhelming for me to think about it, let alone to think what it must be for him.

Julie

today

I'm trying very hard to not be pessimist today and to find something that is joyful. We had a huge blow today that is just going to really not help us and we have to wait 2 weeks to find out what caused it. I'm sure it'll all work out in the end, but in the immediate future things are going to be extra hard.

So prayers and good thoughts for us please.

Okay, I think my joy for today is getting to hang out at home with my family. We don't do this a lot, normally keep ourselves busy outside of the house. Also, watching Paul walking, it's just amazing to see him learn and grow. Oh, here is a video of him walking.

Paul movies

Here are two movies of Paul from tonight. In the first, I was trying to get him to walk, no luck. :) The second is just him playing. Our camera doesn't record sound, so you have to pretend you here him giggling :)
Julie

progress

Hi! Sorry to be gone a week. I don't get on much when Chip is off work. We tend to be busy. Lets see, what's new, not much! We have made some progress on the trailer and today I got it very organized/neat. We put of the new gate/fence system for Paul (cinder blocks and landscape timbers - it's not pretty, but it works amazingly well, and it's movable!)

Chip's been doing well with his eating/sugars. We found something that seems like it'll really work with what we want to be doing food wise, called Traditional Foods. It's what we have basically been doing, but didn't know it.

Paul has shown some small interest in food, so even more important to only have wholesome food (no extra anything, just food as it's grown, no chemicals or stuff like that). He's also getting more brave with walking, taking a few steps at a time. I actually have a few videos to share of me trying to get him to walk, but of course he didn't! I have the camera all set in case he does again.

Okay, now for the joy of the week I guess. That's a hard one, there have been many good moments. Mostly I think it's an overall more positive outlook on things. For today's I'd have to say that is was me getting so much done at home. It's nice to have a neat/organized house, and Paul slept for at least 2 hours, which is amazing for him with me not sleeping next to him!

Julie

tuesday joy

So far I am liking this finding joy thing, it really does make a difference. I hope I can keep it up! Today was just a nice day over all. Paul is getting back to his normal self and he took a nap today, yay! not a long one, but still. Resolved a few things too, which is always a nice feeling. Now I just have to do my lenten reading (have a book and then a prayer book I'm using as well as reading a chapter or two of the bible a day, from the beginning. Oh, and a biggie, my back is feeling so much better! I can stand up most of the time so that's a huge plus. Hopefully it's not just a fluke and will continue to get better.

Julie

Kittens

I don't think I have mentioned it yet, but we have kittens. Four boys. They were born on Feb. 5th. One is mostly white with a couple gray spots on his head and tail. We have an all gray one, though it looks like this one might have a little white on it's left ear. I'm not sure of the color of one of them, looks white, but also gray, time will tell. The last one is like the others, gray and white tuxedo cat. When they get a little bigger I'll get some better pictures. I have a few posted on photobucket, as well as a few newer pics of Paul.

http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n3/seekingmyplace/

Julie

Monday joy

forgot this last night, or rather, it's still monday for me, yay!

Today I got to eat, that was very nice, doesn't happen often. I had ravioli, it was very good.

In other news, I am up at this crazy hour because Chip came home and decided to stay up watching stuff on the computer, Paul loves this so woke up and got all excited because Daddy was home, so here I am, up waiting for Paul to get tired again, and of course, Chip is asleep. Guess I'm at least getting caught up on my blog! Wish we had something breakfast like to snack on though!

Julie

thieves

I'm so tired of people taking things! First our old landlord taking our stuff and just now I found out some people are stealing posts from MDC (Mothering) and posting them on their board. Lovely. Why do people steal?

Julie

joy

on one of my fav groups (naturababes) there was a post about enjoying this time in our lives (child). It was very profound and I wish I could post it because I am not doing it justice. It really struck me because I am either too tied up in the mundane or in the big picture to see the small joys that I experince daily. So I think I'm going to start posting something short each day about something I found joy in regarding my place in life (being a mom/wife).

I think an ongoing one is Paul's smile, he smiles with his whole face. He always has one too and loves to look over at me while doing whatever he is doing and flash a huge grin. He has also discovered crawling on his knees. I kind of miss his 'paul crawl' on his toes.

Julie

day in the life

It's cold, why can it not be spring all year? Spring is happy and beautiful. I like Spring! Winter is cold, way, way cold. We are so done with winter, and it's not been a bad winter. I think it's our living situation that makes it worse (no heat in the back - so potty in the freezing cold, yay, fun! wanna come over???) and no insulation, plus the car that runs right now doesn't really have good heat. Anyhow, not to be complaining, can't wait for warm days.

Paul has decided that sleeping alone is not for him, ma ma has to be with him. It's nice to take a nap, but sometimes I want to do something, like eat dinner. So I'm currently waiting for said child to sleep so I can eat. I'm guessing I'm not eating!

I can't wait for a normal house! Shortly at least we'll have to whole place! Can't wait. We decided that we are going to go ahead and put new siding on since we can't find all the holes and fix all the leaks (this place was not designed to be water proof aparently).

Paul is playing in the crumbs that the dog made while eating my burnt pizza (cooking on a woodstove is all about timing and mine was off).

Oh, on a kind of cool note, I found someone local who also uses cloth diapers, I'm very excited. Just have to try to figure a way to meet up that doesn't involve her coming here, it's just not a place I'd like people to see yet (no walls and a cold toilet). But I'm still excited and suddenly don't feel as alone as before in our choices.

Off to go mess with the fire, cold nights go away!!!!!!!!!!!!

Julie

2 weeks

I think it's been about 2 weeks since I last posted. I don't know if anyone is even still reading lately though, let me know (post a comment) if you are. I miss knowing I have a small, small audiance! Okay, plea over!

It has been a busy few weeks for us. Chip found out he has diabietes, it's mild, but we are being proactive to maintain his health. Shortly after finding that out we all got sick with the flu, that was fun! So glad it's over.

Paul has been playing around with walking, but no real desire to leave the crawling though, that seems to work for him :).

I don't know what else is new? Just same old same old! Can't wait for winter to be over!

Julie

wind???

Wow, oh my goodness it is windy. I'm not talking a little wind here, this is tear pieces off your house wind. We had a piece of wall come off this morning and every time the wind picks up it lifts the porch up. The whole trailer moves, its freaky. Hope it ends soon!

Julie

4:30 am

Reasons Paul is up at 4:30 am.

1. it's crazy windy~30 MPH ~ so everything on the trailer is banging, loudly.
2. sees that daddy is home, Yay daddy
3. the wind/banging makes the cats crazy, so an slightly woken baby sees cats playing and gets excited.
4. Paul LOVES the cats
5. Paul sees daddy watching the dvd player
6. He wants dvd player because he has not been allowed to chew on it yet and flashy things are on it.
7. Mommy gives up and gets up to let Paul play for a few minutes.

So here I am, so, so, so tired. Going to try to get him back down in a few minutes. The cats has calmed and some of the pieces of things that were banging must have wiggled into non banging places! Paul never wakes up like this at night, he just rouses to nurse, not really awake. And of course tomorrow we actually have to leave the house earlier than normal, perfect timing!

Too cute, he just took a ball from the cats and is giggling at them. :)

tired

I have been so tired lately. It's really hit me like a brick today. This week has been so hard and emotionally exhausting. And Paul has decided that naps aren't good, or that I have to nap with him, which I'd LOVE to do, but I have to get things done too. I miss the days of three naps, I actually got to take one with him.

He has been taking steps, a few at a time. I don't know when he'd be officially a toddler, but I'm guessing we are getting close.

I think I'm going to keep this short. Maybe eating will wake me up! Also need to get a few pieces of wood for the fire.

Julie

frustrated

mr boom boom has had his stupid ghetto thumping music on ALL day, and I mean since about 8 am.

Paul WON"T sleep. Probably because of the stupid ghetto thumping music.

I am trying to get the pictures from the camera onto the computer and get them to a mailable size. I can NOT at all find any program that will make them smaller. On MY computer with died I had windows picture editor thingy and it would let you make them smaller (not just cropping, but you could save them smaller). Nothing will work. So have 200 HUGE files that I can't mail and they won't fit on a cd because they are too big (well they'd fit on lots of cd's but I only have like two). Why can't it just work, why.

I'm hungry, how the hell am I going to cook? Paul's screaming, we can only use the woodstove, can't do that and hold a baby, kind of dangerous.

I just heard gunshots, what the hell, did I move to the freaking ghetto or what?

Julie

My rolly polly baby

A random Paul update.

My baby is growing out of his baby pudge already. I am very sad about this, moreso than I should be. He is losing his rolls on his arms and legs. I miss my pudgy little boy, he's growing to look very toddler like. He's even losing his cute cheeks. I think I still feel like I missed out on his babyhood because of the PPD so all I really remember is the time from like 4 months or so, and now that remnant is gone, makes me sad. It goes so fast!

I measured him the other day 28 inches tall, I can't believe it! He's still in the 24 month size, just finally starting to fit into the legs and arms, kind of. :)

I think he's been trying to say 'cat' we'll see as time goes. It makes sense, we have 6 :).

Julie

mr boom boom

This is getting so old. I just don't know what to do. Turn down the stupid music! I can't call the town police because we live outside city limits. If I call the county (which would be Chip since he's at work) they only have 2 deputies on at a time and to me it's a waste of their time to drive all the way out here to make them stop. Every time I try to talk to the park owner one of their family (the WHOLE family lives here in various trailers) comes over so I don't get the chance. It's every day, and growing so old.

complaint over.

Oh, mr. boom boom comes from Chip's dad. They had/have a neighbor who always played loud music and his dad called him Mr. Boom Boom.

great, music has now woke up Paul. Why are people so damn rude!!!!!!!!1

Julie

raining day

it's been a dreary day, blah. But on the positive side, at least it's warmer than a normal January. One of the little funnies of where we live is that each time it rains we get to find out where it's leaking! Constantly finding new places, good thing we don't have the drywall up yet, would be totally ruined! On that note, I'm off to see if I can pinpoint our most stubborn leak.

Julie

made my week

sorry for all the posts this evening, I just couldn't not share this. As those who read regularly know, we co sleep and I nurse Paul on demand, and always to sleep. Normally once he's down for the night he'll stir to nurse a few times before I'm in bed. But just now I went over and all he wanted was to cuddle up next to me. It was so sweet and innocent. They really are blessing.

It was the highlight of my week (month maybe??) and the perfect ending to a roller coster of a week. Just had to share my special little boy. Wish I had room on my camera card so I could take a pic. Okay, truly is the last post of the day. Dinner and sleep, beautiful sleep. Oh, but wait I have to find out why the ambulance came to our neighbors, Chip called to tell me he'd tell me when he got home, can't over the phone. Sounds interesting. yes, I know, gossip, gossip. It is a horrible habit we have that we are working on. We are all works in progress I keep telling myself!

Julie

end of the day

I'm waiting for my dinner to get done, so thought I'd post one last time before Chip's weekend. I'm looking forward to the next few days (he has three day weekends, works 4 on 3 off). I'm also a little nervous about it. It'll be the first real down time Chip has had since his father's death (me for that matter too). I hope it doesn't hit him all at once. We have plenty to occupy ourselves with (we have insulation still waiting to go up, can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!! it's been sitting in our shed for over a month). I just hope the down time doesn't make it all hit at once you know.

I also wanted to take the chance to thank all of those who sent prayers and good thoughts for everything to work for him (us) to get to CT for the funeral. Things NEVER ever work out smoothly for us, and this went off with out a hitch, everything just fell into place perfectly, it was a refreshing change for us. Thank you again.

I think I'll sign off now and eat my dinner and chill for a bit, or maybe just go to sleep. So very tired lately.

Julie

naps are the enemy

There was once a shirt we saw with this written on it, but was several sizes to big for Paul. I SO wish I could find it again because it is SO him. Naps are bad. Not that he fights them (no more so than normal fighting sleep), but he just can't be bothered to take one. Today is a no nap day. Which means cranky, crabby baby and mommy can't do ANYTHING, even pee, without screaming! Oh, I can't wait for a nice nap again, I miss those days! Now I'm just hoping he goes to sleep earlier than normal so I can at least get a few things done before I crash, of course I could actually go to sleep now, so we'll see how that goes.

He's getting a tooth, so I think that is making it worse. :) yay teeth, at least once this one comes in he'll have an even number of teeth, he's been an odd ball for a LONG time.

Oh, I measured him today, he's 28 inches tall! I could not believe it, he's looking more toddler like daily, kind of sad, I miss my plump little boy :(. They grow up so fast.

Julie

playful Paul

I'll start by saying that I am in a much better mood. I think I was just tired and stressed! Much better than I had feared ~ppd coming back.

On to Paul, to describe him now I'd say that he is extra needy but yet very independent. I know that doesn't sound possible, but it is! He'll be screaming his head off and push me away and just stare at me and scream. It's sad, sometimes I have to do a sneak attack to pick him up. :)

He's still loving to play with anything that he can get his hands on. He has started climbing, he's GOOD, I keep thinking he's going to fall, but he doesn't. Also the other day he started crawling under things, like on his belly, to get things. Oh, also he loves to drop things in the turtle cage! There is a whole stash of toys in the corner of the cage where he drops them.

In other Petersen news, we were tormented by our old landlord the other day. I seriously want to tell her she's trying to milk a dead cow, it just doesn't work, leave us alone. And really, your house was COVERED in lead paint that you didn't bother to keep up with, so the ground is also tainted with lead, yum! This is why we moved!

Oh, this is kind of funny.

At Chip's work they have this fancy tv and it never works, so he took our tv (we don't use it anymore) in and hooked it up. Somehow his coworkers thought it was funny that the new fancy tv (42 inch plasma) doesn't work but the 11 year old walmart special 19 inch was fine!

Okay, off to play with Paul, he's calling.

Julie

home

We are back. There is much to be said about it, but not now. I'm in much to cruddy a mood to write about it. I don't want to sound harsh or overly dramatic, so it's better to wait.

On the note of being in a cruddy mood, I'm going to complain, which I'm trying to limit. I have been failing, but am trying again, minus this little rant here. Hoping it gets it out of my system.

Tonight has been awful. The dog woke up Paul while I was in the middle of getting a pile of wood inside (helps dry it off and who *really* wants to walk outside in the freezing morning to get wood????? - not I!). That was at about 6:30, it's not 11 and it's still out there. I want to kill the dog, who because I yelled at him, pooped on the floor. I then totally lost it with the dog and Paul. This is not good. It's not Paul's fault he got woke up.
Anyhow, he has just been a huge ball of fussy, cranky, crabby, clingy baby. He is MUCH too much like me (stubborn).
I am just so short tempered right now I don't know why or what has caused it. It's not like me, cursing all the time and yelling at Paul, not me at all. I just hope it's pms. I don't know what else would cause this (PPD coming back??? does that happen?) Anyhow, rant over. Think I'll head to bed in a bit. Have a ton to do, but just to tired and defeated to do it.

So hopefully tomorrow will be better and NO MORE complaining!

Julie

RIP

My father in law passed away this morning. We are grieving deeply here. We are grateful that we got to see him in Oct. but sad that he never got to hold Paul - the nurses wouldn't let him. We really wanted to get to see him again before his passing, we had no idea he had gotten so ill again. Please pray for us, and especially Chip, he is not doing well.

Julie

house keeper

I think I'm going to work on an ad to put in the paper as a house cleaner. We desperately need money. I just have no idea what to charge and we also don't have a phone, so that could be an issue. Okay, maybe a bad idea ! :) Lil - hey that's the first time EVER I have used that! Kay, off to do more brainstorming. How much would you pay for a house cleaner who only used natural products?? $25 a week???? I have NO clue? Oh, I'd have to learn to drive the car. Hum, maybe I need a new idea???? I'll sleep on it.

Julie

ps, the car thing. I have a truly debilitating fear of learning to drive a standard. It has become something much bigger than I can fathom and the fear is so ingrained that I'm getting nauseous thinking about it. It stems from adolescent fears relating to having NO self confidence and the fact that I KNOW I'd totally panic if I stalled, especially at a light with ANY one able to see me. The other day Chip stalled (as I know all standard drivers do from time to time - logically side tells me this), and I was a mess just thinking about what he might be thinking, and then putting myself in that position, terrified. I hope someday I'll get over it, probably when we live in the middle of no where and a totally flat place where I never have to stop, ever.
again,
crazy irrational Julie!

cold

boy oh boy is it cold! Our water is SO frozen. Even the toilet! I hope it gets warm soon so that I can do some laundry, and flush the toilet! Such a novel thing it is to flush a toilet. The things you take advantage of. :)

Paul is being Paul, exploring everything and playing contentedly. He's looking like he's wanting to walk, but doesn't yet trust himself. It cute you can see him contemplating it and then deciding that crawling is way better :)
Julie

Happy New Year

I hope everyone has a very wonderful new year. I know for myself I am very hopeful. I have a lot of goals and hope to get them implimented. Isn't it 30 days for form a habit?? So 30 days it is!

Julie